The Thirty Day Rule
by kev on February 14, 2008 

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A few weeks ago, my mom, after finally getting to experience the “Grandmother” phenomenon thanks to my brother, asked me if I was doing anything with anyone on Valentine’s Day this year.

“Of course not,” I replied. “It’s within 30 days of Valentine’s Day. I can’t break the rule.”

Confused, my mom asked me to elaborate. And so I did.

If you are already in a relationship, the thirty day rule does not apply to you. It is only for single people. You see, once January 14 - one month before Valentine’s Day - comes and goes, single people - the sane ones, anyway - go into exile until V-Day passes.

Why?

Because the absolute worst time to meet someone new is right before Valentine’s Day.

Hypothetically, let’s say you meet someone two or three weeks before Valentine’s Day and you hit it off. What do you do when February 14 rolls around? If you do nothing and the person was expecting something, you’ve potentially ruined the relationship before it even really started. If you do something, you run the risk of the person thinking, “whoa now… I’ve only known this person for three weeks. Great, now I have to take out another restraining order.”

Either route could lead to ruin. The outcome depends entirely on what is going in the other person’s head. And, surprise, since you have only known the person for a few weeks it is impossible for you to predict with 100% certainty how they will react.

That is why every year between January 15 and February 15 I go into hiding. “Has anyone seen Kevin lately,” is an often asked question amongst friends and family during this time period.

For thirty days, all I do is go to work and then go home. I don’t even bother to stop at red lights while driving in the off chance the vehicle next to me will be a single female. I stock my kitchen with a month’s worth of food so that I do not have to make any trips to the grocery store. If I need gasoline for my car, I just borrow some from my neighbor’s SUV. I leave behind a letter that says, “Thirty Day Rule.”

And, in the event I find myself trapped in a female-laden environment, I pretend to be crazy. I skip instead of walk. I talk to an imaginary friend. I wear a Bluetooth Headset on my ear.

Thanks to these tactics, in seven more hours I will have successfully made it through another thirty days.

My mom’s response to this explanation was something along the lines of, “I am beginning to understand why you are still single.”

I wonder what she meant by that?

Humor-blogs wants to be my Valentine.