Probably because it sounds so much like “recess,” the word “recession” doesn’t scare me. Whenever I hear someone say the word I begin daydreaming about being a kid again, climbing monkey bars on a playground and “accidentally” knocking the other kids down. Good times, good times.

Of course, a few seconds – okay, minutes – later I wake up and realize they weren’t talking about wacky playground adventures. They were talking about the sinkhole that is the current state of the economy.

Granted, the United States was probably due for another recession. We haven’t had one since 2001-2002. But I have to think the greedy, idiotic, insanely stupid, good for nothing, mush for brains responsible for the whole subprime mortgage mess (both the lenders and the borrowers) played a big hand in getting the ol’ recession ball rolling.

Thanks, guys. Thanks a bunch. I hope karma (or Chuck Norris) gives you all a swift kick to the butt while wearing steel-toe boots.

The Bright Side

Of course, a recession isn’t the end of the world. Granted, if you’re trying to sell your home you might have some trouble. And yes, if you’re looking to buy a home you might have difficulty – depending on your credit score – getting a good mortgage. And true, getting a loan of any type might be difficult. And okay, inflation is going to continue to eat away at the dollar’s value to the point where everything at the 99 Cent Store might cost several dollars.

Where was I going with this…

Oh, the upside.

Here are 5 silver linings, as I see them, to the economy going into a recession:

5. Lots of great deals on eBay. Because people might be strapped for cash, rare items not usually put up for sale could be made available. Bummed that you lost out on William Shatner’s toupee a few years back? Don’t worry, the owner could be putting it up for auction very soon. A recession is a Sci-Fi geek’s best – and likely only – friend.

4. The media might talk about something other than Britney Spears for a change. We can hope.

3. Atlanta Falcons hire a head coach. Due to fears a recession could impact the job market, the Falcons should be able to finally find someone crazy and desperate enough to fill their coaching position.

2. A new Michael Moore documentary. A recession increases the chances that the rotund film maker will make a documentary about the U.S. economy, which increases the chances that he’ll knock on my door to interview me, which increases the chances that I will get the opportunity to throat punch Michael Moore.

1. The iPhone will finally come down in price.

Help me out, people. What are some other possible advantages to a recession?

Humor-blogs is willing to coach the Falcons.

You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers – some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs – leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home.

So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblings to have a child, or get married for that matter (I can hear my mom weeping for me as I write this). Needless to say, this has thrown off my and the rest of my family’s schedule. We all just can’t get enough of that new baby smell.

While holding my new nephew for the first time yesterday, some deep thoughts popped into my head. Thoughts on what will happen when I eventually have children of my own (calm down, mom…I’m just thinking out loud). In no particular order, here are my thoughts from yesterday.

I better sleep all I can now, because once I have a kid it will be 20+ years before I can sleep again. As my regular readers know, I am a borderline insomniac. If I am woken up at night, I have a very small window to fall back asleep. If I miss the window, I’m up for the rest of the night. Rumor has it that children wake up in the middle of the night a lot. This isn’t good.

My arm is tired. When holding a sleeping baby, you have to keep perfectly still. After five minutes of this, my arm begins to go numb. This is problematic for a number of reasons. For starters, it hurts. Secondly, a numb arm is more likely to drop a baby than an arm at full strength. I’m not certain, but I don’t think my brother or his wife will invite me back to their house if I drop their baby. Note to self: when holding your own baby someday, always be seated down.

When in doubt, ask yourself the following: what would Britney Spears do? Since she is obviously insane, simply asking myself what Britney Spears would do in a parenting situation – and then doing the exact opposite – is a surefire winning strategy. In fact, this strategy can be utilized in all walks of life:

Do I want to get a regular haircut, or do I want to shave my entire head?

Should I put my clothes back on after trying on new ones in a store’s changing room, or should I wander around the store naked?

Should I be careful to avoid the paparazzi when driving, or should I run them over with my car?

Do I befriend Paris Hilton, or do I jump off a building?

Diapers are expensive. Usually, I like to buy things during their off-season. The best time to buy a jacket is during the summer. The best time to buy swim trucks is during the winter. The best time to buy heart-shaped chocolate is February 15.

But with diapers, there is no off-season. Babies are constantly being born and constantly soiling themselves. And unlike baby clothes, you can’t exactly buy diapers from a second hand store.

I’m going to have to open a “Diaper Fund” savings account at ING. Wonderful.

My nephew loves it when I talk to him about sports, pop culture or finances. And when I say “love” I mean he didn’t cry. And in my book, that’s validation at its finest.

Humor-blogs’ biological clock is ticking.

Dear Future Me,

I am writing this on the heels of my/your 30th birthday. Admitting this age feels very odd and surreal. In my head, I’m still 18. The expression I’ve just now coined, “time really flies when you are incredibly awesome” is all too true.

To freshen your memory, the purpose of this letter is simple: to give you insight into where you were at age 30 and to give you a kick in the pants if life has gotten off course. As you should remember, similar letters were written at ages 20 and 10 (the latter being our infamous “girls are stupid” letter). Also, since our birthday is so close to New Year’s, this letter also fills the role of New Year’s Resolution for 2008. If that’s not killing two birds with one stone, I don’t know what is.

