I have a list of “things.” Knowing useless pop culture trivia is one of my things. Being insanely bad with directions is one of my things. Being awesome is one of my things. The list goes on and on, and I think it’s about time I began documenting them.

One of the “things” I do that my family members just love involves my cat, Smokey. Basically, I like to give Smokey credit for inventing things and for being proficient in anything and everything. I call them Smokey-isms. You may call them gold nuggets of comedic magic.

What’s a Smokey-ism? Allow me to give you a few examples:

When my family gathered at my parents’ place one Saturday and watched the movie Happy Feet, the following was uttered by yours truly during various points in the film:

“Did you know that Smokey invented tap dancing?”

“Interesting side note, guys: Smokey invented animation.”

“If Smokey was in this movie, the penguins would worship him.”

While watching baseball games over the years, I have said the following:

“Smokey once hit a ball 600 feet.”

“Pitchers would be afraid to pitch Smokey inside because they know he would charge the mound and kill them.”

“Smokey can run from home to first base in 2/10 of a second.”

“Did you know that Smokey invented baseball?”

While watching The Food Channel over the years, I’ve said the following:

“If Smokey was on this show, they’d call it 29 Minute Meals.”

“Emeril (Lagasse) learned everything he knows from Smokey. Except how to be lame – he got that on his own.”

“If Smokey was an Iron Chef, no chef would ever challenge him. They’d be too scared.”

It should be noted that these Smokey-isms are usually uttered completely out of the blue. A family member might be relaying how he or she has sore feet, and after having a serious discussion on the topic for a few minutes I will throw in a: “Did you know that the ‘air’ in Nike Air was Smokey’s idea? True story.”

You might think (or wish) I am making this up, but I assure you it’s all true. Why do I do it? Am I crazy? Or is Smokey just that awesome?

I’ll let you be the judge. I’ll leave you with some more Smokey quotes over the years. As I make new ones, or as I remember old ones, I’ll add to the list:

“Smokey invented meowing.”

“Did you know Smokey was an original member of The Beatles?”

“Did you know that Smokey coined the phrase Black Friday?”

“Smokey invented anti-lock brakes.”

“Smokey invented the stock market.”

“Did you know that Smokey invented the printing press?”

“Did you know that Smokey invented umbrellas?”

“Do you want to know Smokey’s all-time greatest invention? The spork.”

“Did you know that ‘The Boston Tea Party’ was Smokey’s idea?”

(after someone talked about hunting) “Smokey doesn’t need a gun when he hunts. He either round-house kicks them in the head or stares at the deer until they fall dead from fear.”

I have written about Smokey in the past (see Prisoner of War, 50% Fur, 50% Awesome and Angel Cat). Go check ‘em out if you have a fever and the only prescription is more Smokey. By the way, for the record, I make Smokey-isms for comedic purposes only – I’m perfectly sane and I only say them because I know my family just loves them.

And yes, for those worrying about my safety, I only say these things around my family. I never say them in public and never over a microphone at the mall (at least not anymore).