I’ve Never Torn My Groin
by kev on November 21, 2006 

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With the huge sums of money being thrown at Major League Baseball players this offseason, I would like to take this opportunity to announce I have opted out of my contract with “Hank’s Hardware and Fine Linens” co-ed softball team and am now a free agent available to the highest bidder.

Given how weak this year’s free agent crop is, I have no doubt I will be in high demand. But just in case there are a few Major League teams in need of convincing, allow me to outline my qualifications:

In my Prime

The ages 27 to 31 are considered the prime years for baseball players - the ages where they reach their peak performance. Since I am at the beginning of this range, any team that signs me can be confident I will maintain my current level of ability, whatever that may be, for the duration of my contract.

Would the Mets have been better off giving $12 million to 37-year-old Orlando Hernandez, a pitcher with a 4.66 ERA last season; or $6 million to your’s truly, a 28-year-old in his prime who used to pitch in Little League? I think the answer’s pretty obvious.

Durable

In three years as a high school teacher and 13 months as a web developer, I have missed only one day of work due to illness or injury. And to be honest, I could have gone to work that one day. Sure I had lost my voice, but the ability to talk and form sentences is overrated in the teaching profession.

In other words, I am reliable. I will show up at the stadium each day ready to play. In an age where injury-prone J.D. Drew is about to get $15 million a year and Moises “I only played in 60% of my team’s games last year” Alou signs for $8.5 million, isn’t my durability great value? It’s at least worth $5 million.

A Bargain

In this market, I am a bargain. Juan Pierre just signed a 5-year, $44 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Pierre is fast, but he can’t hit, play defense, or throw. Except for speed, I bring everything to the table that Pierre brings. Plus, I’m one year younger.

Nomar Garciaparra signed a 2-year, $18 million deal with the Dodgers even though he is only two years removed from tearing his groin muscle. I am five years younger than Garciaparra, and I’m happy to report I’ve never torn my groin.

Alfonso Soriano just signed an 8-year, $136 million contract with the Chicago Cubs. He struck out 160 times last year. I could strike out 160 times for half the money.

5-years, $25 Million

That’s all it will take to get me to sign on the dotted line. For that price, you get a durable, in-his-prime player with no groin problems. I’ll even throw in my Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs.

Let the bidding begin.

Originally posted on November 21, 2006 at my Xanga.