A little while ago, Lauren called me saying she had seen a guy on a bus wearing the exact same Kenneth Cole sandals I own. She hates these sandals like a fat kid hates broccoli. Considering she also hates my black Kenneth Cole boots and my dark blue Levis jeans, I have come to the following inevitable conclusion: Lauren is jealous of my fashion greatness.

I feel sorry for her. It must not be easy being in the shadow of someone with such a flawless sense of fashion.

When I wore the aforementioned sandals with tan shorts, no socks, sunglasses and a t-shirt, I know it was the jealously talking when she said I looked like a “40-year-old blind man.”

And when I wore a turtleneck sweater in July, I know her “have you lost your mind?” rant stemmed from an insecure sense of self.

And when I decided to pay homage to Britney Spears circa the 2001 Superbowl by wearing socks on my hands, I know her “get away from me before people think I know you” remark was made because she knew she could never pull off such a look.

Lord, why did you make me so stylish?