I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
My long weekend was amazing. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, born again, alive and any other cool word you want to throw into the mix. However, I am a tad sleep deprived. My weekend required me to share a room with a few individuals who snore.
Loudly.
All night long.
Sometime around four o’clock in the morning Friday, after I had been lying awake in bed for several hours due to snoring I swear could break the sound barrier, I mentally jotted down in my head a quality that I need to look for in a wife: she needs to be a non-snorer.
I am not a full-fledged insomniac, but sometimes I might as well be. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I have a three minute window to fall back asleep. If I need to go to the restroom, I have three minutes to do my business, get back to bed, close my eyes and fall asleep. Otherwise, I stay awake.
For the rest of the night.
No matter how tired I am.
As a single guy, this isn’t a problem. I’m alone. There’s nothing and no one around to disturb my slumber. But of course, whenever I get married, this will no longer be the case. With this in mind, I know there is a wife-quality checklist I need to stick to if I ever want to get a good night’s sleep once I’m married.
Here’s what I have so far:
1. Does not snore. And if she does snore, it needs to be at a volume that can be easily muffled by ear plugs or duct tape.
2. No night terrors. If she randomly screams in her sleep, we’re unlikely to be a very good match. Unless she’s screaming because a burglar is breaking into the house, of course. But you know, even then…
3. Doesn’t wet the bed. I once had a cat that urinated on my feet when I was asleep. That cat quickly became an “outside cat.” Although I would be perfectly comfortable with the arrangement, I doubt my wife would appreciate the same treatment after an accident. Best to avoid this possibility at all costs.
4. No Jimmy legs. If she kicks her feet while sleeping, it’s a deal breaker. I don’t kick you when we’re awake, you don’t kick me when we’re asleep. That’s the deal.
5. Not possessed by a demon. I’ve never met one, but I imagine demons to be pretty loud. Also, I bet demons eat cookies in bed.
Have I missed anything, guys and gals? What else should be added to my “sleep” list?
;-) 10.16.07 at 1:05 pm:
I don’t know why, but I’m still laughing after having read “Jimmy legs.” It just looks so funny in print…. she’s got the jimmy legs!
;-) 10.16.07 at 2:59 pm:
I have never heard of Jimmy legs.
;-) 10.16.07 at 3:47 pm:
@Kathy: I can’t remember ever seeing “Jimmy legs” in print before either. Hey, if it gets this big of a laugh from everyone, maybe I should rename my site that…
@Erin: Really? It’s a Seinfeld reference. “Kramer” dated some girl who had “the Jimmy legs.” That’s how he described her kicking in her sleep. Yes, Kramer was a heathen.
;-) 10.16.07 at 4:31 pm:
Don’t get an obsessive snuggler. It will seem like a good thing at the time but women tend to put out more heat than a super nova and if you sleep hot you’ll feel like an overdone rump roast by morning. Now you could purchase a round bed and then just keep rolling over a little bit all through the night. I’m guessing you’ll get seven or eight laps per night and they have an ancilliary calorie burning benefit during the process…
;-) 10.16.07 at 5:27 pm:
Kev — I was so caught up with the jimmy legs that I forgot to give advice.
1. She can’t grind her teeth. I do this and am repeatedly admonished for it. Grinding is as bad as snoring, I’m told.
2. She can’t want six blankets in the winter. You’ll have trouble getting out of bed by morning. Buy one thick one and say “This is it. Take it or leave it.”
3. She can’t want those pretty little useless pillows all over the bed either. Decorative pillows are for the living room only. Period.
Good luck with your checklist. I hope somebody meets all the criteria!
;-) 10.16.07 at 8:03 pm:
you don’t want a sleep walker either.
;-) 10.16.07 at 8:35 pm:
Doesn’t wake up every half hour to go to the bathroom.
;-) 10.17.07 at 4:38 am:
Hm, I’m not the one for you. I fit in all 5 categories…
;-) 10.17.07 at 1:28 pm:
I don’t know. I think you had a pretty good thing with that girl in MN……you guys could’ve had seperate dwellings, in completely seperate states, thus you’d have seperate sleeping quarters & there would be no way her demonic possessed cuddling tendancies would ever get to you.
PS…Apple piddled on me while I sleeping the other night. That has got to be the worst feeling in the world. So if you’re wondering if she’s being good, the answer would be a big fat NO!!!!
;-) 10.18.07 at 3:23 pm:
Hey, restless leg syndrome is a real problem. A funny problem, but still, it’s real.
;-) 10.18.07 at 7:35 pm:
Add to your list “someone who isn’t a closeted religious fanatic”. Hooking up with a scientologist would just be strange — and not in a good way.
;-) 8.29.08 at 11:53 am:
[...] I’ve discussed before, the fact I am a borderline insomniac worries me because there is a real possibility my future wife [...]
;-) 11.19.08 at 4:10 pm:
[...] example, last year I added “does not snore” to the list after I found myself in a cabin unable to sleep due to numerous loud snorers. When I [...]