I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Today, as straight men awaken and drive to work on their daily commutes, there is a sense of dread. In offices all over the country, straight men will be subjected to lengthy, rambling, “Academy Awards” gossip by their female and non-straight male co-workers.
“The morning after The Oscars is the worst day of the year,” says Tom Johnson, an office manager for a small textile company in Atlanta. “Do you know what Reese Witherspoon wore to the 2005 Oscars? I do, because they talked about it for four freakin’ hours the next day.
“There is no amount of drinking that can get that info out of your head. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
Johnson’s viewpoint is one that is shared by Dan Dover, a data entry specialist for Coca-Cola.
“One year, the woman I shared an office with at the time asked me if I had seen the movie, Chicago. I told her I’d never heard of it. She was flabbergasted. ‘How could you have never heard of it,’ she kept asking me. ‘It was so good,’ she kept repeating. ‘It won a buttload of Oscars last night,’ she kept saying.
“I feel kind of bad about telling my boss she was stealing from petty cash so that she would get fired, but there is only so much a man can take.”
Dr. Irene Anderson of The People Institute in Atlanta, Georgia, has researched the affect “Oscaritis” has on straight men’s psyches.
“In the past, when Mel Gibson’s Braveheart, Kevin Costner’s Dances With Wolves, Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, or Russell Crowe’s Gladiator has been the big winner at The Academy Awards, we found that straight men were more receptive to the inevitable ‘Oscar gossip’ the following day. In fact, in those instances the men actually sometimes contributed to the conversations.
“However, in every other instance the men we studied had an extremely negative reaction. X-rays show that the frontal lobes of their brains turned a light salmon color, sort of like Jennifer Garner’s dress at the 2004 Academy Awards.
“You don’t have to be a scientist to know that isn’t good.”
With an obscure list of winners for this year’s Oscars, experts are predicting that the damage done to men’s brains this morning will be the worst in recorded history.
“Lord help me if someone says the name Daniel Day-Lewis or Marion Cotillard before I’ve had my cup of coffee,” remarked Johnson.
“I might just have to set the building on fire.”
Humor-blogs called in sick to work today.
;-) 2.25.08 at 11:44 pm:
First of all, as of this moment, I am the only girl I know who did NOT watch the Oscars last night, nor cared to know who won. (You may all gasp in unison……now.)
Secondly, I can imagine how rough it must be on you guys trying to tune out Oscar-versation (it’s like conversation, but not quite). Imagine being a girl…and either having to fake like we know what went on the night before, or admitting we didn’t care/didn’t watch and having to hear the “What!!!?? You didn’t WATCH!!!!??????” (Imagine the same tone of voice someone would use when they say, “What!!?? You killed a kitten!!!???”)
Thirdly…what, exactly IS a buttload? The only definitions I can come up with aren’t pretty…
Write on, my friend. For all of us female AND male anti-Oscarians out there.
;-) 2.26.08 at 12:49 am:
There should be an Oscars half-time show with Victoria Secret models jell-o wrestling or something.
;-) 2.26.08 at 8:48 am:
I cook, do all the household chores and don’t know anything about cars. If there is one way that I am a typical straight guy, however, it’s this whole Oscars thing. If they stuck me in one of those secret CIA bases that don’t exist and turned on one of those pre-Oscar shows where stupid girls ranked the actresses’ outfits, I would be singing like a canary before the opening theme even began.
;-) 2.26.08 at 2:04 pm:
Whatever, there’s no way you can sit there and tell me you didn’t love Katherine Heigl’s dress. Admit it.
I too, like Angi, never watch the Oscars. I just don’t care that much. The only reason I watched this year was because some friends had an Oscar-watching party, and there was free food involved. And where there is free food, there is Allison. It’s nature.
RYC: “Little Emo?” Boo.. incorrect. Nemo DOES go through a difficult period of separation from his father, but I wouldn’t go so far as to classify him as “emo.” I mean, where were the indie music and skinny jeans? I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
;-) 2.26.08 at 3:02 pm:
Bravo! A guy who gets it. We talked about it for at least 40 minutes yesterday…even our CEO had some things to offer. It’s the Girls Sports League.
;-) 2.26.08 at 11:33 pm:
Don’t feel bad about the “Chicago” thing, kev. I once had a 40 year old woman give me the hand after I told her that I don’t watch “Survivor”. Real mature.
And you’re right. This is something that has to stop. Straight men everywhere need to rise up, unite and defend ourselves against the Oscars, Survivor,Chicago and all other useless water cooler banter that threatens our manhood!
;-) 3.26.08 at 5:08 pm:
Erin:
Ha! Yeah, I hope you’d see that. You’ve been away for quite a while. Over a month? That’s just criminal.
Since you’re catching up on my blog and leaving comments, does this mean you’re going to FINALLY update your Xanga? You know, I did tag you for two memes a while ago…