I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
I have noticed something that highly concerns me. When I was younger, I would play tackle football in my bluejeans. I would climb trees in my bluejeans. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood, occasionally falling down in the process, in my bluejeans. I did all of this, and my bluejeans would rarely – if EVER – get holes in them.
Today, I wear my bluejeans as I drive to work, as I sit at my desk, and as I sit on my couch to watch TV. And somehow, my bluejeans become riddled with holes after only a couple of months.
So why the change?
Am I harder today on my jeans than I was as a kid? Or are jeans today just not made like they used to be?
A cynic would immediately assume it’s the latter: the makers of bluejeans have started cutting corners to reduce their costs and increase profits. I am usually a cynic, but I don’t want to be one any more. I want to be upbeat and positive.
With that in mind, I’ve decided to point all blame at yours truly. I must be doing something wrong.
Maybe I need to ease up a little when I sit down at my desk at work. And when I get up from my desk to go get one of my dozen cups of morning coffee, maybe I should move a tad slower.
When I put my hands in my pockets, I should be careful not to be too forceful. And when I put my bluejeans on in the morning, maybe I should do it one leg at a time just like the expression says I should.
And maybe, just maybe, I should stop doing yoga in my jeans during lunch at work.
I hope these changes work because I am currently down to only two pairs of jeans.
One has a slowly-growing hole approximately twice the size of my thumbnail in the middle of the right-thigh area. It also recently added a 8-inch tear in the right-calf area after getting hooked on a nail.
The other pair, my “good” pair, has a slowly growing hole in the – I guess there’s no other word for it – crotch area.
I think I can get another six or seven months out of these two, but after that I’m afraid that I’ll be forced to go shopping… at the mall.
Lord help me.
;-) 11.11.07 at 10:01 pm:
Maybe you should switch to only wearing jogging pants. Or better yet, those elastic waste linen sort of pants like MacGyver wears all the time (and Napoleon Dynamite).
Next week’s fashion suggestion: slap bracelets.
;-) 11.11.07 at 11:17 pm:
Ah yes, cheap jeans are one of the most important problems facing our country. .I know what you mean but it’s really a ploy by the manufacturers so us lazy Americans don’t have to ever make our jeans look worn, they come that way from the factories in Honduras.
;-) 11.12.07 at 1:05 pm:
You can parachute pants pretty cheap these days. Great for work, very roomy!
;-) 11.12.07 at 5:05 pm:
I vote for the parachute pants idea! We could call you “K.C. Hammer.” Or “Kev.C. Hammer.” Or… something.
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RYC: I can move “it.” My toe is definitely not broken, something that I figured out not too long after the fact. I just overreact sometimes. And am also a whiner.
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Yeah, makes sense. Public libraries are funded by the government. Taxes, funds, donations, etc, etc. I probably would have eventually deduced this on my own had I not been distracted from my thought process by THE ROAD DISAPPEARING. I’m attempting a trip to the library yet again this week. Will keep you all updated.
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Nope, wrong. The correct answer is “McDonald’s and then the grocery store.” I think the milk is still in there, actually. And by the way… I would never accidentally drink spoiled milk. Mostly because I would never drink milk, period. It makes me gag. I’m really not sure why I ever bought it in the first place.
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Yep, I DO want to ruin your mental image. So sorry.
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Now here’s where YOUR theory doesn’t hold up: I’m part of your audience. And I don’t hate baseball. Matter of fact, I like baseball a lot. Not enough to actually follow it, but I enjoy going to games. So… there.
;-) 11.13.07 at 4:54 am:
Love humor.
Sadly, I, too, only have two pairs of jeans. Another of mine somehow ripped down the seam of my pocket, which I didn’t even notice, so I was walking around in public with a gaping hole in my butt.
I think they do cut corners. People don’t put in a good hard days work like they used to.
Not that I would know. I grew up in the times when it was cool to wrap sweatshirts around your waist and wear hats backwards.
I remember I used to have this pink fanny pack…
;-) 11.13.07 at 6:17 pm:
Boy oh boy. Watch out for that hole on the back of your right thigh. *wrings hands with concern* I know the embarrassment that can come from a hole in that location. You know what’s fun, though? Ripping a pair of unusable jeans into shreds. The sound is great! Completely different from the sound of the hole at the back of your right thigh ripping while the jeans are on your body.
;-) 11.13.07 at 7:02 pm:
I too feel your plight. However, I have a solution that will allow you to keep all of your jeans. Together we can solve this problem.
;-) 11.15.07 at 12:29 am:
@Josh: I’m not sure I could pull off either of those looks (pssst…we both know that’s a lie…I can pull off any look, but I had to say that to fain modesty).
@Sornie: Yet another drawback to Americans being lazy…
@VE: Maybe for Casual Fridays. And Easter Sundays…
@Allison: Can I be called Kev.C. Hammer even if I DON’T get the parachute pants??
@greeneyes: That’s embarrassing. And what’s worse is everyone these days has a camera phone. There could be photos of you and your jeans all over the Internet!
@Erin: I knew you of all people would have sympathy for my plight. Thank you. Now, isn’t it time for a Xanga update??
@Doug: That is insane. And very funny.
;-) 11.19.07 at 12:29 pm:
If I were elected president, I would pull our troops out of Iraq and bring them home to focus their full attention on this domestic crisis. I’m thinking… “Operation Hole Patch.”