On September 13th, OJ Simpson and two co-defendants allegedly pointed guns at two individuals, taking their sports memorabilia along with the cell phone of one of the individuals and the baseball cap and sunglasses of the other individual.

Call me a skeptic, but that doesn’t sound like the OJ Simpson I know.

Simpson might be many things, but he isn’t an armed robber. Oh sure, he has previously killed two people in cold blood. I’ll give you that. But armed robber? That just isn’t him. To claim otherwise is a slap in the face to all good-natured, quasi-evil murderers everywhere.

Just look at the facts.

In this case, Simpson is charged with pointing a gun. A gun. Does that sound like OJ Simpson to you? Simpson’s weapon of choice has, and always will be, a knife. As Johnnie Cochran would say, “if the weapons aren’t the same, you must do something that rhymes with ‘same’ but means let him go.”

Also, Simpson is alleged to have had the two co-defendants help him commit the robbery. I don’t think so. OJ Simpson likes to work alone. He worked alone when he was carrying the football for the Buffalo Bills back in the day, and he worked alone when he murdered Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. He’s a lone wolf. A good-natured, quasi-evil, murdering lone wolf.

Another hole in the prosecution’s case is the failure to make any mention of Simpson wearing gloves in the alleged robbery. As we all know, Simpson likes to wear tiny gloves barely large enough to fit onto his hands when he is about to commit a crime. Are we really supposed to believe Simpson committed a crime gloveless, using a gun instead of a knife, and with two sidekicks? I’m not buying it.

And finally, the biggest hole in the prosecution’s case is the little matter of the two robbed individuals still being alive. If Simpson was truly involved, don’t you think both of them would be dead right now?

What saddens me most about this heinous accusation is how it will impact children. Instead of growing up in a world where you immediately associate the name OJ Simpson with “double murderer who got away with it,” they might have to grow up in a world where you instead think, “OJ Simpson: armed robber.”

I don’t know about you, but that brings a tear to my eye.