Help Me, Help You!
by kev on September 3, 2007 

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by Cuba Gooding Jr.

Life has been very, very good to Cuba! Currently, I’m starring with the Michael Jordan in a series of Hanes underwear commercials. I’m the star of a little movie destined to become a comedy classic called Daddy Day Camp. Yeah, you’ve heard of it. I’m also the star of a spoof commercial for Cialis that is currently taking the web by storm. To say I have reaped the benefits of my 1997 Academy Award trophy would be a gigantic understatement.

But for all my incredible achievements, I’m afraid Cuba has been a huge failure in one area: giving back to the fans. The time has come for me to finally give the fans what they’ve been begging for since December 1996. It’s time for Jerry Maguire 2.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why now, Cuba? Why are you lowering yourself to a Jerry Maguire sequel when you are at the top of your game?”

Like I said earlier, it’s all for you, the fans. Through the years, you have loyally followed me as I have explored challenging, sometimes controversial characters and films.

Everyone remembers my 1999 action masterpiece Chill Factor. You all helped my character in the film, Arlo, become a movie legend. When I tackled the role of Petty Officer Doris Miller in director Michael Bay’s classic Pearl Harbor, all of you, the Cuba fans, helped make the movie a box office smash. When I took my controversial role in 2001’s Rat Race, you, my fans, supported me. And the successes of Snow Dogs, Boat Trip and The Fighting Temptations go without saying.

Sure, I will be passing on some plumb roles by doing this. Sharon Stone wants me to be in her directorial debut, a drama about a middle-aged nurse with seven cats. Jimmy Fallon wants me to be his co-star in a buddy cop movie where we have to take a chimpanzee into protective custody after he is the witness to a murder. And I have a tentative offer to star in Leprechaun 12: Seriously, Stay Away From My Gold.

In other words, I have lots of options.

Hero? No, I’m not a hero, folks. I’m just a man who enjoys giving back to the fans who have supported him for so long. This is my gift to you, fans of Cuba. Enjoy it like the gift from the gods that it is.

Now, we just have to get director Cameron Crowe, Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger on board…

The above letter was fake and intended for entertainment purposes only. Except for the parts that were true, everything contained within was completely fabricated. And on a side note, I really think Cuba Gooding Jr. is a talented actor. He just needs to leave the stupid comedies to Jimmy Fallon.

This was the second of two Cuba-Gooding-Jerry-Maguire articles I did in a span of a few hours (for some strange reason). To read a more desperate take on Cuba’s Jerry Maguire 2 idea, click here.