Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm
by kev on May 3, 2007 

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ATLANTA, GA - After losing his first four decisions of the season and posting an awful 10.62 ERA, the Atlanta Braves had starting pitcher Mark Redman “put down” this week.

“It was for the best,” said manager Bobby Cox. “After watching him get beat around the first month of the season, this was definitely the most humane thing to do.”

“He’s pitching to angels in Heaven now. Probably getting tagged by them, too.”

After blowing a 3-run lead and failing to get through the second inning in his May 1st start against the division-rival Phillies, the Braves coaching staff and front office held a closed-door meeting to decide the pitcher’s fate. Once the decision was made, the brain trust threw a pizza party to distract the other players as they took Redman to the doctor’s office.

“A few players asked us what we were talking about in our meeting, but once the pizza and clown arrived they quickly forgot all about it,” said pitching coach Roger McDowell.

Once the party was over and the horrible deed was done, the Braves announced that Redman was placed on the 15-day disabled list due to an ingrown nail on his left big toe. Once the ingrown nail is removed, the players were told Redman would rehab at one of the Braves’ minor league farm clubs.

However, not all players bought the explanation.

“Who goes on the disabled list because of an ingrown nail on your toe,” an exasperated John Smoltz asked reporters after hearing the news.

“Something isn’t right. Why didn’t he take his glove with him? If he is going to rehab with one of the farm clubs, won’t he need his glove??”

Even though the team knows lying is wrong, it’s confident keeping the players in the dark on Redman’s fate was the right thing to do.

“Maybe we’ll tell them what really happened someday,” remarked general manager John Schuerholz.

“Maybe when they’re older.”

The saga continues. For more comedic gold, go read Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie.

While it originally debuted on my blog, this post was revised and later published at Associated Content on August 20, 2007. You can go read it here.