How were all of your mornings? Good? That’s wonderful. How was my morning? Glad you asked.

My morning was spent fighting ants.

I am still, as I’m writing this, fighting ants. An ant just crawled across my keyboard. Another just crawled on my hand.

“Kevin, please tell us more about your interesting and exciting ant problem,” you ask?

I’ll be happy to.

The day started just like any other. I woke up, did some yoga, showered, got dressed, sat around being awesome for a while, and then headed for my car so I could drive to work.

When I opened my car door, what do I find? Ants. About thirty of them. Where did they come from? It doesn’t really matter, although my readers know I have a theory about their origins.

For the next five to ten minutes, I became an ant assassin. “Die ants, die” was my mantra. After the last one had bit the dust, I got into my car. Thanks to the ants, I was going to be late to work.

About five minutes into my drive, I notice an ant crawling on my hand. I went Dr. Kevorkian on its ant butt, and then returned my attention to the road. A few seconds later, I notice another ant on my hand.

“This isn’t good,” I thought to myself.

Clearly, there were more ants in my car than the original thirty. How much more was the question.

As I came to a stop at the next red light, I braced myself. I looked down to see how many ants I was dealing with. What I saw was approximately thirty ants crawling around on my torso.

Were these the ghosts of the thirty ants I killed only a few minutes earlier? There was only one way to find out. I grabbed one with my fingers, squeezed, and then inspected the damage. Yep, dead. Not a ghost.

Relieved that I wasn’t dealing with the supernatural, I attempted to brush all of the ants off of me. However, the light turned green before I could do an adequate job.

The rest of my commute was spent dividing my time between driving and glancing down at the ants. I am a safe driver who always keeps his eyes on the road (I have to in order to avoid all of the maniac drivers), but the ants were distracting me. “That guy who got into an auto accident because he was covered in ants” was not want I wanted to be remembered for, so I did my best to ignore the ants until I arrived at work.

I don’t think anyone saw me, but anyone who did was treated to quite a show in my work’s parking lot. I got out of the car, took off my jacket, and then proceeded to shake it like I was trying to put out a fire with it. When I thought my jacket was ant free, I began feverishly brushing my shirt with my hands.

Once inside, I walk to my office – jacket in hand – and asked my officemate and boss (who was in my office at the time) the following:

“I realize this is an odd question, but do I have any ants on my back?”

Sure enough, I did.

As they picked ants off of me, I relayed my story to them. Over the next hour, every few minutes I would notice a new ant crawling on me.

I finally decided to go to the restroom – jacket in hand – and get rid of these ants once and for all.

I started with the jacket. I shook it like a British nanny. I worked it over something awful. When I was convinced it was ant free, I focused my attention on my shirt. I took the shirt off and then went to town on it. If I had been on a deserted island instead of a restroom, you’d have sworn I was trying to flag down a plane.

Satisfied that I was now – finally – ant free, I walked over to the break room to get a cup of coffee. As I walked back to my office, I could feel something tickling my face. It was another ant.

That was two hours ago. I am still, every twenty or so minutes, finding an ant on me. While writing this, I turned around to look at my jacket (on the back of my chair) and saw twenty ants crawling around.

It’s become obvious to me that I have angered nature in some way. It’s time for lunch and I need to make my daily trip to the bank, but I don’t want to get into my car again.

They’re in there.

Waiting for me.

If any of you have an ant eater, I would like to purchase it. I’m serious. I just found an ant crawling in my hair. I hate ants so very, very much.

And, to those Doubting Thomases out there: Yes, this was all completely, 100% true.