The following is a significant revision of the fake, Keanu-penned blog post I did last year titled, I am an Awful, Awful Actor. This new version was recently published at Associated Content. I will also present it here in all its glory.

Inarguably an awful actor, how Keanu Reeves continues to earn work in Hollywood is a mystery even to him.

“I am arguably the worst actor alive today,” Keanu Reeves says to me as we shake hands after meeting for the first time.

KJD: May I just call you “Keanu” for short?

Keanu: Oh, that’s fine. I just wanted to get that out of the way right off the bat. You don’t have to call me “the worst actor alive today” or anything. Unless you want to?

KJD: Maybe later.

My initial impression of Keanu Reeves after meeting him in person is that he’s a man who possesses ample self awareness. The star of numerous blockbuster movies, Reeves realizes he is an awful actor. In fact, he’s very forthcoming about it.

KJD: So, Keanu, I’ve been wanting to ask you this question for years – how the heck?? How do you keep getting work?

Keanu: I honestly don’t know. Somehow, I keep getting roles in movie after movie. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why do directors and producers keep casting me? Why do people keep going to movie theaters to watch me? Don’t they realize I stink?

KJD: Hey, man, I’m with you. You’re preaching to the choir. How did you get into acting? How on earth did that come about?

Keanu: I got into it on a dare.

KJD: Naturally.

Keanu: I assumed I wouldn’t last very long. I knew I stunk and figured others would quickly see it, too. After my first audition, I walked out thinking, “yeah, I’ll never hear from those people again.” Incredibly, not only did I hear from them again, they offered me a role. I couldn’t believe it. I actually asked the director, “you do realize I stink, right?” The director just looked at me and laughed. “You’re so funny, Keanu.”

KJD: The director was clearly disturbed.

Keanu: Tell me about it.

KJD: Did you assume it was a fluke?

Keanu: Of course. I was certain every movie since would be my last. Half way during the filming of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989), I turned to Alex Winter, my co-star, and asked, “what are you going to do after we finish this movie? I was thinking about going to night school.” Somehow, the movie turned out to be a huge hit.

KJD: Alex who?

Keanu: Winter. Ironically, after we finished shooting the sequel a few years later, Alex fell off the face of the earth and was never heard from again. I was sure I’d follow the same fate, but somehow I kept getting work.

After researching the Internet Movie Database, I discovered that Alex Winter does indeed exist.

KJD: In 1992, you were cast in the movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula. You got to work with a famous director, an Academy Award winning actor in Anthony Hopkins, and respected actors like Gary Oldman and Winona Ryder. Tell me, how the heck did that happen?

Keanu: Beats me. “Surely,” I thought to myself, “people will see how awful I truly am in this movie.” Somehow, no one noticed. I think all the vampires in the film distracted everyone.

KJD: The next year, Kenneth Branagh cast you in Much Ado About Nothing. Shakespeare. They cast you, Keanu Reeves, in a Shakespear movie. Were they insane?

Keanu: If you think that’s bad, that same year I was cast as a Tibetan monk in a film called Little Buddha. Casting me to portray Muhammad Ali would have made about as much sense.

KJD: Then you hit the jackpot with 1994’s blockbuster Speed. Tell us about that movie.

Keanu: To be honest, I thought I finally had the movie that would end the insanity with Speed. An insane plot, a first time director, an unknown co-star named Sandra Bullock, and Dennis Hopper, a borderline psychotic, as the villain. I couldn’t believe it – the movie turned out to be box office gold. I was more popular than ever.

KJD: And yet you passed on the sequel, Speed 2.

Keanu: I’m still kicking myself for that one. To this day, people give me credit for being all smart and stuff by passing on Speed 2 since it turned out to be such a bomb, but the truth is I passed on it because I thought it was going to be a hit! Had I known it was going to be such a disaster, I would have jumped on board. Maybe if I had, I could have finally gotten out of acting. I could have then pursued my passion.

KJD: And what would that be?

Keanu: Teaching English as a second language.

It took a series of absolutely awful movies – Johnny Mnemonic, Chain Reaction, Feeling Minnesota, The Devil’s Advocate – before people finally started to realize how truly awful Keanu Reeves was at everything he did. But then he was cast in The Matrix.

KJD: Tell us about The Matrix.

