If the odds of Carrot Top winning an Academy Award for acting are better than the odds of an apparent scam not being a scam, it’s a scam.
- The Carrot Top Rule (From my untitled, unwritten book, “How to Make Stupid Work for You”)

I had heard of Craigslist before, but until this week I had never visited it. As a frugal, money-conscience, bargain-hunting, Internet-surfing, former computer teacher with a Master’s Degree in Computers, my belated arrival to the World of Craig is embarrassing.

To those unfamiliar with Craigslist, it is a network of online urban communities featuring free classified advertisements for jobs, goods and services, personal ads, and more. Looking for a free cat? Go to your State and choose the site (city) nearest you, and click the “free” category. If you live in Milledgeville, GA, you’d find an individual about to leave the country who has two 2-year-old cats to give away. If you have an itch that only the awful movie “Coyote Ugly” can scratch, an individual in Kathleen, GA has it for only $2 in the cds/dvd/vhs category.

“Is Craiglist paying you to talk good about them?”, you might be asking. I wish, but no. No, the primary purpose of this post is to warn all of you of the potential SCAMS at Craiglist. Allow me to present two hypothetical (and by “hypothetical” I mean completely, 100% real) examples:

Scenario: Lauren is in the market for an automobile. We’re looking for something south of $6,000 with less than 90k miles (the lower the better). At Craigslist, I found three interesting vehicles in our area. Here are two of them…

1999 Toyota Camry photo
Price: $3,000

Ad: his one owner 1999 Toyota Camry XLE V6 is the car for you. This Camry has been kept in exceptionally good condition. It only has 87k miles and has plenty more to go; it’s a Toyota!

A little bit too “car salesman” of a pitch for my taste, but nothing out of the ordinary. Good mileage, great price, and the car looks like it’s in very good condition. Now let’s look at the second car…

2000 Volkdswagen Golf photo
Price: $2,900

Ad: Sunroof Airbags Anti-Lock Brakes Air Conditioning Power Windows Power Locks Cruise Control Power Steering Power Mirrors Security System Keyless Entry Anti-Lock Brakes

The lack of punctuation makes my head hurt. Plus, no mileage is listed for the car (usually not a good sign). Still, the picture looks nice and it has numerous features. At the very least, there is nothing here that makes me think a scam is at hand.

Okay, based on the photos and the price tags, I email each seller requesting additional information. It took two days, but both emailed me back. Here is the first response, from the seller of the 1999 Toyota Camry:

Hello and please forgive my delay,

The Toyota Camry XLE (1999) is in perfect working condition. My experienced tech car (kev edit: I assume he meant “tech guy”) has fully checked out this car and gives it a special high rating has a CLEAR and CLEAN TITLE a great history and mechanically without any problems ever safety check and pre-delivery inspection along with a fresh servicing before I ship or deliver the vehicle.This vehicle shifts out great and is remarkably quiet. This vehicle engine runs very, very smooth.

I hope you are serious in your intention for buying, don’t take it personally, but I had many problems with fake buyers in the past. So if you decide on buying the car, I want the deal closed only through eBay’s Safe Purchase program. You will make the payment to eBay and they will hold the money until you receive the car. ONLY AFTER you receive the car and you inspect it, eBay will release the payment to me, in this way we are both protected. I signed up for US military forces and I was sent here with my department for peace maintenance. I am located in Helsinki, Finland. 3 months ago, my wife moved here, with me and brought the car with her, but now we have to sell it back in the United States, because we can’t drive it here because we can’t register it here; it has US specs and everything, and registering it here in Europe will take for ever. My final price on it is US 3,000 $. If you will take it for this price, I am willing to handle the shipping. It will be shipped from here by plane with US Air Military Cargo so it will not cost me anything. You will get it to the nearest airport in your area and then it will be trucked forward to your place. Please get back to me asap if you decide to buy, and include in your email your full name and address where you want it shipped so I can start the deal with eBay. You will receive all the transaction payment and shipping details from them.

Cheers,
xxxxx xxxx

I bolded the points I thought were important.

Where to start…

This was a very detailed (and long) email response. The seller’s (and the car’s) currently being overseas is a bummer. I want to be able to physically test drive the vehicle before getting the ball rolling, so to speak. Still, the seller’s desire to use eBay’s Purchase Program seemed to me confirmation he was legit. He’s not the seller for me, but he seemed legit.

A short time later, I received an email from the seller of the 2000 Volkswagen. See if you can pick out the point where I became suspicious…

Hello and sorry for my delay,

I’m Sgt. Robert Caldwell. Volkswagen Golf is in perfect working condition.This vehicle engine runs very, very smooth. No electrical problems on this beauty.This detailed vehicle makes the exterior look like it just came off the assembly line.The car has only 14,630 original miles.

