I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
My insanely controversial last post aside, readers of my site (“SKOS” as the kids like to call it) know that good, clean, dry humor is my calling card. Unless you are Amish, in which case I’m telling on you because you shouldn’t be on the Internet, nothing I have ever written is likely to have offended you. And that’s because my writing reflects my personality. “A nice guy you can take home to mom and dad” isn’t just a tattoo I have written on my forehead, it’s who I am.
I write all that to intro a local radio commercial I have heard three times in the past week. It’s a commercial unlike any I have ever seen or heard before. My writing about it could (potentially) offend some of you, so tread lightly.
(Note: I am paraphrasing and relying on memory)
Begin commercial
Did you know that men who pay child support pay an average of $250,000 in child support over the life of each child?
Did you also know that 30% of men who have a DNA test performed discover they aren’t really the father of the child?
That’s a quarter of a billion dollars for a child not even yours!
Now, you can have DNA tests performed at <name omitted> in <city omitted>, Georgia instead of traveling to Atlanta and paying expensive fees.
Know the truth before it costs you!
End commercial
The commercial airs on the local ESPN Radio station, a station that (obviously) caters mostly to guys.
I had two immediate reactions to hearing this commercial:
- It is (unintentionally) hilarious.
- It is incredibly, incredibly sad.
Now, I haven’t been living under a rock these past twenty-something years. I know what the world is like. But does anyone else find it the least bit troubling that “DNA testing to prove you don’t owe child support” is a big enough niche market to warrant advertising?
I seriously worry about what is next. Where does society and advertising go from here? As you might expect, I have some ideas:
Idea #1
Have you committed a violent crime? Were you arrested? Was your case thrown out of court on a technicality?
If you answered “YES” to all three questions, it’s time to sue! Call our legal firm, Hell in a Hand Basket and Associates, today and we’ll get you the money our crazy, upside down legal system says you deserve.
Idea #2
Did you know that one study conducted in 1982 said that married men die 9 years earlier than men who are single?
Are you married? Do you want to live 9 years longer? Then it’s time to divorce that woman! Call 1-800-DIVORCE today and we’ll get you started on the path to a longer and significantly-less-happy life.
Idea #3
Moms and dads, don’t know what to get your teen or pre-teen for Christmas this year?
Come to J.C. Penny this Friday and Saturday for our annual miniskirt sale!
Sure it’s cold outside, but our prices are hot! Your daughter will be too once you’ve bought her the latest in our Christina Aguilera Collection. Hurry, or else your daughter will be a social outcast!
Lord help us all.
;-) 12.10.07 at 5:23 pm:
My co-worker hates me right now…I was laughing out loud. He, of course, asked what was so funny. Then I did that annoying thing where you try to tell someone what is so funny, but you can’t stop laughing, so you just end up annoying the person.
My favorite was the Divorce one
;-) 12.10.07 at 6:35 pm:
this post is funny but it’s also not funny b/c it’s so true.
Idea #4: Have you been fired for not doing your job? Were you sent up the river because your work was “below average”, “less-than-stellar”, or “plain crap”? Did your boss fire you because he couldn’t seem to understand that you felt whoozy if you worked more than 5 hours a day? Well it’s time to get back the money you have lost..and you deserve! Call Ripoff and Associates to find out more about sticking it to the Man who refuses to pay you. After all, you are entitled to an income right? Right!
;-) 12.10.07 at 6:51 pm:
You would think that would be a rather niche market…but then again that’s what Maury whats his name’s show is based on …. and that’s based on the commercials I see since I’ve never watched him.
Yep..funny but sad.
;-) 12.11.07 at 7:45 am:
Idea #5
Do you have over £100,000 in debt and are sick of credit agencies hassling you to make your payments? Feeling the squeeze on your monthly pay cheque? Why not wrap all your loans into one manageable, and affordable monthly loan of £200,000 all at a great variable rate of 59.5%?
;-) 12.11.07 at 10:33 am:
@Stacey: Since you’ve relayed that your co-workers like to list the U.S. Presidents in order for fun, they might not have enjoyed this post anyway. It’s funny in an obvious way, which probably isn’t their style…
@Josh: Excellent. I thought about writing a fake commercial along that idea, but when I tried it came out way, way too mean spirited so I dropped it. Yours was spot on.
@DrowseyMonkey: You’re thinking of Maury Povich. It is so, so, so sad that I knew that.
By the way, I must know the story behind your name. It’s great.
@CC: I think I’ve SEEN a commercial like that! Wasn’t Gary Coleman (the guy from the TV show Different Strokes) the spokesperson?
;-) 12.11.07 at 1:05 pm:
In canada, many women (we call these ones skanks) don’t know who the fathers are of their multiple children.
Why?
Because the more children you have, the more welfare the government gives you, and that makes WAY more money than the dead beat sleeze bags they sleep with would ever give them. Cuz any number is bigger than 0, right?
And we wonder why our tax free day is sometime in July. Sheesh!
;-) 12.12.07 at 12:38 am:
Wow. I would laugh if this wasn’t so very, very sad.
You know what else is very, very sad? The fact that you totally don’t believe my stuffed squirrel story. The experience of sitting under the tree in my front yard as a little girl, watching that magical stuffed squirrel eat an acorn was such an integral part of my life. It made me who I am today. If you can’t appreciate that, I just don’t know if we can be internet friends anymore! Ha.
;-) 12.13.07 at 11:27 am:
I’m pretty sure it’s been proven that married men actually live longer than single men…something about having someone to take care of them so they don’t die of malnutrition in dirty underwear. But married women do die sooner than single ones…something about less stress.
;-) 12.13.07 at 1:54 pm:
I read an article about how many people would discover…aberrations…in their family trees if they wanted to do DNA testing or something. However, no one has ever really known, because back in the good ol’ days everyone just stayed married, slept around, and raised each others’ babies.