In the beginning, man would put bumblebees inside of seashells in order to shave. The results were about what one would expect from such an invention. Thankfully, in time, technology improved. Seashells begot boiling your face in hot water; hot water begot setting your facial hair on fire; and fire begot putting honey all over you face and waiting for a grizzly bear to walk by, which was the common practice until 1998. That’s the year Gillette’s Mach 3 Razor hit the scene.

Thanks to the Mach 3, men began to enjoy a life that wasn’t dependent on the availability of honey and grizzly bears. Honey could be used as food and bears as house pets – just as nature intended. Truly, mankind was living in a golden age. However, this age of bliss would be short lived. Gillette, Schick, and Bic were about to overwhelm the male population with an endless stream of new razors. The age of confusion and poor math skills was at hand.

Three years ago, Schick’s Xtreme 3 made its debut. Gillette initially responded with their Sensor 3 and Bic with its Comfort 3 razor. Men now had several shaving options available to them with three different razors having three blades. How was a man to choose? “Give them aloe,” the ad wizards at Gillette commanded. The Mach 3 Turbo was born. “You know what number is bigger than three,” the masterminds at Schick asked no one in particular. “Four.” And so began the epiphany that would one day become the 4-blade Schick Quattro razor. “We can count too,” responded Gillette before the debut of the Fusion razor that featured 5 blades, two aloe strips, and replacement blades that cost about as much as a Ford Taurus. Bic, apparently unable to count, responded with its Comfort 3 Advance razor.

If all that weren’t crazy enough, now batteries are being added to every razor. There’s the M3 Power. The M3 Power Nitro. The Quattro Power. The Fusion Power. The good Lord only knows when the geniuses at Bic are going to throw their hat into the ring and announce the Comfort 3 Advance 2, which will be powered by gasoline. I’m not exactly sure why having a razor powered by a battery is a good thing in the first place. “It vibrates.” Right, but a vibrating razor blade doesn’t sound very safe. In fact, it sounds like something The Three Stooges would have invented.

When is it going to end? Five blades will inevitably turn into six blades. Six blades will become seven. Seven blades will become eight blades, and so on. Five years from now, the Saturday Night Live spoof of a 14-blade razor called the Platinum Mach 14 could become a reality.

About that time, I imagine Bic will be announcing plans for an “innovative” 4-blade razor with aloe.

Summary

Rating: 3.5 Mullets (out of 5)

The Good: Five blades is one more than four. It has pretty colors. Honey tastes good. Two aloe strips. Bears make great house pets when properly sedated.

The Bad: I’ve never actually tried the razor. It has a bad attitude. The Flintstones was an overrated cartoon. Replacement blades cost a fortune. Bic has horrible math skills. Bears make poor razors.

Final Thought: You know what number is bigger than five?