Run For Your Lives
by theycallmetim on December 13, 2007 

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Lately, I’ve been kind of trying to get back into my old healthy habits like drinking more water and eating 6 smaller meals spread across the day. Well, with drinking almost a gallon of water a day you have to expel that much more fluid, so I’m spending a lot more time in the bathroom, and it would appear to the uninformed observer that I have the bladder control of a pregnant lady or of an 80 year old man.

Anyways, it got busy at work and I went longer than normal without going to the bathroom, so I really had to go. I broke away from work, and made a bee line for the closest bathroom. There were a few guys in there, but I didn’t make eye contact with any of them, because I didn’t want to tempt them into breaking the first rule: no speaking in the bathroom.

I made it to the urinal just in time - I mean I was about to burst, and then I would have to break the first rule myself in order to apologize to all the guys in the bathroom, because it would probably just be good manners to apologize to somebody you accidentally got urine on.

Anyways, I was at the urinal practically in ecstasy from the relief of pressure that had built up from all the water I had drank, when I heard it. At first, I was frightened. It sounded like the roar of a horrible beast come to devour me. I stood befuddled for a moment looking around and actually caught the eyes of some of the other guys in the bathroom, who had the same look of confusion.

Then, breaking the bewildered silence, the horrible beast made another horrible roar, but this time it sounded like it was in pain - almost like it had gotten hit in the junk with a sledgehammer. However, with the second iteration of the sound, it became a little more familiar to my ears, and I recognized the source. It was not the rumblings of a horrible beast that had initially frightened me so, but it was the unpleasant serenade of a bathroom stall. However, it sounded a little muffled than usually, and I believe that was what initially threw us all off from a prompt identification the first time.

Then, the reason for the muffled tone became apparent. The men’s bathroom shares a wall with the woman’s bathroom. I came out of the men’s bathroom just in time to see the stream of women fleeing theirs - gasping for a breath of fresh air. It was truly the fart heard round the world (TFHRTW). Like how the intensity of thunder is an indication of the power behind the lightning that made it, I can only imagine the sheer concentrated evil in the form of a bowel movement that created TFHRTW, but I ran far, far away from that place - for I did not want to know.