Keanu: The Matrix was the most ridiculous script I had ever read. Virtually every other actor between the ages of 20 and 45 had passed on it. The writers and directors were brothers and complete unknowns. Laurence Fishburne, who had almost reached the point where he was going to have to do sitcom cameos on The WB, was the co-star. Add to all that my truly awful acting ability and the movie was sure to be a huge failure. Two sequels and a gagillion dollars later and I’m still shaking my head wondering how it was so successful.

KJD: But to be fair, the two Matrix sequels were awful. They made me want to physically injure you.

Keanu: Thank you! See, you get it. Finally, someone sane.

KJD: No, I’m serious. Those two movies were incredibly, incredibly bad. I believe that anyone involved in their creation should be tarred and feathered. And I’m not just saying that because I like the expression, I seriously believe they should be tarred and feathered.

Keanu: We’re of a like mind, you and I.

KJD: I’m glad. Well, we better wrap this up. Last question – what have you learned from your time as an actor?

Keanu: I’ve learned that no matter what I do, directors are going to keep casting me in movies and, no matter how bad those movies, people are going to keep going to theaters to watch them. A buddy cop movie where my partner is a chimp? Audiences will eat it up. A western where I star as a small town sheriff and Owen Wilson is a wise-cracking outlaw? They’ll demand a sequel. A romantic drama where Sandra Bullock and I live in the same house two years apart, but we’re able to communicate via a magic mailbox capable of time travel? Even that movie turned out to be a hit.

KJD: You’re speaking of The Lake House. I actually went to go see that movie on a date. You owe me $18.

Keanu: My sincerest apologies. Here, let’s make it an even $20.

KJD: Thanks. Any final words before we begin the tarring and feathering?

Keanu: Yes. Seriously, what is wrong with all you people? Can’t you see I stink?

KJD: Well said. Now, close your eyes.

The above interview was fake and intended for entertainment purposes only. Except for the parts that were true, everything contained within the interview was completely fabricated.

Sue came to me depressed. “Why does no one visit my blog,” she asked me.

“Well Sue,” I responded, trying to choose my words carefully. “No one visits your blog because they think you’re dumb. You misspelled ‘blog’ in your page’s title. Also, you misspelled your name.”

Sadly, Sue’s problem is all too common. In today’s fast-paced world, many have replaced proper grammar and spelling with run-on sentences and shorthand. This is fine if you are sending your mom a text message from your cell phone while driving and changing the radio station. It is not fine if you are writing a paper for school, drafting a proposal for your job, or – in Sue’s case – writing a blog.

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After the coffee machine in my place of employment’s kitchen broke for the fifth time in three weeks today, I came to the following conclusion: I am an unwilling participant in some sort of sadistic science experiment.

Coffee machines simply do not “break.” They’re like alarm clocks, blue jeans or tooth brushes in that regard – once you have one, decades go by before you need another. With that indisputable fact in place, it stands to reason that the only possible explanation for our coffee machine’s repeated breakdowns is foul play.

I don’t know where these mad scientists are hiding, but I know they are following my every move. When I take two Advil because of a mid-morning caffeine headache, they are there. When I slap myself hard across the face in order to wake up, they are watching. When I rob the local Starbucks during my lunch break, they write it down in their clipboards.

At least I’ve kept my sanity through it all.

I find it amusing how words can take on a whole new meaning when used in a different context. A saying that is upbeat and cheery in most situations can be funny and juvenile in another. For example, before my work switched office buildings last year, we always had fliers with inspirational words on the walls of the men’s restroom. The following was once placed above one of the urinals:

Look up from what you are doing for a minute. See the beauty that is around you.

I know what you’re thinking. No, I didn’t put it there.

Someday, FoodTV “personalities” Rachael Ray and Emeril Lagasse are going to fall in love and have a child. And that child will one day destroy the world. Ironically, however, the child will not be able to cook.

In my world, this qualifies as a deep thought.

A forgotten part of the moving process is you have to clean your old place. And right now, my old place looks like a garbage can exploded inside of it. Why is my brother such a slob? Why do I keep everything ever given to me? An hour ago, I came across a November 2002 memo from (my former place of employment). Why did I hold onto it? Did it strike me as funny at the time? Did I keep it in case I ever wanted to spit out some gum? Was it a magic memo that promised to grant me three wishes? And if the latter, where are my millions of dollars, my Ivy-league educated supermodel girlfriend, and my ability to turn invisible?

