By Every Bad Driver in the World

It’s almost as if other drivers on the road are there for the sole purpose of giving me a headache. Why, just the other day I was daydreaming at a stop sign. I couldn’t have been asleep more than ten seconds when the guy behind me starts honking his horn. The nerve. I’m a better and safer driver when I’m rested, but try telling that to Mr. “My Wife is Having a Baby.” The world doesn’t revolve around you, buddy.

Yesterday, I was behind someone going 50 in a 45 mph zone. Much, much too slow. Statistics show that the more time you spend driving, the more likely you are to be in an accident. So by driving faster, you get off the roads sooner. I don’t drive fast because I’m impatient, I drive fast because I’m worried for my safety. Mr. 50 MPH was endangering my life! With these facts in hand, can you really blame me for running him off the road?

A few weeks back, I was in the far-right lane of a four-lane highway. As I approached a mini van that had the audacity to drive the speed limit, I decided to get over into the far-left lane. To save time, I opted against using a turn signal. Also, rather than move over one lane at a time, I chose to move all the way over in one fell swoop. Sure, there were a few close calls, but I made it over in one piece. Anyway, a few seconds later my cell phone started ringing. Since I know it’s dangerous to drive and talk on the phone at the same time, I slowed down to 30 mph before answering. Next thing you know the car behind me starts honking his horn and flashing his lights. How does he expect me to drive, talk on the phone, change the radio station, and eat my sandwich all at the same time when he’s causing all that commotion? It’s distracting – not to mention rude.

It’s gotten to the point where I can pick out bad drivers almost immediately. I’ll be behind a car at a red light and I can tell by the back of the driver’s head that he or she is not going to go when it turns green. Sure enough, half a second after the light turns green the car is still motionless. I honk my horn, but do I get a thank you? Of course not.

Seriously, why am I the only person who knows how to drive?