Look, I’m not a high-maintenance person. Really, I’m not.

There are just certain…expectations I have in my day-to-day life. For example, if I’m at a restaurant, thirty minutes shouldn’t go by between the time I ask the waitress for my bill and her actually bringing it to me. That’s perfectly reasonable, right?

And if I’m at the grocery store, it’s reasonable for me to expect not see unsupervised children running and screaming down the aisles as they knock over food, right?

And if a movie called Beautiful Girls comes on TV, it’s reasonable for me to expect Rosie O’Donnell not to be in it, right? Right?

So why is it unreasonable for me to expect one of my co-workers to drop what they are doing and go buy some more French Vanilla coffee creamer for the break room?!

I am sure there are coffee purists out there who are steadfast in their belief that coffee should only be drunk black with no creamer, sugar or sugar substitute.

I am not one of those purists.

Coffee is not coffee without two essential items: a giant handful of Splenda and French Vanilla coffee creamer – the liquid kind, not that crappy powder stuff.

Coffee without either of these two items is unacceptable, and my employers are aware of this fact. How do they know?

For one, I remind them of it daily. “I think we’re getting low on Splenda,” I’ll tell them. “When is the backup case of French Vanilla creamer due to arrive,” I’ll ask at least once a week. (I go through a lot of coffee creamer)

Two, I had it written into my contract during the last performance review that the break room must be stocked with Splenda and French Vanilla coffee creamer at all times. Failure to do so would result in a $1,000,000 fine, three boxes of Splenda, two large bottles of coffee creamer and 28 grape jelly beans. (I am an excellent negotiator)

“There is no more French Vanilla coffee creamer in the entire Southeast of the United States,” they tell me. “You’ve used it all.”

Excuses.

I wasn’t a geography major, but I do know there are other areas of the United States besides the Southeast. Have they tried up North? West? You can’t tell me there isn’t French Vanilla coffee creamer in Seattle. Make a call and get some down here.

If I was a diabetic or had some kind of foot fungus or something, and the break room ran out of my medicine, wouldn’t someone go out and get me some more? No matter what it took?

Call me crazy, but I fail to see how this coffee creamer issue is any different.