I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Alright, I'm just a guy (though an admittedly awesome one at that -- oh, and humble) who likes to blog. Sarcasm, quick wit and gorilla dust are my tools of the trade. Feel free to browse my blog and
follow me. It's okay. I won't call the cops.
Click here if you'd like to write a guest blog for SKOS.
I was made aware of the Oscar the Cat story by my brother, Tim. He emailed me a link to the article. Later, after I wrote my blog post stating my belief Oscar the Cat was a serial killer, I sent Tim an email with a link so he could go read it. And so began the greatest email exchange in the history of the world:
Tim: Not your best work… You could’ve done better.
Me: It’s comic gold and you know it.
Tim: It’s funny, but you could’ve made it better.
Me: Probably, but my brain isn’t working today. Our coffee machine keeps breaking. Also, I skipped lunch. Bad decision.
Tim: You just jumped into the accusation of a killer cat feet first… You needed to set it up a little better.
Me: I did set it up a little…with my “which is more likely” rhetorical question.
Tim: It was very weak.
Me: Weak like a fox.
Tim: Yes, weak like a sickly, decrepit fox with muscular dystrophy.
Me: Have you ever met a sickly, decrepit fox with muscular dystrophy? The thing can still bench 400 lbs.
Tim: Have you ever seen any fox? They weigh at the most 15 pounds. Plus, they don’t have opposable thumbs, so they can’t bench anything.
Me: That’s what makes their brute strength all the more impressive.
Tim: Again, they are physically incapable of benching anything.
Me: Which, again, makes their ability to bench press 400 lbs. all the more impressive.
Tim: Except they don’t have the ability to bench press 400 lbs.
Me: Which makes their ability to overcome and bench press it anyway all the more impressive.
Tim: But they can’t overcome.
Me: Which makes it all the more impressive that they somehow do.
Tim: Except they don’t.
Me: And yet they do.
Tim: That’s the thing… they don’t.
Me: Except when they do, which is always.
I’m sorry, did I say this was the “greatest” email exchange of all time? I meant the “lamest.” I always get those confused.
Fox News did a story today on a cat who lives at a nursing home in Providence, RI. This cat has the ability to “predict” when patients are about to die. Here is an excerpt:
Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” said Dr. David Dosa in an interview.
The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and other illnesses.
After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He’d sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours.
Frankly, I am appalled at the incompetence of the nurses and doctors at this nursing home. Which is more likely:
- This cat is able to sense when people are about to die.
- This is an evil cat. He knows when patients are about to die because he is the one killing them.
I think the answer is pretty obvious.
My guess is the first time Oscar the Cat (if that is his real name) killed, it was a crime of passion. However, after the first kill he became hooked. He kept waiting for the doctors or nurses to put an end to his kitty killing spree and call the police, but they never did. Instead they began to praise him for his amazing predictions. He became a celebrity.
It reminds me of the 1980s television show Murder She Wrote that starred Angela Lansbury. Every episode she would go somewhere and a murder would happen. She would conveniently solve the murder. Why didn’t anyone put two and two together and realize this woman was a serial killer who was pinning her crimes on innocent people?
I don’t know if I want to live in a world where Oscar the Cat and Angela Lansbury are allowed to roam free.
While it originally debuted on my blog, this article was slightly revised and later published by Associated Content on August 20, 2007. You can go read it here.
I have never seen any of the Harry Potter movies or read any of the books. I have read The Three Musketeers and seen the 1994 Charlie Sheen, Chris O’Donnell and Kiefer Sutherland movie of the same name.
I have never been to New York, California or any country outside of the United States. I have been to Alabama. Twice.
I have never seen any of The Godfather movies, Casablanca, It’s a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane. I have seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Jaws: The Revenge, Teen Wolf Too and Pauly Shore’s Son in Law.
I have never before drank champagne. I have drank Pepsi Vanilla.
An avid baseball fan, I have not been to a Major League Baseball game this decade. I have been to Alabama. Twice.
The Atlanta Braves Sign Charlie Sheen fake news article I wrote last year was accepted and published by Associated Content today. It is the 8th article of mine they have accepted since I joined earlier this month. Here is an excerpt:
Desperate for starting pitching after the loss of Mike Hampton and the ineffectiveness of Mark Redman, Kyle Davies and Lance Cormier, the Atlanta Braves have signed actor Charlie Sheen to a major league contract.
The star of Hot Shots! and Scary Movie 3, Sheen is no stranger to the game. As a boy, he played in Little League. As an adult, he participated in a Celebrity All-Star Game at Dodger Stadium in 1986. And in 1996, he took batting practice with the Seattle Mariners before a game. However, it was his work in three baseball-based films – Major League, Major League II, and Eight Men Out - that caught the eye of the Atlanta Braves.
