I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
There’s an awful rumor making the rounds lately that needs to be taken behind a shed and whipped with a stick.
I am not turning 30. It is scientifically impossible. Any claim to the contrary is a slap in the face to science and all things truly awesome.
Facts are facts: I am too youthful to be turning 30. My face is virtually wrinkle free. Some will tell you this is simply a result of my having avoided the sun like the plague. To that I say: “Have you seen George Hamilton lately? The sun is out to get us all!”
Oh sure, the birth date on my driver’s license indicates I am about to turn 30. But that is obviously a typo. Or, more likely, it was a deliberate mistake made by a DMV worker jealous of my youthful glow.
And yes, my high school graduation was 11 years ago. In theory, if I graduated at 18, that puts me right near the age of 30. But you see, people, I was a prodigy – a modern-day Doogie Howser, if you will. In short, it’s my contention that I graduated high school around the age of 12 or 13.
And okay, there might be photos approximately one year old in circulation showing yours truly blowing out candles on a birthday cake that reads, “Happy 29th Birthday, Kevin.” But haven’t you people ever heard of Photoshop? Those photos are obviously doctored.
The issue at hand is why. Why is this rumor out there?
That’s the real question, isn’t it? Why? The how and the who is just scenery for the public. Keeps ‘em guessing like some kind of parlor game, prevents ‘em from asking the most important question, why? Why was the rumor of my turning 30 thrown out there? Who benefited? Who has the power to cover it up? Who?
Clearly, someone is threatened by my awesomeness. They fear what they do not understand. The lies about my age, the ant attacks, the threat of Paris Hilton, Keanu Reeves movie career – don’t you see, it’s all connected.
Someone or something out there wants me crazy.
Wait, is that a wrinkle…
;-) 12.18.07 at 4:40 pm:
My friend, I understand you’re pain. You see, I, myself, just turned 30. Like you, I felt a need to blog about it, and how old I am.
It helps the pain.
Let it out.
Use it. Use it. USE IT!
;-) 12.18.07 at 6:37 pm:
I’ve just decided to be p29 (perpetually twenty-nine).
So that’s how old I am..p29.
;-) 12.18.07 at 6:51 pm:
It was Paris Hilton. She read your last post, and is enacting revenge via slander.
;-) 12.19.07 at 8:43 am:
They say 50 is the new 30. Which means 30 is the new 10. Happy tenth birthday!!!!
;-) 12.19.07 at 3:16 pm:
RYC: It is literally impossible to be indifferent to Billy Joel and be a person at the same time. I am sorry. And no, this is not America, this is Billy Joelland. No non-people allowed. That means you. Get out. OUT, I tell you! And take all those illegal aliens with you!
(Kidding, I am kidding)(About the illegal aliens, not you. You should leave right now)
Hmm, how were your old xanga entries? I’d give them a…. 30!
;-) 12.19.07 at 5:25 pm:
She gave you a 30. 30, as in how old you will be turning the day after our Lord’s birth. That’s classic.
Your welcome on the “coolest ex boyfriend” award. Let’s just say you won that contest by a long shot.
My parents asked about you the other day. My response? “Kevin…who?”. They say hi. And my mom says she wants season 1 & 2 of Scrubs back since we aren’t together anymore. She plans to re-gift them to my sister’s boyfriend this year at Christmas. Only kidding…again. My sister doesn’t have a boyfriend. I am the one that wants them.
;-) 12.19.07 at 7:51 pm:
How does it feel to be understood by someone who doesn’t know the difference between you’re and your?
Okay, petty grammar issues aside, it’s okay to turn 30, especially if you look young. That just gives you one more edge over the competition – you’re old enough to actually claim to have “experience” but you look young enough that sheer competency still manages to amaze.
But you could be right. It could just be malicious rumors. I have to admit I just turned 31 today and maybe secretly I want to turn you to the dark side. Maybe misery loves company. Maybe I’m really Paris trying to out you. Maybe a lot of dark and sinister things…
Or maybe just Happy Birthday, no matter what the number!
;-) 12.19.07 at 8:16 pm:
ryc: You’re 18? Me too! So, like, did you already graduate from high school or do you graduate in, like, May or something? I’m like, really excited for college next year. I think I might join a…what are they called? A fraternity for girls?
All right, I’m being mean and stereotypical now.
;-) 12.21.07 at 11:40 pm:
Happy birthday, you spring chicken. Here’s the one that gets me. I still think of “Panama” as one of the newer Van Halen tunes, because they weren’t the same with Hagar. And “Panama” is now 23 years old. Ouch.