I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Over the weekend, the topic of “Christmas presents” came up in conversation amongst members of my family. Eventually, my sister asked me what I was going to get her this year.
My sister knows that I am frugal and that I put lots of thought into gifts. She also knows that I like to get gifts the person will get lots of use out of and/or will last the person a long, long time. That is why I did not understand her disappointment when I told her the following:
“I’m going to get you a cardboard box.”
“Why are you getting me a cardboard box,” my sister asked me.
“Because it’s the ultimate multi-tasker,” I responded.
She was not amused. “I’m serious,” I told her.
For the next twenty minutes, I attempted to convince my sister what an awesome gift and multi-tasker a cardboard box could be:
1. You could keep smaller boxes inside it.
2. If you ever became homeless, you could live inside it.
3. If someone stole your ottoman, you could use it as a foot stool.
4. If you had a fish but no fish tank, you could turn it into an aquarium by filling it with water.
5. If you ever killed a hobo, you could hide its body inside the box.
6. If you played a game of hide and seek with your roommate, you could hide inside the box.
7. If you ever killed your roommate after losing a game of hide and seek, you could hide her body inside the box.
8. If you ever felt lonely, you could draw a smiley face on the box and talk to it.
9. You could put your hopes and dreams inside it.
10. If I ever became homeless, you could let me live inside it.
11. If I ever killed a hobo, you could let me borrow the box.
12. Since you’re not allowed to have hot plates in your dorm, you could set the box on fire to cook your food.
13. You could fill it with candy and use it as a pinata.
14. If you don’t have a costume for Halloween, you could wear the box.
15. If you lose your hat, you could wear the box.
16. If you lost one of your shoes, you could wear the box.
17. It could be a conversation piece (“This was a Christmas gift from my awesome brother”).
18. Did I mention the hobo thing?
19. You could use it to store things.
20. You could re-gift it.
For the record: Yes, this conversation actually took place.
I am simultaneously proud and ashamed.
Have some more uses for the cardboard box (i.e. the world’s ultimate multi-tasker)? Leave a comment! I know my sister would love to hear more ideas.
;-) 11.13.07 at 2:11 pm:
If she runs out of paper in school, she could dissolve it in water, then iron it out flat and thin and make her own paper to use to take notes in class.
;-) 11.13.07 at 6:22 pm:
She could use it as a kitty litter box.
She could use it to trap vermin.
She could cut it up and make Christmas decorations. Or decorations for Thanksgiving, Halloween, Easter, St. Patrick’s day…
It would make a great table, too.
;-) 11.13.07 at 8:18 pm:
I don’t know, Kev. There’s quite a bit of killing going on. You know how you see lawyers and their posses carrying boxes into the courthouse for a trial? Maybe she’ll need it for that. You’d have to remove all the dead bodies, but you could still use it. There you go — multi-tasker.
;-) 11.13.07 at 8:18 pm:
She could draw a target on it and use it for crossbow practice.
She could make a robot halloween costume out of it.
She could take it as a carry-on on her next plane flight just to annoy people.
three words: christmas tree stand.
;-) 11.13.07 at 11:42 pm:
I find today’s Hoboes, with their soup kitchens and fancy handouts are simply too, ummmm – reubenesque (Hoboes have feeling too) for a standard cardboard box. That being said, the one in my cellar comfortably stores fourteen bindles. Just a tip.
;-) 11.14.07 at 12:44 pm:
You have no idea how happy I would be with a cardboard box:
1. You could use it for moving
2. You could use it as the ultimate weapon in a pillow fight
3. You could use it on a bad hair day
4. You could use it to randomly chuck over things that should be hidden
I love your idea as a pinniata – but with a smiley face on it. Then you could pretend that its you’re number one enemy, and when it explodes with candy, you’ll be happy to know that at least something good became of that person!
;-) 11.14.07 at 11:32 pm:
She could cut a large hole in it and use it as a stage for a puppet show
Or attach a string and use it as a (rather large) purse
That’s all I got
RYC: Posting a comment as sevencagedtigers, eh? Sneaky, sneaky! Honestly, I’m really not sure why I bought the milk in the first place. I guess I must have felt as though it was one of those food staples that you should always have around. To spoil. In your refrigerator. Not to be removed for months and months. And actually, that headlamp wasn’t even mine, so I really COULD use a new one. You know… for the next time I feel the urge to eat dinner on an ironing board.
;-) 11.15.07 at 12:42 am:
@Frogster: I like it. It’s very frugal. I’m all about the frugal.
@Erin: A litter box! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one. But seriously, when are you updating your Xanga? Unless I want to leave a second comment on your current latest post, I have to twiddle my thumbs waiting for you to write a new post before I can leave you another comment. It’s madness, I tell ya.
@Kathy: Yeah, I know. My list is a bit heavy on the killing. But if it makes you feel any better, the original version had more murder references. I scaled back.
@Josh: Carry-on for a flight. Brilliant. She could put loads of stuff in it, and if the plan crashed the box could be used as a flotation device. Super brilliant.
@Canucklehead: That’s funny… and disturbing.
@CC: Thank you. Good idea – everyone loves a smiling pinata. And would you really use a cardboard box in a pillow fight? That’s fighting pretty dirty.
@Allison: Given how difficult it usually is to find items in purses (or so I’ve heard), a cardboard box purse would be ideal. No hidden compartments, no nothing. This could revolutionize the pursing industry.
;-) 11.17.07 at 12:17 pm:
She could use it as her guest room or paint on a combination dial and a handle and keep all of her valuables in her safe. She could pack up all of her troubles in it and then dump it on somebody’s door step. Preferably someone who really deserved it. It would be a bit like Pandora’s box.