By Ben Affleck

I must take umbrage with Keanu Reeves’ claim of being arguably the worst actor alive today. Clearly, I am the worst actor of this or any other generation. Gigli, Surving Christmas, Reindeer Games, Paycheck, Pearl Harbor – need I go on?

My bad acting kills. It actually destroys lives. Jennifer Lopez can’t sing to save her life, but she was doing alright as an actress before I got my mitts on her. One failed relationship/movie with me and now she’s blacklisted. Ditto Jennifer Garner. The poor gal married me. Her career should be over any second now. John Kerry looked like a shoo-in for President of the United States before I started campaigning for him. Now he’s sitting at home in Massachusetts helping his wife invent new flavors of ketchup.

My ol’ buddy Matt Damon won’t even return my phone calls anymore. Half of Hollywood appeared in Ocean’s Eleven and Twelve. Heck, even my brother was in those movies. No one wants to work with me – they’re all afraid of catching “it.”

You might be an awful actor, Mr. Reeves, but you are no Ben Affleck. I put the “crap” in craptacular.