I dug up this old post of mine after spending the weekend cleaning. I wrote it while I was getting ready for my April 2005 move. Two years later, in April 2007, I moved again. I am still, four months later, getting my place organized.

You would think I’d have learned from my move in 2005 to do a better job of decluttering. But sadly, I did not learn my lesson. I have too much old junk. Graded exams and assignments from back in my teaching days fill cardboard boxes in my room. Why do I keep them? I guess I have this paranoid feeling I will be “audited” someday. The principal of my old school will contact me asking to confirm the quiz grade of some random student back in 2003.

I hate audits.

It has been awhile since I have updated all of you on my progress, but I have had three more articles published at Associated Content. All three have been previously published in one form or another here on my blog, but one has been significantly reedited. Which one? Well, if I told you that what incentive would you have to go read the other two? Hmmm…?

• Kidz Bop 21: The Christina Aguilera Collection – After 6 years producing albums that featured pre-teens singing covers of mildly inappropriate pop songs, the makers of Kidz Bop announced today that they have officially sold their souls to the devil with the planned release of Kidz Bop 21: The Christina Aguilera Collection. Read more»
• Fred Durst Missing, Police Unconcerned – After he had not been seen or heard from in ages, the last two members of the Fred Durst Fanclub have filed a missing persons report on the singer of Limp Bizkit. Read more»
• Cruise Buys Home Next to Oprah, Oprah Beefs Up Security – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have purchased a home in Montecito, CA that is just down the road from Oprah Winfrey’s $50 million estate. Read more»

I used my Discover Card for the first time ever on Monday. The aftermath of this act gave me two distinct, conflicting opinions on Discover as a company.

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I finally watched the movie 300 last weekend. With a title like that, my brain thinks of two possibilities: a baseball flick (about a pitcher chasing 300 wins or a hitter chasing a .300 batting average) or a documentary about the average SAT score for America’s high schoolers. Still, as misleading movie titles go, 300 is pretty tame. For example:

• Those expecting a laugh-riot comedy filled with monkey hijinks when they watched the Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt film Twelve Monkeys were gravely disappointed.

• I’m sure that many a moviegoer was confused to see Rosie O’Donnell in the film Beautiful Girls.

• As a kid, I never thought I’d get over the disappointment of The Never Ending Story being only 102 minutes long.

• Words cannot express how I felt upon discovering Pauly Shore did not die in the 2003 “comedy” Pauly Shore is Dead.

• While not technically a misleading title, am I the only one who expected Kindergarten Cop to be about a 5-year old who fights crime?

What are some other misleading movie titles?

If you went to the Humor section of Associated Content’s site right now, you would see a familiar face. No, not mine…Charlie Sheen’s.

Two weeks after they first published it, Associated Content has put my Atlanta Braves Sign Charlie Sheen fake news story as its featured humor article. What does this mean? Nothing really. But I’d like to think it’s step one towards my goal of world domination.

If you would be so kind, go to the article at Associated Content and leave me a comment. Comments make me happy.

(In case the article ceases to be featured, here is a print screen)

That’s right, boys and girls. It’s another post about money.

In the fall of 1996, I received my first credit card. In the summer of 1997, I received my second. A decade later, I am now finally free of both.

Even though I haven’t used either card in over five years, the debt accumulated during those early years has followed me throughout my twenties. I was content, because I was ignorant and didn’t know any better, making the minimum payments each month. At interest rates of 20.5% and 31%, those minimum payments meant the credit card companies were able to bleed me dry in interest charges.

Last fall, I had my personal finance awakening and began trying to knock out this debt by paying double the minimum each month. In February 2007, I started my version of Dave Ramsey’s Snowball Method by tackling my highest interest rate debt first and paying only the minimum on everything else. I put every extra cent I had towards these debts. Tuesday, August 7, my last payment cleared. I am credit card debt free.

Now, it’s time to Riverdance.

Now that he has broken Hank Aaron’s legendary homerun record, it is time for me to do a cathartic exercise and write about my thoughts on Barry Bonds. But before I explain my reasoning as to why I believe Bonds is the worst kind of cheater, I should first establish why I indubitably believe he is a cheater:

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This one goes out to all of the people who just can’t get enough of the iPhone. You know who you are.