Clemens Signs with Yankees, Vows to let Money go to his Head
by kev on May 8, 2007 

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NEW YORK, NY - In a move designed to bolster their depleted starting rotation and get them back into playoff contention, the New York Yankees have signed pitcher Roger Clemens to a prorated 1-year, $28 million contract. It is estimated Clemens will earn $18.5 million for four months of work, which breaks down to roughly $8,900 for every pitch he throws.

“It wasn’t just about the money,” Clemens assured reporters at his press conference.

“It was the perks, too. They are going to treat me like the diva I’ve always imagined myself to be, and you just can’t put a price on that.”

Clemens’ contract stipulates that he only has to be with the team on days he is scheduled to pitch. This provision is so that Clemens can spend time with his family.

“Of course, ‘family’ is such an open-ended word,” noted Clemens. “I consider the guys I play golf with family. My masseuse is family. Vince, the stylist who did my highlights, is definitely family.”

In addition to salary and family considerations, other stipulations in the contract, along with Clemens’ explanation of each, include:

• An extra locker next to his in the Yankees’ clubhouse. “I want Vince to be close by in case my hair ever needs to be touched up.”
• A speaking role in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. “I don’t think that one needs any explanation.”
• Bowl of M&M’s by his locker before every game with all brown ones removed. “No, I don’t like Van Halen. Why do you ask?”
• The team fixes the Gold Glove Award so that he can win one. “They do it for (Derek) Jeter and he’s awful.”

Critics of the contract express concern that it will divide the Yankees’ clubhouse. Other players could become jealous of the special treatment Clemens is receiving. Clemens admitted that would likely be the case.

“It will be impossible for them not to be jealous of me,” Clemens conceded.

“Look at me. I’m awesome.”