In college, I would often sit down in front of my television with a bowl of generic Ramen noodles or a ham sandwich and watch gourmet meals being prepared on the Food Channel. Why would I do this? Well, probably for the same reason a short person watches basketball or Bill Clinton watches The Bachelor.

Now, a decade later, I often turn the television channel to HGTV even though I’m a renter instead of a homeowner. Why? Well, because there’s only so much Rachel Ray a person can take.

One of HGTV’s shows, My House is Worth What?, I have renamed “The Dramatic Pause Show.” (If you don’t know the show, check out this video at YouTube for an example of what I’m talking about. Skip ahead to the 6:30 minute mark.)

In each 30-minute episode, three different homeowners have their homes appraised. And each time the appraisal is given, we the audience are treated to a dramatic pause of epic, William Shatner-esque proportions.

During the pause, we get a closeup of the appraiser, then a closeup of the homeowners, then a closeup of the show’s host, then the appraiser again, then the homeowners again, and then the host again. And then we get the homeowners’ reaction to the appraisal. I’m still waiting for an episode that has the homeowners’ dog or cat get in on the action.

I can’t prove it, but I swear I once witnessed a dramatic pause that lasted over 27 minutes on the show. It was the funniest 27 minutes in television history.

Anyway, a previous New Year’s resolution of mine was to cut down on the amount of television I watch. I estimate I’ve cut my TV time in half since making that resolution. But it’s recently occurred to me that it isn’t enough to simply stop watching TV, I need to start doing some of the things I’ve watched other people do on television over the years.

Cooking gourmet meals is expensive, so that’s out. And doing home repairs or appraisals is pointless since I don’t own the place. But dramatic pauses….that is something I could start doing immediately.

And that’s what I did. So far, the results have been outstanding. Here is a recent phone conversation I’ve had:

Brother: I saw that I had a missed call from you. What did you need?
Me: I wanted to ask you…
Me: …
Brother: Yes?
Me: ….
Brother: Hello?
Me: …
Brother: (hangs up phone)

Thanks to dramatic pauses, people think they lose their signal whenever they talk to me on the phone. This has noticeably decreased the number of phone calls I receive, which is a good thing because I hate talking on the phone so very, very much.

And here is a conversation I had recently at the bank:

Cute, twenty-something bank employee: May I help you sir?
Me: Yes, I would like…
Me: …
CTSBE: Sir?
Me: …
CTSBE: (turns around to see if anything is behind her)
Me: …
CTSBE: (begins to blush)
Me: …
CTSBE: (writes down her number and hands it to me)
Me: …
CTSBE: I get off work at five, so you could call me anytime after.
Me: …
CTBSE: I like your snake skin cowboy boots.
Me: …
CTBSE: Wow, are those tapered jeans!?
Me: …to deposit this check.

Who knew staring at a girl for five straight minutes would have such awesome results?

Thanks, HGTV!

Humor-blogs so wants to ask me out on a date.