I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
In a move experts predict will once and for all prove His existence, God used the Los Angeles legal system to sentence socialite/moron Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
The sentencing has been met by unanimous approval by every person in the entire world, and has sparked a religious revival not seen since the release of Mel Gibson’s film, The Passion of the Christ.
Churches across the world have been packed since the sentencing was announced.
“People have been coming in droves since the announcement,” said James O’Keefe, pastor of First Baptist Church in Decatur, Georgia.
“I was so certain God didn’t exist, but this has completely altered my outlook,” remarked atheist Dan Ryder of Omaha, Nebraska.
“God is real. And He is awesome.”
Hilton, who helped promote the “Vote or Die” campaign during the 2004 Presidential Election despite the fact she was not registered to vote, has called her sentencing cruel and unwarranted.
“I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted,” said Hilton as she left for a shopping trip with her mother.
“I don’t deserve this.”
Experts disagreed.
“This has been a long time coming,” noted karma expert and God enthusiast Kevin Dugan. “This [air quotes] woman [end air quotes] has been a thorn in the side of common sense for far too long. Monica Lewinsky had the decency to go away after her embarrassing scandal. Paris Hilton? She gets her own TV show and records an album.”
“Frankly, I’m surprised God didn’t smite her years ago.”
;-) 5.7.07 at 10:48 am:
My faith has definitely been bolstered.
The scariest part of this story is the picture: Vote or Die. I am afraid to consider the kinds of people she would encourage to vote.
I am begging you all – if you think Paris Hilton is cool, hip, “all that”, or any combination thereof, please stay home on election day.
;-) 5.7.07 at 11:37 am:
The article has been updated to include the amusing/scary story behind the “Vote or Die” shirt she is wearing in the picture.
I’ll give her credit for one thing: She is either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid for having the nerve to show her face in public after all of these incidents. Most people would stay indoors and hide their heads in shame.
;-) 5.7.07 at 2:45 pm:
By the way, I’m diggin’ the air quotes. I always wondered what to call that.
;-) 5.8.07 at 12:57 pm:
Oh Kevin. Please tell me that James O’Keefe & Dan Ryder are not real people. You just crack me up. I miss seeing your face when you tell jokes.
;-) 5.9.07 at 1:37 pm:
@Josh: I don’t know what I’d do without air quotes.
@Lauren: Do not fret. James O’Keefe and Dan Ryder are fictional (or at least I hope they are). Refresh my memory…what kind of face do I make when I’m telling jokes? Take a picture of yourself doing the face and send it to me.
;-) 8.1.08 at 3:04 pm:
[...] Four God Answers Critics, Sentences Paris Hilton to Jail [...]
;-) 8.7.08 at 12:10 pm:
[...] I write about Keanu Reeves being a horrible actor or Paris Hilton being a prime example of what’s wrong with today’s society, it’s not [...]
;-) 4.14.09 at 10:30 am:
[...] tramp with no redeemable qualities to an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities in prison. Then to an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities who is also an ex-con. Then to [...]