For all practical purposes, this blog of mine is not yet two months old. Sure, I registered the domain way back in 2003, but it sat around doing nothing for years. When I finally started using it, all it did was point to my old Wordpress.com blog. The older posts you find here came over from that blog, in fact. As such, innovations like promoting the site and tracking the visitors who come here are fairly recent developments for me.

I write all that to say it truly, truly pains me that I have not been tracking my visitors since the beginning. Seriously, seeing how some people arrived at my site is comedy magic.

Because the topics I write about are all over the map (I’ve talked about a cat I expect is a serial killer, written a tribute to Orville Redenbacher, written a fake news story where the Atlanta Braves euthanize one of their pitchers, etc.), the search terms that can be used to bring people to my site is absurdly amazing.

That is why I have to decided to add a new feature to the site called Dear Reader. Occasionally, whenever a particularly “interesting” search term is used by someone to get to my site, I will write a letter to that individual here on my site. It’s my way of giving back.

First up is an individual from San Gwann in the country of Malta, who came to my site after typing the search “what do aliens feed on” into Google.

Dear Mulder,

Thank you for visiting my site! The post I wrote on September 7th titled Do Aliens Have Feet? is likely the reason my site came back in your search results. I am hopeful my post, which theorized aliens were stealing my socks, was helpful to you. However, I know there is at least a small chance my post did not contain the information for which you were looking. The possibility that my site failed you troubles me, so I would now like to attempt to answer your question.

What do aliens feed on? First, let me say that this is an excellent question and not the least bit psychotic. Aliens, like us humans, are fans of Chinese food. Sweet and sour pork, beef and broccoli, egg rolls and mushroom chicken are some of their favorites. Also, I believe they like to eat my socks.

I hope this was helpful to you, Mr. Mulder. In the off-chance you reenter your search into Google, I’m confident this post will show up very high in the results so you can see it.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Good luck with the aliens.

kev

P.S. Please don’t hurt me.