Go here to read the rest of the article at Associated Content.
Because the coffee machine at my work’s kitchen broke earlier this morning, during my lunch break I stopped by the local CVS Pharmacy for my non-coffee caffeine drink of choice, Coke Zero. I walked inside, quickly grabbed two 20-oz bottles and got in the checkout line.
In front of me in line was a lady in her 60s and two children (a boy and a girl, who I estimate were ages 8 and 10, respectively). The kids lacked what I like to call an “indoor voice” (the ability not to speak as though the person you’re communicating with is fifty yards away and hard of hearing).
The lady had no control over them. When they yelled at one another from five feet away, she didn’t tell them to hush. When the boy was crawling on the floor to pick up change he had dropped (crawling between the woman’s legs in the process), she didn’t tell him to behave. When the girl began to touch every item the lady had placed on the checkout counter, she didn’t tell her to stop.
After receiving her change and receipt, the lady then walked away towards the exit. However, the children did not go with her. I quickly realized that she was not their mother, grandparent or guardian. She was just a little old lady lacking the courage to tell these little brats to stop invading her personal space. The two kids were in line behind her.
It turned out that the person in charge of these kids was sitting in his car in the parking lot. He had the two kids run into CVS, unsupervised, to pick up whatever items they needed. I’m not certain, but I believe I saw an I’m with Stupid t-shirt draped across his torso.
Had I known what was going on, I would have come to the lady’s rescue. I would not dare tell a parent to control their rambunctious children, but I would have no problem telling two unsupervised kids to calm down and stop harassing an old lady.
As it was, with the lady gone and the children now at the front of the line, I had only a few seconds to impart to them a life lesson. So I decided to tell them that the lady they had been tormenting was Mrs. Santa Claus, and that I was fairly certain they wouldn’t be receiving any Christmas presents this year.
As they walked away in tears, I patted myself on the back for the good deed I had done. As good citizens go, today, I was the most goodest.
I hope Santa remembers that come December.
After nearly six years producing albums that featured pre-teens singing covers of mildly inappropriate pop songs, the makers of Kidz Bop announced today that they have officially sold their souls to the devil and abandoned all pretense with the planned release of Kidz Bop 21: The Christina Aguilera Collection.
“We’ve been making parents and sane adults uncomfortable for years with the songs we’ve chosen to cover,” said Kidz Bop producer and co-founder, who goes simply by the name Lucifer.
“Britney Spears’ Toxic, Hinders’ Lips of an Angel, Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend…the damage we’ve done to these children’s lives is impossible to quantify. It’s fun to try, but it’s impossible.”
The album’s debut single, Dirrty, originally scheduled for release on 6/6/06 before production delays, will hit stores the next Friday the 13th, which is in June 2008. The album will be released the following week.
“With the ‘Christina’ collection, we’re confident that we are helping to ruin civilization as we know it,” remarked producer Joe Stalin.
“It feels good.”
While it originally debuted on my blog, this article was later published by Associated Content on August 16, 2007. You can go read it here.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have purchased a home in Montecito, CA that is just down the road from Oprah Winfrey’s $50 million estate. Cruise, who infamously made headlines in 2005 when he psychotically jumped up and down on Oprah’s sofa while appearing on her TV show, is excited about the move.
“We can’t wait to move in,” a jubilant Cruise told reporters. “Katie is already planning on baking a pie so that we can take it over to Oprah’s house for a ‘welcome to the neighborhood’ kind of thing.”
When told it was customary for existing members of a neighborhood to welcome new members, Cruise began to laugh uncontrollably. He then punched a nearby kitten.
In unrelated news, Oprah has put her home up for sale.
While it originally debuted on my blog, this article was later published by Associated Content on August 14, 2007. You can go read it here.
In a story too insane and inhumane to comprehend, on July 13 a married couple in Nevada pleaded guilty to two counts of child neglect. With food and baby formula in the home, the couple’s two children, ages 2 and 11 months, were found malnourished and close to death after having gone without food for an undetermined period of time. Why did the couple, Michael and Iana Shaw, not feed their children? They were preoccupied playing the online video game, Dungeons & Dragons.
The Straw case was cracked open after a neighbor complained to police about a baby’s constant crying. An officer’s visit prompted social workers to investigate and ultimately take the children to the hospital where doctors said they were severely malnourished and were on the verge of death …
Michael Straw in September received a $50,000 inheritance which he spent by December on computer equipment and a large plasma television screen that displayed their video games, namely Dungeons & Dragons …
“Instead of providing health care or food for their children, they bought computer equipment.”
Other tidbits from the article:
- The 11-month-year-old girl, who weighed 6 pounds at birth, only weighed 10 pounds. When found, she could not lift her head or sit up because she had no muscle development. Her hair was matted with cat urine and she had an infection in her mouth. She was dehydrated to the point she could not cry or urinate.
