I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
In my adult life, I have gone entire calendar years without having a single cup of coffee.
I didn’t dislike coffee. I liked it okay, I suppose. I just never understood the huge appeal (much less why so many people were flat-out addicted to it).
That was until two years ago.
Two years ago, I began working at my current place of employment. There was three beverage options in the break room: sodas, water and coffee. Sodas cost 50 cents each. Water and coffee were free.
Free coffee. A frugal guy like me didn’t stand a chance.
Suddenly, I went from drinking maybe two or three cups of coffee a year (usually during the Winter around the holidays) to drinking two or three cups a day. Soon, that number was increased to four cups a day. Then the cups doubled in size. And then I began throat punching co-workers who got between me and the coffee machine.
When the large paper cups in the kitchen didn’t cut it for me anymore, I borrowed one of my dad’s large coffee mugs. He doesn’t drink coffee, but over the years he had been given numerous mugs as gifts. I took one of his “#1 Dad” mugs (he had three of them) because it was the largest.
The fact I was single, had no children, and would be asked repeatedly by co-workers about my non-existent children as a result of carrying around such a coffee mug did not deter me. It was large and could hold mass quantities of coffee. That is all that mattered.
I knew my addiction was getting out of hand a couple months ago when the large coffee maker in the break room broke and a small coffee pot temporarily replaced it. Not wanting to compete with 100 coffee-hungry co-workers, I stole the small coffee pot and hid it under the desk in my office. To mask the delicious coffee aroma, I brought in a bucket of paint and “accidentally” spilled it on the floor. Sure, the paint fumes caused me to hallucinate a little. My stapler came alive and threatened to tell my boss that I stole the coffee pot. But I took care of that. He won’t be talking to anyone now…
Sometimes, late at night, when I am lying in bed wide awake and shaking, I pray to God that He will help me break my coffee addiction. Getting me off the juice will be no easy task, though. It will take an act of God. It will take a miracle.
Short of that, it will take the coffee in the break room no longer being free.
;-) 10.6.07 at 9:38 am:
Just repeat after me: “Coffee is not my friend; it only brings heartache.”
;-) 10.6.07 at 11:07 am:
I knew it. I knew that cowardly little stapler had a mind of its own. Every time I go to use it, the things empty. I’m gonna staple it to the wall. Now that’s ironic. Wait a minute but what if they can talk to each other? What if they can read my mind. They are gonna gang up & staple me. No that can’t be right. I need to be in charge. What if they wait until I’m asleep? No sleep. That’s it, I will just stay awake. Now all I need is a good supply of caffeine?
Granny
;-) 10.6.07 at 6:05 pm:
I believe you have my stapler.
;-) 10.6.07 at 10:01 pm:
Funny !
ah coffee…Hey, I can quit anytime I want.
{{{{{shivering}}}}
;-) 10.8.07 at 5:04 am:
I know how you can quit coffee addiction. Come to my office and try the shit out of the machine. It will cause you to actually contemplate buying an extortionately expensive coffee from Starbucks and go bankrupt! Yipee!
Guess which one I’m drinking riiiiight now…
;-) 10.8.07 at 6:48 am:
Hi Kev,
I too am a coffee addict – and have no intention of breaking my addiction.
I figure that since coffee is the worst addiction I have, I don’t really mind if I have one pure addiction.
I did however, discover a key drawback in using coffee in the office last week. I dropped my freshly made coffee from a standing height. The spillage covered an entire set of student notes I had just finished preparing as well as my keyboard and almost my entire screen.
Needless to say, I was not happy.
At home, I use small pre-mixed plastic cups of ice coffee with a straw. Not great for the environment, but great tasting and virtually spillage free.
Accordingly, I can place my caffine fix right next to my laptop computer without fear.
Cheers
Andrew
;-) 10.8.07 at 9:50 am:
The fact that coffee at my office is free might sway me but I have never drank coffee and really don’t need an ancillary caffeine addiction.
;-) 10.9.07 at 11:49 am:
I just had to let you know that this one killed me. I was smothering my laughter but pitiful little sounds still escaped me. Please, don’t break the habit if it’s going to supply stories like that.
;-) 10.9.07 at 2:10 pm:
@Josh: Yes, but it tastes so good!
@Granny: We should form an anti-stapler alliance, you and I.
@Marie: Yikes. I don’t think you’d want it in its current condition. Sorry.
@Kitty: I’m going to guess…the Starbucks coffee?
@Andrew: True, but I hear caffeine addiction starts with coffee. Before you know it, you’re hooked on Red Bull. I’ve never had it, but I imagine it tastes awful.
@Sornie: Come on, just try one cup. You won’t get hooked. Promise.
@Erin: Glad I could entertain. Also, glad you’re finally updating your Xanga again. I expect four a week, by the way, so hop to it. Chop, chop.
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