Pick the Punchline
by kev on October 11, 2007 

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I will be out of town the next four days. Sadly, this means I will be unable to give all of you, my faithful readers/fans/stalkers, your daily dose dry, pointless wit.

Now, now, do not cry. I have devised a little something to (hopefully) keep you entertained while I am away.

There are a few writing techniques I use over and over in my stories. One of my favorites goes something like this:

1. I give a completely normal and sane scenario (Example: my socks keep disappearing).
2. I write: “Naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation.”
3. I come up with a completely illogical conclusion (Example: an alien is breaking into my home and stealing my socks).

I then proceed to take that illogical conclusion and run with it. You’ve seen me do it in The Haunting, Identical Twins Reunited by Awesome Dude and Awesome Dude’s Brother, Do Aliens Have Feet, and most recently in I Have a Stalker (and Ants in My Car).

Yeah, I know. Comic gold.

It occurred to me recently that it’s unfair for me to have all the fun. Oh sure, you all have the pleasure of reading these gold nuggets of comedic magic, but you don’t get to experience the exhilaration that goes along with writing them. Well, that’s about to change.

Below, I will write a normal, sane setup to a story. Then I will add the line, “naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation.” And then the story will end.

The punchline will be determined by all of you. Just leave a comment with your best punchline. Leave several punchlines if you want. And when I get back, I will steal take a page out of Diesel’s Caption Contests over at his site, Mattress Police, and pick the punchlines I like best. I will then either set up a poll letting you vote for the punchline you like best, or just pick the one I like best and be done with it. Either way, I will take the winning punchline and use it to complete the story at a later date.

At my job, we have had several new employees come on board the past few months. Most of them are genuinely pleasant, but one in particular takes pleasantness to a whole new level. She always smiles when she passes me in the building. When walking by my office on her way to the break room, she will peek her head in the door and ask if I need a coffee refill. I always say yes, of course. A few times a week, she will stop by my office to chat. The entire time we’re chatting, she smiles nonstop.

In short, she’s nice. Almost too nice.

Naturally, I have come to the only logical conclusion one could make in such a situation:

Okay, folks. Leave a comment with your best punchline. Just keep it clean. My mom reads these.

10/16 Update: Thanks guys. Keep ‘em comin’.