- Her 2-year-old brother also was severely starved. His lack of muscle development caused him difficulty in walking.
- Neither child had received immunizations, and the 11-month-year-old girl had not received any medical care since her birth.
- When the officer responded to the neighbor’s complaint, the inside of the Straw’s apartment was filled with trash bags of garbage. Pathways had been made to navigate around the home.
- Both children are currently in foster care. They are said to be doing well and gaining weight.
Stories like this one make me ill.
The article refers to the couple’s obsession with video games as an “addiction.” Addiction is one step away from calling it a disease, and in this age of zero accountability we live in it’s only a matter of time before someone champions the “video game addiction is a disease” cause.
“They did not know what they were doing,” someone will shout. “They have a problem, we should be helping them instead of condemning them,” another will say.
An important issue, which is something not mentioned or alluded to anywhere in the article, is the good health of the couple:
They were not malnourished. They were not starving. They were not covered in their own filth. They were healthy, fat and happy.
This means they had to have taken breaks from the video game in order to get food and use the restroom. They were not lost in the game to the point they let themselves starve. They walked by their starving 2-year-old son. They heard the cries of their 11-month-year-old daughter. And they did nothing.
Both parents face a maximum 12-year sentence. The vindictive side of me thinks the sentencing should include their being spayed and neutered. They should be forced to sit in prison cells for days at a time without food while the prison guards play The Sims just a few feet away.
The other side of me thanks God for giving the children a better home where they can be loved and protected.
The following post was recently submitted to and published by Associated Content. Unlike my previous AC submissions, this one is brand new to the online world:
Shortly after graduating from college (and by “shortly” I mean the very next day), I began work as a teacher at the very high school from which I had graduated only years earlier. I believe the term “trial by fire” aptly described my situation. As the school’s first ever computer teacher, I was charged with creating the curriculum from scratch, learning all the software used by faculty and staff, and teaching all new faculty and staff how to use said software.
There was also the little matter of figuring out how to be a teacher. The first year was quite the learning experience. However, in time I picked up numerous tips and tricks to make my life easier. I even came up with a few classroom management ideas of my own.
Go here to read the rest of the article at Associated Content.
Associated Content (which pegs itself as “The People’s Media Company”) has published six “articles” of mine previously posted on my blog. During my quest to see if I could earn some supplemental income with my blogging hobby, I stumbled upon AC’s website and submitted some of my work. In addition to the enjoyment of seeing your work and your name on another website, Associated Content also paid me a few bucks for each article. Not too shabby.
If that wasn’t enough, once a month AC will give me a bonus based on how many views my articles receive. The more views, the bigger bonus and the more they will be willing to pay me for additional article contributions.
(What’s this mean to you, my three regular blog readers? It means it would be great if you visited each of my AC articles a few thousand times. Thanks in advance, guys.)
Without further ado, here are the articles AC published. If you have never previously read them, enjoy. If you have previously read them, it looks like you get to win the lottery twice!
Looking around my desk at work, it appears I have two of everything (two scissors, two staplers, two staple removers, two tape dispensers, etc.). When I moved to this office, the person who had it before me left all of her stuff behind. I didn’t know that when I moved in, so I brought all of my stuff from my old office with me.
Since I am full of riches, I think I will give some of my belongings to the less fortunate. And when I say “give” I mean “sell on Amazon.” And when I say “less fortunate” I mean anyone in the market for a beautiful, black stapler.
A few weekends ago, the family rented three movies. The two “guy” movies were Snakes on a Plane and Rocky Balboa. This led to the following conversation:
Me: If they combined these two movies, it would be called “Rocky Balboa on a Plane.”
Family Member #1: That doesn’t sound very entertaining.
Me: That’s where you’re wrong. Think about it. You’re on a plane. You’re minding your own business. And then Rocky Balboa sits down beside you.
Family Member #2: And?
Me: That’s it. It would be a short movie, but I predict box office gold.
Yes, I realize my sense of humor is unusual.
This is not a work of my own creation, but it made me laugh nontheless:
Dear Mr. Prime,
We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.
Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either “Sneak attack by Decepticons” or “Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings.”
Funny stuff. To read all of it, go here.
The coffee machine at my work’s kitchen is broken. I don’t want to say I am addicted to coffee, but I’m fairly certain that if I do not get some caffeine in my system soon I will be able to set things on fire with my eyes.
No buy.
What? You want a reason?
Fine.
IT COSTS $500!!
Unless it has a feature that detects buried treasure, Apple is going to have to come down about $450.99 for me and my frugal self to jump on board.
(In the off-chance it DOES have such a feature, I would like to buy Steve Jobs a Coke Zero)
