I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Like everyone else in the world who was blessed with the power of awesomeness by God, I possess several unique gifts.
I have the gift – some would call it a curse – of being a reservoir of pop culture and sports knowledge.
I am wise with money.
I can chop onions, more times than not, without cutting one of my fingers. Also, onions do not make me cry.
I am very observant. In the late 90s, I correctly surmised the band Hanson was three dudes when everyone else I knew swore they were three girls. I also correctly surmised that their music was annoying. True story.
However, for all my strengths, I have one super, glaring, huge weakness…
I am directionally challenged. Actually, that’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be grouped with your typical directionally-challenged individual. I am worse. Much, much worse. If I had been Frodo in Lord of the Rings, the movies would have been ten hours longer because I would have gotten lost two dozen times.
Allow me to produce evidence of my ineptness:
In high school, my date and I got lost after the prom. This was despite the fact we were driving around the town I grew up in as a child.
Last year, when I was going to be flying for the first time, I asked my dad to draw me a map to the airport. I also asked him to draw me a map for the inside of the airport.
When I know someone is going to need directions to my house, I get on Google Maps and print the information ahead of time. When I am caught off guard by someone in need of directions, I pretend to lose my phone signal.
When I need directions from someone, I ask for landmarks instead of street names. “Take a right onto Elm off of Green, and then take a left at Jefferson” might be adequate directions for most, but it’s useless to me. I need directions like, “take a right at the Burger King.” Or even better, “take a right at the third red light…it’s the one where that crazy guy with an eye patch sits on the corner.”
To give an all-encompassing list of examples of my ineptness when it comes to this area, I would have to quit my job and devote several months to the project. Seriously.
I have no explanation as to why I am so bad with directions. How can I chop an onion without crying or cutting my finger, but not be able to find my way to a grocery store on the far side of town to buy said onion?
Maybe this is God’s way of making sure people do not feel too intimated by my awesomeness?
Good one, God. You got me.
Alternate titles for this post were “Every Achilles Has His Heel” and “Every Donald Trump Has His Toupee?” So what’s your kryptonite? Leave a comment!
;-) 10.8.07 at 4:21 pm:
So, spill: are you the artist who drew that Superman picture?
;-) 10.8.07 at 4:30 pm:
The Superman came from a photo I found online. I edited his face to change the smile he was previously sporting to a slight grimace. I also erased a woman who was standing beside Superman. The sign is something else I found online and edited. I cropped it, cut it in half, and added the two cities to it. Click on either link to see the originals.
The hill drawn in the background and the caption were all me, though!
;-) 10.8.07 at 5:31 pm:
It’s funny that your ability to be observant doesn’t help you out when it comes to directions. I’m pretty good with directions b/c I am able to remember landmarks and the names of streets (for the most part).
However I have cut my finger cutting onions and furthermore onions make my nose and tear ducts go crazy.
;-) 10.8.07 at 6:03 pm:
Wow, Kev, you really are awesomely inept! Except for the onion thing. What is wrong with your eyes, man? You really should be crying. So, what DOES make you cry? Inquiring minds want to know.
;-) 10.8.07 at 7:16 pm:
If you take away the pre drawn superman figure & the slightly altered signpost I see serious potential in your artistic talent.
I actually have the power to turn myself invisible & make everyone around me deaf at the same time. In order to do carry out this magnificent scientifically mystifying feat all I need is a crowded bar & a copious amount of strong beer.
Once I have consumed enough of the clever juice I begin to vanish & I can perform mischievous pranks whilst unseen by other people stood nearby. Pranks that ordinarily would seem a waste of time but when invisible are extremely funny & clever. It is probably a side effect of these powers that temporarily causes people to become hard of hearing, I combat this by raising my voice. Hilarious!!
On one occasion I felt a tap on the shoulder as I stood urinating against the wall of an alley. I looked around & to my surprise there stood a policeman. Now there were only two possibilities. 1) he hadn’t really seen me & he was just casually waving his arms around in the hope of catching any old invisible prankster or 2) I hadn’t quite consumed enough clever juice & my iq hadn’t been elevated sufficiently to access the special part of the brain needed to flick the invisible switch.
His hearing had gone though. When I told him to bugger off he just stood there. Didn’t move an inch. So obviously he hadn’t heard a thing.
Granny,
sshh! you’ve not seen me. right!
;-) 10.8.07 at 8:58 pm:
Coffee, but you went over that already.
I’m bad with directions, too, but I have a secret weapon- a wife who is generally pretty good with directions. She’s not as good as she thinks she is (shhhh!), but she manages to BS her way around someplace until we find where we are headed, and her self-confidence (even if she’s totally lost herself) helps me to believe we are completely in control.
;-) 10.8.07 at 9:50 pm:
Kev, this blog is way too Hollywood for me. I can barely find the icon that allows me to leave you a comment. I miss sevencagedtigers.
;-) 10.9.07 at 4:57 am:
My ineptness stems from the fact that everytime I chop red pepper I have the urge to rub my eye. Can everyone say ‘ahhhhhhhh!!!!!’?
;-) 10.9.07 at 11:40 am:
I was going to say that I don’t have a weakness but then I remembered what you pointed out on my site so I’ll have to go with skirts and dresses.
Or maybe cheese graters. I usually grate some skin off my fingers when I try to use those.
;-) 12.4.07 at 6:19 pm:
Fashion Magazine Online…
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting…
;-) 3.12.08 at 1:14 pm:
[...] As I’ve mentioned before, I am directionally challenged. However, I am also mean and short tempered when I drive. This may [...]
;-) 3.18.08 at 4:45 pm:
[...] Every Superman Has His Kryptonite @ Special Kind of Stupid (non-PF) — I love Kev’s funny and clever posts, but this one is particularly good. To quote Kev: “Like everyone else in the world who was blessed with the power of awesomeness by God, I possess several unique gifts.” Everyone is gifted at something — we just have to find out what that gift is. [...]
;-) 4.6.09 at 9:54 am:
[...] it’s because I’m such a directionally-challenged individual — it requires me to be extra aware of my surroundings, and as a result I observe all of the [...]