All Work & No French Vanilla Coffee Creamer Make Kevin Go Crazy

Look, I’m not a high-maintenance person. Really, I’m not.

There are just certain…expectations I have in my day-to-day life. For example, if I’m at a restaurant, thirty minutes shouldn’t go by between the time I ask the waitress for my bill and her actually bringing it to me. That’s perfectly reasonable, right?

And if I’m at the grocery store, it’s reasonable for me to expect not see unsupervised children running and screaming down the aisles as they knock over food, right?

And if a movie called Beautiful Girls comes on TV, it’s reasonable for me to expect Rosie O’Donnell not to be in it, right? Right?

So why is it unreasonable for me to expect one of my co-workers to drop what they are doing and go buy some more French Vanilla coffee creamer for the break room?!

I am sure there are coffee purists out there who are steadfast in their belief that coffee should only be drunk black with no creamer, sugar or sugar substitute.

I am not one of those purists.

Coffee is not coffee without two essential items: a giant handful of Splenda and French Vanilla coffee creamer – the liquid kind, not that crappy powder stuff.

Coffee without either of these two items is unacceptable, and my employers are aware of this fact. How do they know?

For one, I remind them of it daily. “I think we’re getting low on Splenda,” I’ll tell them. “When is the backup case of French Vanilla creamer due to arrive,” I’ll ask at least once a week. (I go through a lot of coffee creamer)

Two, I had it written into my contract during the last performance review that the break room must be stocked with Splenda and French Vanilla coffee creamer at all times. Failure to do so would result in a $1,000,000 fine, three boxes of Splenda, two large bottles of coffee creamer and 28 grape jelly beans. (I am an excellent negotiator)

“There is no more French Vanilla coffee creamer in the entire Southeast of the United States,” they tell me. “You’ve used it all.”


I wasn’t a geography major, but I do know there are other areas of the United States besides the Southeast. Have they tried up North? West? You can’t tell me there isn’t French Vanilla coffee creamer in Seattle. Make a call and get some down here.

If I was a diabetic or had some kind of foot fungus or something, and the break room ran out of my medicine, wouldn’t someone go out and get me some more? No matter what it took?

Call me crazy, but I fail to see how this coffee creamer issue is any different.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

11 thoughts on “All Work & No French Vanilla Coffee Creamer Make Kevin Go Crazy

  1. Josh, I do the hot chocolate mix thing too! Thought I was the only one. In the absence of mix, I often have to add water because I frequently overdo it with the grounds. My coffee comes out pitch black. I guess that’s why nobody at work wants me to make it.

  2. I used to drink creamer in my coffee. Then, I had a cup of good coffee without creamer and repented of my ways. I concluded that creamer exits because people are too easily pleased.

  3. If you get a bonus, you should get it in French Vanilla Creamer and Splenda …

    So a bonus of $10,000 would be the equivilent to say, 10,000 creamers and 50,000 Splenda packets, and you’d be sorted!

    But then again, maybe the cash would be better?

  4. I had French vanilla creamer (the liquid kind, not the crappy powder stuff) the other day in my coffee. And I live in Alabama, which I do believe qualifies as being within the Southeast of the United States. They’re clearly a bunch of dirty rotten liars.

  5. I whole heartedly agree, except I’m all about the hazelnut. And none of that gross slimy International Delight crap either. BTW, it makes EXCELLENT french toast. One egg, a splash of coffeemate, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and thick white slices of bread fried up in melted butter.

  6. Ooh, I’m all over Marie’s French toast recipe. I don’t really like coffee that much so I can’t relate. *takes drink of yummy coffee shop coffee (not Starbucks) with real, unflavored cream* But occasionally I have to have it.

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