Special Kind of Uncle
by kev on January 18, 2008 

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You know it’s been a long time since you’ve updated your blog when you have regular readers - some who are notorious for not updating their own blogs - leave you comments calling you out. It’s like having Keith Richards comment on your drug habit, Billy Joel comment on your bad driving, or Rosie O’Donnell comment on your abnormally large head. It hits home.

So where have I been? Glad you asked. My younger brother had a baby boy last week. He’s the first of my siblings to have a child, or get married for that matter (I can hear my mom weeping for me as I write this). Needless to say, this has thrown off my and the rest of my family’s schedule. We all just can’t get enough of that new baby smell.

While holding my new nephew for the first time yesterday, some deep thoughts popped into my head. Thoughts on what will happen when I eventually have children of my own (calm down, mom…I’m just thinking out loud). In no particular order, here are my thoughts from yesterday.

I better sleep all I can now, because once I have a kid it will be 20+ years before I can sleep again. As my regular readers know, I am a borderline insomniac. If I am woken up at night, I have a very small window to fall back asleep. If I miss the window, I’m up for the rest of the night. Rumor has it that children wake up in the middle of the night a lot. This isn’t good.

My arm is tired. When holding a sleeping baby, you have to keep perfectly still. After five minutes of this, my arm begins to go numb. This is problematic for a number of reasons. For starters, it hurts. Secondly, a numb arm is more likely to drop a baby than an arm at full strength. I’m not certain, but I don’t think my brother or his wife will invite me back to their house if I drop their baby. Note to self: when holding your own baby someday, always be seated down.

When in doubt, ask yourself the following: what would Britney Spears do? Since she is obviously insane, simply asking myself what Britney Spears would do in a parenting situation - and then doing the exact opposite - is a surefire winning strategy. In fact, this strategy can be utilized in all walks of life:

Do I want to get a regular haircut, or do I want to shave my entire head?

Should I put my clothes back on after trying on new ones in a store’s changing room, or should I wander around the store naked?

Should I be careful to avoid the paparazzi when driving, or should I run them over with my car?

Do I befriend Paris Hilton, or do I jump off a building?

Diapers are expensive. Usually, I like to buy things during their off-season. The best time to buy a jacket is during the summer. The best time to buy swim trucks is during the winter. The best time to buy heart-shaped chocolate is February 15.

But with diapers, there is no off-season. Babies are constantly being born and constantly soiling themselves. And unlike baby clothes, you can’t exactly buy diapers from a second hand store.

I’m going to have to open a “Diaper Fund” savings account at ING. Wonderful.

My nephew loves it when I talk to him about sports, pop culture or finances. And when I say “love” I mean he didn’t cry. And in my book, that’s validation at its finest.

Humor-blogs’ biological clock is ticking.