by Cuba Gooding Jr.

In 1997, I was on top of the world. I had a hit movie under my belt (Jerry Maguire) and an Academy Award on the mantle over my fireplace. I had an ensemble comedy (As Get as it Gets) with Jack Nicholson set to come out later in the year. I had my choice of movie roles – if I wanted it, it was mine. If the director had an objection, I had him fired. I was Cuba Freakin’ Gooding Jr.

A decade later, my career is in shambles. Only one thought keeps getting me up in the morning. One thought that keeps me from throwing in the towel. One thought that gives me hope. One thought, three little words: Jerry. Maguire. Sequel.

I know what you’re thinking. I am almost 40 years old. My character in Jerry Maguire was a football player. With rare exceptions, football players are long retired by age 40. My agent in the movie, the title character, was portrayed by the one and only Tom Cruise, who is now clinically insane.

Blah, blah, blah.

I can do this people. No one thought it was possible for me to be a bigger sellout than when I did those Pepsi One commercials in the late 90s, but I proved them wrong with those Hanes underwear commercials I’m doing right now with Micheal Jordan, didn’t I? No one thought I could surpass the sheer lunacy of my 2002 film Snow Dogs, but I proved them wrong yet again with Boat Trip, right? If I can do those things, portraying a 40-year-old receiver who talks really loudly should be a piece of cake.

Oh, who am I kidding? I know this is a crazy idea. But I really need this people. I really, really need it.

Every time I have to film one of those Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan, a little part of me dies inside. Half way through this last one, the one where security guards have to pull me off of Michael because I can’t stop hugging him, I thought to myself, “I won an Academy Award ten years ago…what the heck am I doing here?”

Whatever wrongs I have done in my life I have paid for and then some. No one, absolutely no one, deserves this.

Please give me another chance. Don’t make me have to do a sequel to the awful Daddy Day Camp, which was itself an awful sequel to Eddie Murphy’s Daddy Day Care. Don’t make me have to take that role offered in the Old Navy commercial with that A.C. Slater guy from Saved by the Bell. For the love of all this is good and holy, don’t make me have to do a movie with Owen Wilson.

Please, people. I’m begging you. Unnecessary sequels are made all the time. What’s one more?

It’s not like I’m asking for a sequel to Pearl Harbor.

The above letter was fake and intended for entertainment purposes only. Except for the parts that were true, everything contained within was completely fabricated. And on a side note, I really think Cuba Gooding Jr. is a talented actor. He just needs to leave the stupid comedies to Jimmy Fallon.

This was the first of two Cuba-Gooding-Jerry-Maguire articles I did in a span of a few hours (for some strange reason). To read a more “I’m doing this for the fans” take on Cuba’s Jerry Maguire 2 idea, click here.