So if you decide on buying the car, I want the deal closed only through eBay’s Safe Purchase program. You will make the payment to eBay and they will hold the money until you receive the car. ONLY AFTER you receive the car and you inspect it, eBay will release the payment to me, in this way we are both protected. I signed up for US military forces and I was sent here with my department for peace maintenance. I am located in Helsinki, Finland. 1 months ago, my wife moved here, with me and brought the car with her, but now we have to sell it back in the United States, because we can’t drive it here because we can’t register it here; it has US specs and everything, and registering it here in Europe will take for ever. My final price on it is US 2,900 $. If you will take it for this price, I am willing to handle the shipping. It will be shipped from here by plane with US Air Military Cargo so it will not cost me anything. You will get it to the nearest airport in your area and then it will be trucked forward to your place. Please get back to me asap if you decide to buy, and include in your e-mail your full name and address where you want it shipped so I can start the deal with eBay. You will receive all the transaction payment and shipping details from them.

Cheers,
xxxxxx and xxxxxx xxxxxxxx

What do you suppose are the odds that I have emailed two different individuals, both of whom are selling cars to Middle Georgia at Craiglist, and both of whom are stationed in Helsinki, Finland??

I am invoking my Carrot Top Rule. If the odds of Carrot Top winning an Academy Award for acting are better than the odds of an apparent scam not being a scam, you should pass. (The Carrot Top Rule also applies to numerous other situations including, but not limited to: gambling money on an underdog, and eating shrimp bought out of a pickup truck)

Thanks again, Carrot Top.

This is Barry Bonds’ head circa 1987. This is Barry Bonds’ head today.

Either the man took steroids, or he ate the basketball I lost in junior high.

An avid reader of this blog recently left a comment with a link to an article. The article discusses Bank of America (my new bank) offering credit cards to illegal immigrants. Here’s an excerpt:

In recent years, banks across the country have begun offering checking accounts … to the nation’s fast-growing ranks of undocumented immigrants. But these immigrants generally haven’t been able to get major credit cards … The new Bank of America program is open to people who lack both a Social Security number and a credit history …

Naturally, Bank of America has gotten tons of negative press for this program. Some say Bank of America is being unAmerican. Some say Bank of America sees these immigrants as walking, talking dollar signs.

My take?

I think Bank of America’s program is a calculated plan to burden millions of illegal immigrants with massive credit card debt; therefore, forcing them to flee back to their native lands in order to escape harassment from bill collectors.

You might not agree with their politics, but you’ve got to hand it to them. That’s quite the novel approach.

“Look at that guy.”

“Poor, pathetic, shell of a man.”

“Mommy, that man is holding a purse.”

These are phrases uttered at malls, grocery stores and Wal-Marts all over the nation. You’re just a guy minding his own business when your girlfriend, wife, female acquaintance or confused cousin Steve hands you a purse.

It’s not a pretty sight. And yet, day after day men everywhere are asked to hold the bag of shame.

No more.

The time has come for us men to rise up. We must throw down the lacey, feminine shackles that bind us. When we are handed a purse to carry, we must stand strong.

If you are handed a purse, give the purse giver something heavy to hold. If she questions, tell her you are just supporting women’s equality.

If you are shopping for clothes, take off your baseball cap and give it to the purse giver saying, “hold this for me while I go try this on.” And then take a nap inside the changing room while she waits outside, cap in hand.

The time for battle is at hand.

We must not acquiesce. We must fight the good fight. We must shout for all the world to hear:

“Nay woman (or cousin Steve), I will not hold your purse. For I am a man!”

Originally posted on December 5, 2006 at my Xanga.

A little while ago, Lauren called me saying she had seen a guy on a bus wearing the exact same Kenneth Cole sandals I own. She hates these sandals like a fat kid hates broccoli. Considering she also hates my black Kenneth Cole boots and my dark blue Levis jeans, I have come to the following inevitable conclusion: Lauren is jealous of my fashion greatness.

I feel sorry for her. It must not be easy being in the shadow of someone with such a flawless sense of fashion. When I wore the aforementioned sandals with tan shorts, no socks, sunglasses and a t-shirt, I know it was the jealously talking when she said I looked like a “40-year-old blind man.” And when I wore a turtleneck sweater in July, I know her “have you lost your mind?” rant stemmed from an insecure sense of self. And when I decided to pay homage to Britney Spears circa the 2001 Superbowl by wearing socks on my hands, I know her “get away from me before people think I know you” remark was made because she knew she could never pull off such a look.

Lord, why did you make me so stylish?

Originally posted on October 4, 2006 at my Xanga.