Singlehood

You are single. You have run the numbers in your head and come to the conclusion that being in another long-term relationship is a mathematical impossibility. But then you remembered to divide by seven and realized there was still a glimmer of hope.

Have you ever been at a place in your life where one moment you believe you are ready for the whole wife ‘n’ kids thing and the next moment you’re convinced staying eternally single is a great idea because you would never have to worry about someone else eating your peanut butter? That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is yes. Yes you have been at that place in your life. Right now. At age 30.

The question is: do you feel this way because you don’t believe you’re quite ready emotionally or spiritually for marriage, or because you love peanut butter that much?

It’s probably a little of both.

So here’s the dilemma: you want the whole wife ‘n’ kids thing, but you know there are areas in your life you need to work on before you’re truly ready.

The solution? Get your butt in gear and work on those areas of your life.

And if someone else eating your peanut butter is really that big of a deal, start buying two jars. Or maybe even three, if they’re on sale.

Financial Peace

At the time of this writing, you have just paid off your last student loan. Earlier in the year, you paid off your last credit card. After ten years, you are completely and totally debt free!

So help me, if you ruin my hard work and take on any consumer debt, I will hunt you down. I’m not joking. I will hunt you down and throat punch you. I will kick you where it hurts so many times that you’ll be able to reach high notes only 8-year-old boys or Michael Jackson can sing.

Don’t think I’ll do it just because you and I are the same person? Try me. Just try me. Our mom won’t recognize you/me after I get done with you/me.

You’ve been warned.

Okay, with those pleasantries out of the way, here’s the lowdown. You are debt free. With no more debt, you currently spend only about 2/3 of your paycheck each month. And that’s after contributing a nice chunk of your salary to your retirement account.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and if you don’t accept it I will hurt you), is to save as much as you can of the remaining 1/3. Don’t live like a pauper, but save. Your long-term financial goal is to be able to provide financial peace for yourself and your future family for the rest of your lives. You can do that by remaining debt free, saving and being wise with the money with which God entrusts you.

Preliminary savings goal: to never have a mortgage. This means either renting forever or not buying a home until you can pay for it in cash.

That’s your goal.

If you don’t meet it, I will hunt you down…

Knowledge is Power

You currently have a list of 30 books you need to read. Some were recommended to you by a friend (at your request) and the rest you jotted down in your head. Even if you’re only able to read one book every other month, do it. Make the time.

Reading these books will make your brain bigger. They will make you a more well-rounded person. Most importantly, they will fill your brain with something other than the useless sports and pop-culture trivia you soak up like a sponge.

Jazzercise

Remember back in 2005 and 2006 when you went on a big-time health kick and exercised five or six times a week for over a year? And then you suddenly stopped? Yeah, “you at 29″ sort of dropped the ball on that one. That guy was a lazy punk. But thankfully, I’m now in charge.

Yours truly (aka “you at 30″) is going to get you healthy. Not to go all Forrest Gump on you, but life is like a relay race you want to last as long as possible. In a year, I will pass the baton to “you at 31″ and a year later he will pass the baton to “you at 32.”

The goal is to keep that going as long as possible. This means eating less fried foods and more veggies. It means watching less Giada De Laurentiss on the Food Channel and taking more walks around the neighborhood.

Dress for Success

After you’ve done the aforementioned going to the gym and eating healthy for a little while, it’s time for you to get some new clothes and dress like a grownup. No, no, I don’t mean throw out your snake skin cowboy boots. That would be crazy. What I mean is you have to get past the “every day is Casual Friday” mindset at work and church.

You wear jeans every single day. That’s okay. You’re allowed. But even though you’re now 30, your older co-workers think you’re in your early-to-mid 20s. How you dress has a lot to do with that.

You want promotions? You want raises? You want your co-workers to stop saying (in total seriousness) things like, “I have worked here since 1987… Kevin, were you even alive in 1987?”

Then it’s time to expand your wardrobe.

All for Now

Well, I think this should give you ample insight into where you were at 30. I hope this letter finds you having accomplished most if not all of these goals, or are at the very least well on your way to accomplishing them.

If you read this at age 35 or 40 and feel nostalgic for the “good ol’ days when you were 30,” let me remind you of something: at 30, you were nostalgic for 25. At 25, you were nostalgic for 18. And at 18, you were an idiot.

It’s always going to be like that. When you’re 50, you’ll look back fondly at 40. At 60, you’ll wish you were 50 again. Feeling old and wishing you could go back to an earlier version of yourself is a pointless exercise because that earlier version of you was doing the same thing.

The moral? Set your sights on tomorrow, not yesterday. The only thing in your past that can hurt you is me after I’ve traveled through time to throat punch you for taking on consumer debt after I warned you not to.

Sincerely,

You at 30

Rochester, MN – In a recent study, Mayo Clinic researchers reveal that “sugary” tasting items have been found to cure nausea.

“In severe cases of nausea, we feed patients spoonfuls of sugar,” noted Mayo researcher Peter Radcliffe. “And when given the choice between Diet Coke and Coke Zero, we recommend Coke Zero every time and twice on Tuesdays.

“True story.”