I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Over the weekend, my family got into a discussion about stupid team names in sports. “Who came up with the name Houston Texans,” someone asked. “Yeah, that’s like having a team named the Atlanta Georgians,” someone else responded (okay, it was me).
It was then that I theorized the name came about as a result of people wanting to be 100% politically correct. “Houston Texans” was a name that couldn’t possibly offend anyone.
What followed was twenty minutes of me running down every team name I could think of and theorizing how someone – anyone – could be offended by the name (no matter how silly). In other words, what followed was comedy magic.
Boston RedSox
“…could offend someone who once had an entire load of laundry ruined by one red sock.”
“…could offend someone who is color blind.”
“…could offend someone who is a member of the Crips.”
San Francisco 49ers
“…could offend anyone who wasn’t alive to witness the California Gold Rush of 1849.”
Minnesota Twins
“…could offend anyone who has an identical twin who turned out to be evil and tried to kill them.”
“…could offend anyone who had one of their Twix candy bars stolen as a child.”
“…could offend anyone who hates those Double Mint bubblegum commercials.”
Chicago Bears
“…could offend anyone who has been mauled to death by a bear.”
Baltimore Orioles
“…could offend anyone who had a relative die at the hands of an oriole.”
“…could offend anyone who likes baseball.”
Cleveland Browns
“…could offend anyone shot by an UPS employee.”
Chicago WhiteSox
“…could offend anyone mocked in college for wearing socks with sandals.”
Los Angeles Angels
“…could offend anyone who saw that stupid Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan movie.”
Baltimore Ravens
“…could offend anyone who married their 13-year-old cousin.”
Oakland Athletics
“…could offend anyone who failed P.E. in junior high.”
Tennessee Titans
“…could offend anyone belonging to the family of Zeus.”
“…could offend anyone who doesn’t ‘get’ references to Greek mythology (like the one above).”
Pittsburgh Pirates
“…could offend anyone who saw the disappointing sequels to Pirates of the Caribbean.”
“…could offend anyone wearing an eye patch.”
Los Angeles Dodgers
“…could offended anyone living – but not born – in Canada.
San Francisco Giants (and New York Giants)
“…could offend anyone tall.”
“…could offend anyone short.”
“…could offend anyone who used to live in a bean stalk.”
“…could offend anyone with green skin.”
Texas Rangers
“…could offend anyone who has been roundhouse kicked to the head.”
New York Knicks
“…could offend anyone who has cut themselves shaving.”
Los Angeles Clippers
“…could offend who flunked out of barber school.
Orlando Magic
“…could offend all Muggles.”
Chicago Bulls
“…could offend anyone slow of foot who has run with the bulls in Pamplona.”
Toronto Raptors
“…could offend family members of those who died on Jurasic Park.”
“…could offend Elmer Fudd.”
A shiny, fake nickel to anyone who “got” each and every reference above. Can anyone think of some more? They can be from any sport (even soccer).
;-) 12.4.07 at 10:19 am:
Philadelphia Phillies: could offend female horses.
;-) 12.4.07 at 3:55 pm:
Atlanta Braves…could offend all cowardly lions.
Detroit Lions…could be offensive to any Zebras.
;-) 12.4.07 at 7:10 pm:
Seattle Supersonics, could offend anyone who works at a mediocre drive up restaurant.
Colts…could offend aged horses
Packers…Could offend cows, who lost their families to meat packing plants
Royals….Could offend the Queen Mother who hates baseball
This is fun!
;-) 12.4.07 at 7:11 pm:
But oh my gosh! Great post…I was coughing from laughing so hard, and I started to see little stars and think I was going to pass out. Good work buddy!
;-) 12.5.07 at 12:35 am:
Dang it, I’ve been thinking about this all day (not really) and the best I could come up with was “Kansas City Royals: could offend anyone who is not of noble birth.” Lame, I know. Stacy’s was much better.
Tapered jeans with glasses, a “Phantom of the Opera” t-shirt, and a Switchfoot hat? Wow, I think we have another case of becoming more awesome despite your attempts to not be awesome.
Sky diving in Africa? Sign me up!
;-) 12.5.07 at 12:36 am:
P.S. I “got” all of the references but one. Do I still get a shiny, fake nickel?
;-) 12.5.07 at 10:40 am:
Yeah, sorry about that. I haven’t kept up with anyone’s site lately, and Tooting Bec reminded me you were here so I decided to swing on by. I need to just bookmark it because I laugh hysterically every time.
But maybe I should read it at home so I don’t offend my co-workers who apparently don’t know how to laugh, unless it’s some quippy side comment about Abraham Lincoln when they are listing the presidents in order for fun during their breaks….seriously!
;-) 12.5.07 at 2:19 pm:
Cincinnati Bengals;
Could offend anyone from Bengal, India
Could offend tigers who think of Bengal cousins as sissies
;-) 12.5.07 at 5:09 pm:
I updated days ago. You just have to access it through your xanga site. I’m still thinking of team names–I don’t know very many.
;-) 12.5.07 at 9:28 pm:
Seattle Sonics…could offend anyone who lives in Seattle. (yup!)
Seattle Mariners…could offend anyone who cannot swim.
U of Oklahoma Sooners…could offend anyone who is always running late.
Tampa Rays…could offend anyone allergic to the sun.
Running low on funny ones…
;-) 12.5.07 at 10:32 pm:
From my boyfriend:
Seattle Seahawks : Could offend anyone who is blind and cannot, in fact, see hawks.
rYc : Thanks. I don’t blog much on MySpace. See my first Xanga post re: why…
;-) 12.6.07 at 3:52 pm:
Phoenix Suns: could offend vampires.
Minnesota Vikings: could offend anyone who lost a family member in a viking raid.
I’m grasping here…
;-) 12.6.07 at 3:54 pm:
@Susan: Very true. It could also offend anyone who owns a female horse.
@Marie: The Braves could also offend anyone who uses a night light to go to sleep.
@Stacy: Lots of good ones. Except for the one that badmouthed baseball. That one wasn’t cool.
@Allison: I guess that one didn’t occur to me because I am of noble birth. Have I not mentioned that before?
@Chris: “Bengals” could also offend “gals” who used to be named “ben.”
@Erin: You can’t think of ONE? I was counting on you for a soccer name or two.
@Angi: The Sonics one is very good. Hey, at least you guys have Kevin Durant. You should be thankful. And your boyfriend’s “Seahawks” one might just be my favorite.
;-) 12.6.07 at 3:56 pm:
@Erin: The first vampire reference. Excellent. And you’re right about the Vikings one – I’ve lost more family members to viking raids than I care to remember.
;-) 12.15.07 at 12:56 pm:
The Oakland Athletics….
could offend any couch potato!
;-) 12.26.07 at 2:08 pm:
USC Trojans: Could offend anyone allergic to latex
UCLA Golden Bears: Could offend any Grizzly bears who had an unfortunate encounter with King Midas
UNC Tarheels: Could offend anyone who’s lost a nice pair of shoes to shoddy road work
Army Black Knights/Navy Seamen: Could offend any marines who are insulted by their very existance (Sorry…cheap shot)
(Sorry I clearly watch too many sports…)
;-) 4.2.08 at 2:50 pm:
hahahahhahahahaha everything we say is offending something
;-) 12.20.08 at 5:14 am:
Virginia Tech Hokies- Could offend anyone who resents the fact that there is no team called the Pokies, if that is in fact what it’s “all about”…
;-) 12.21.08 at 2:29 pm:
Some of those were really subtle…nicely done. Comedy magic indeed.
Orioles…could offend anyone who likes baseball. Priceless.
The Dodgers one about Canada was good too.