How to Launch an Effective Strike
by kev on October 26, 2007 

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The strike is over. After one week of living - if you can call it “living” - without French Vanilla Coffee Creamer in the break room at work, my employers have finally decided to cave in and replenish the cupboards. Oh, did I not mention I had gone on strike over this? My bad.

While cruel in nature, my tactics while on strike obviously worked. The vanilla-coffee goodness I am sipping as I type this is proof they worked. And because I am a giver, I will now share with all of you the techniques I used so that you may duplicate them the next time you go on strike.

Please, people. Use extreme caution with what I am about to share with you:

Technique #1: Take Away Things They Enjoy

I switched from my usual Axe Body Wash to regular, scentless Ivory bar soap. Just like they took away the pleasant aroma that is my morning cup(s) of coffee, I took away the morning scent they most enjoy - me.

When walking around the building, I stopped my usual routine of singing Celine Dion songs. Instead, I only hummed them.

Technique #2: Take Away Their Innocence

Did you know that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren’t real? So now do all 137 of my co-workers, thanks to an “anonymous” e-mail sent out to everyone.

(If you didn’t already know that, I sincerely apologize. Hey, I was just kidding. K, buddy?)

Technique #3: Use Psychological Warfare

Whenever someone asked me if they could borrow a pen or pencil, I told them I didn’t have one. But I really did.

Just as my college roommate did to me many years ago, I ate the same thing for lunch every day. The constant smell of Raisin Bran cereal for an entire week undoubtedly drove them all insane.

Technique #4: Be Pure Evil

When asked by my boss to recommend a good movie to rent this weekend I suggested, “anything with John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and a talking baby in it.”

More to Come

This list will grow as I remember more and more of the awful things I did. Right now, I can’t remember them all. After a week of being coffee deprived, my brain isn’t functioning at optimal level. In other words, I is stupid.

Do you have any techniques that I could have used? If so, leave a comment and share them. The men’s room is getting dangerously low on vanilla air freshener, so I might have to strike again pretty soon.