Every few days, I get a phone call from the same number. I don’t answer, but I know who it is based on voice messages. Is it an ex wanting to win me back? No. A former student playing a practical joke? Nope. Jessica Alba? No, her number has a different area code. It’s Visa; specifically, the brain trust for the Visa account I closed several years ago. The back story:

A few months ago, I contacted this brain trust asking if my interest rate could be lowered. I got their credit card during my freshman year in college and the rate was very high. How high? A normal man would consider it high. A frugal man such as myself would consider the monthly interest on par with giving up his first-born son. Anyway, the brain trust tells me that they could not lower my interest rate because I had closed my account. If it was still open, they could lower it for me.

In short, they were trying to trick me into reopening my account. Thanks, but I closed the account for a reason. The one credit card I have now is plenty.

I explained to them that I could pay off the entire balance in the next few months with extra payments, but my preference would be to keep that money for a rainy day. If they lowered my interest to a modern, normal rate; I would continue to pay off my debt each month at a normal pace (edit: not true…I was going to double time my payments anyway) and they could continue to acquire money from me via interest. However, if they continued this “we cannot lower your rate because your account is closed” foolishness, I would pay off my entire debt ASAP and they would cease to earn money from me.

“Sorry,” they say. “We can’t lower it if the account is closed.”

I ask them if they were aware of the two options in front of them. If they do not lower my interest rate, I’ll wipe out the debt and they’ll get no more money. If they lower it, they’ll keep getting money each month. I thought about drawing them a diagram and faxing it, but I didn’t want to be rude.

Perhaps they thought I was bluffing or perhaps English wasn’t their first language, but they insisted there was nothing they could do. Now, they are calling me with an “exciting new opportunity.” What’s this exciting, new opportunity? Reopening my account with a lower interest rate.

Be still my beating heart.