I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
In the wake of my last post, where among other things I stated I was “a nice guy you can take home to mom and dad,” Paris Hilton has made news by giving the following quote to the press:
“Right now I’m single, but I am looking for a nice boy,” Hilton told reporters in Berlin on Wednesday. “He should be funny, smart and loyal.”
Needless to say, this revelation has terrified me.
I realize Paris Hilton was likely speaking about no one in particular. The odds of her having read my blog, seen the qualities she’s looking for in me, and made the above quote with me in mind are slim at best.
Then why am I so terribly, terribly afraid?
Why do I imagine her and I having the following conversation after she tracked down my address and knocked on my front door?
Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton. Are those tapered jeans?
Me: Yes?
Paris: That’s hot.
My head hurts just thinking about it.
I’m a big believer in hedging your bets. Even though I’m young, 20% of my retirement portfolio is in bonds. Even though I work in a safe neighborhood, I always keep my car doors locked. And even though I don’t believe in monsters, I check my closet and under my bed every night just in case.
Along those same lines, I’m going to hedge my bets with Paris Hilton. If she is looking for a nice guy who is funny, smart and loyal, my only recourse is to stop being nice, funny, smart and loyal.
From now on, I am only going to leave my waitress a 12.5% tip. And that’s even if I receive excellent service! I will only hold doors open for people over the age of 60 or who are in wheel chairs. No one else! I will say “please” and “thank you” no more than fifty times in a day. Not once more! And if I’m saving a little old lady from a house fire, I will only go back inside to save her dogs and cats. No plants or goldfish!
“But Kevin, how can you stop being who you are,” many of you are likely shouting at your monitors.
Hear me well. As of today, a new Kevin is born. A new Kevin who, for lack of a better phrase, is pure evil.
Hear that, Paris? No nice guy here.
Move it along.
Please?
;-) 12.12.07 at 7:22 pm:
Umm… Kevin, dood.
By comparison to Paris, everyone is smart and funny.
Can I come to the wedding? Will there be gift bags with toy dogs? That’s hot.
;-) 12.13.07 at 12:29 am:
Do you have a boxspring mattress? Because Paris could be grabbing on to the underside and holding herself up so you wouldn’t notice her when you did your monster check.
There should be a reality show where they take someone like you and someone like Paris and just have the two of you talk over coffee. The one who cries uncle first would have to spend a week following the other’s routine. I don’t know who would find that more unbearable, you or her.
;-) 12.13.07 at 11:22 am:
It’s like when Spiderman starts to go evil in the last movie. I feel intimidated and turned on at the same time!
;-) 12.13.07 at 2:02 pm:
You’re toast.
However, the frogster has an excellent, excellent question about the box springs–checking there might be your saving grace.
;-) 12.14.07 at 4:55 pm:
The question is, would a “nice boy” actually go out with Paris Hilton?
RYC: Thanks! The fire hydrant snowman was mine. Would you really buy one? Hmm, perhaps I should look into the fire hydrant snowman cookie-making business…
;-) 12.15.07 at 12:51 pm:
I was shocked after seeing your comment from sevencagedtigers. Admit it. You miss Xanga like a fat kid misses candy. I was just reading a few of your old posts & saw the photo album with the poem you wrote me (with a fat kid reference in it). Reading it made me miss you & Georgia. But then I remembered flea bites & loud birds & I didn’t miss you as much. I still missed you a little…but just not as much. Haha. RYC: I am not sure I told you the story about Mr. Johnson. I told you a lot of stories…just not so sure about that one. Unfortunately, he was just one of many teachers I need to make ammends with. I was a bit of a sassy girl my senior year of high school. I am still sassy…just a smarter sassy.
To everyone else who reads Kevin’s blogs: He has a birthday coming up…and not just any birthday. He’s turning [ SKOS Editor: age omitted to protect the innocent (i.e. me) ] on December xx. He likes Keanu Reeves bobble heads, Hello Kitty puzzles, posters of naked babies playing insturments, & non-tapered jeans.
;-) 12.15.07 at 12:55 pm:
I agree with Lauren, I think you miss Xanga.
Come back to the dark side…
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it…you guys can feel free to comment whenever, regardless of whether you have anything “helpful” to say. But I do appreciate the prayers, very much.
So thanks…
;-) 12.15.07 at 1:58 pm:
Come to my page if ya’ll want to know how old Kevin (ie: the SKOS editor) will be in a few days.
;-) 12.15.07 at 3:18 pm:
She’s lying, folks. I’m much too youthful and awesome to be turning that age.
;-) 12.15.07 at 8:07 pm:
I would totally make a play for Paris but after we’re married, sans pre-nup, she’d find out what I was in the relationship for and before she could figure it out, I’d have my hobo-sack packed and be on the rails again!
;-) 12.16.07 at 9:37 pm:
All girls say they want a nice guy…but they all end up with the bad boys. I think you’re safe Kev. And probably in for a long life of lonlines. Feel better now?
;-) 12.17.07 at 7:48 pm:
Happy Birthday! Or Belated Birthday?
;-) 12.17.07 at 10:57 pm:
I don’t know about you, kev, but I just turned p29*. It’s a great age to be…forever.
I agree, with a bonehead like Paris on the hunt for a nice guy I wouldn’t take any chances.
As for returning to Xanga. Just remember: before there was MySpace…there was Xanga. Think about it.
*perpetually twenty-nine
;-) 12.18.07 at 12:37 am:
Wow, someone’s OLD! Or is soon to be OLD! Happy Birthday, sometime… possibly belatedly… whenever. Oh, and I have decided to steal Josh’s idea, and remain p25, or perpetually 25. It’s a good age to be. I don’t like the way anything above that sounds.
Every single person in the entire world is a Billy Joel fan. Are you trying to tell me that you’re not a person?
Yep, I am all done with the old xanga entries; now it’s time for SKOS! Wahoo! Watch out!
;-) 12.18.07 at 2:05 pm:
All you have to do is go around saying ‘That’s Hot’ to wane the attraction.
Little old lady blowing her nose on the street? That’s Hot.
Little kid picking his nose in front of you at the supermarket? That’s Hot.
You get the picture…
;-) 12.19.07 at 8:44 am:
No, not really. Spiderman does nothing for me