Love him or hate him, you have to admire the way Sylvester Stallone has been able to revive his career. By returning to the iconic roles that originally made him famous, Stallone was able to exit Steven Seagal Highway, bypass Jean-Claude Van Damme Road, and become a star again. His final farewell to the Rocky series was a success with both critics and fans. His recent Rambo vehicle has been a worldwide hit. I doubt I am the only person who lies awake most nights asking, “what’s next?”

What movie from his past will Sly Stallone update next?

As you might expect, I have some suggestions.

Over the Top (1987)

In the original, Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who has had life throat punch him more than a few times. His wife, who he abandoned years earlier, is about to pass away. Also, his name is Lincoln Hawk.

After the death of his wife, Stallone tries to make amends with the son he also abandoned years earlier. His son doesn’t think too much of him. This is partly due to the fact Stallone abandoned him years earlier, and partly due to the fact Stallone burdened him with the last name Hawk. However, everything turns up roses once Stallone enters the national arm-wrestling tournament in Las Vegas. If he can win the competition, maybe, just maybe, he can win back his son’s love. And yes, this is the actual plot of the movie.

Sequel Idea: Oh, the sky’s the limit. After twenty years, maybe the glow surrounding Stallone’s arm-wrestling exploits has faded. Maybe the son, who would now be in his late 30′s, needs a new reason to love and admire Stallone. And what better way to re-win your son’s love and admiration than entering a Bingo tournament?

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)

Stallone plays Sgt. Joe Bomowski. He’s a tough detective who has recently broken up with his girlfriend, so his mom (Estelle Getty of Golden Girls fame) decides to visit him. She then follows him everywhere he goes and turns his life upside down.

She washes his gun in detergent. When he tries to talk a suicidal jumper down off a roof, she grabs a bullhorn and critiques the way he’s doing it. She gets in the middle of a shootout and becomes the lone witness to a murder.

Sequel Idea: You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking: wasn’t this plot an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. Anyway, if Estelle Getty is too old, perhaps Raymond’s Doris Roberts could portray Stallone’s mom in the sequel? Maybe “Raymond” himself, Ray Romano, could play Stallone’s brother? Wow, this could be good…

Oscar (1991)

In this remake of a French farce, Stallone stars as notorious 1930s mobster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone. When Angelo promises his dying father that he will give up the gang life for a respectable career, his plans go haywire in this witty comedy of errors. (synopsis by Rotten Tomotoes)

This movie, in all seriousness, is a favorite of mine. I consider it a hidden gem.

And while the plot doesn’t exactly lend itself to a natural sequel, I’m all in favor of Stallone bringing it to life. Why, you might ask? Because of Marisa Tomei, Stallone’s daughter in the movie. She was a cutie in 1991, and she’s a cutie today.

Sequel Idea: Marisa Tomei talks to the camera for 90 minutes. Stallone can occasionally do stuff in the background. Or not.

The Possibilities are Endless

The list of potential Stallone sequels is huge.

In 1984′s Rhinestone, Stallone sings with Dolly Parton. I’ve never actually seen the film, but in my head I imagine it to be comedic gold. Just imagine how great the sequel would be.

In Judge Dredd, a 1995 action flick that takes place in the year 2139, Stallone plays a judge who is convicted of a crime he didn’t commit. Rob Schneider is his sidekick. Start the promos.

In Demolition Man, a movie I have a hard time believing came out 15 years ago in 1993, Stallone plays a cop who is brought out of suspended animation in prison to pursue a violent criminal who is loose in a nonviolent future society.

Wesley Snipes, who co-starred in the original, would have to be replaced if there is a sequel due to the fact he is only allowed to act in vampire movies or flicks that go straight to video. But Sandra Bullock could be in the sequel. That’s not a completely… awful thing. Right?

So what say you, good people? What movie from his past should Stallone do next? Share your ideas by leaving a comment below.

Humor-blogs wants Stallone to do a sequel to Kindergarten Cop.

I’m not talking about that “S” word. I learned early in life that every time you use profanity, God permits Keanu Reeves to star in another movie. So no profanity for me, thanks. No, I’m talking about the other “S” word. The word that, when used on my blog, sends readers running for the proverbial hills.

I’m talking, of course, about SPORTS.

Wait, don’t leave. Give this blog post a chance. They’ll be plenty of time for running away and gouging out your eyes when the post is over. Please sit back down.

Thank you.

You’ll be happy to know this post isn’t about the “S” word per se, but about why it’s such a loathed topic on my blog. I realize everyone doesn’t care for sports, but everyone doesn’t care for coffee or Daylight Savings Time either. And yet those topics are usually big hits.

Case in point: On my original blog, I had reached the point where every post I wrote received between 15 and 30 comments. One day, I wrote my first “fake news” article. It was my Atlanta Braves Sign Charlie Sheen post. It received two comments.

Two.

Let’s forget my own opinion that the post was at least mildly funny. Let’s forget the fact it was later published by Associated Content and featured on its humor page. Let’s forget the fact a less than family-friendly site found it appealing enough to steal and publish on their own site without my permission. Let’s forget all that. It received two freakin’ comments. To put that into perspective, a post I once wrote about ants in my car received 14 comments.

It doesn’t end there. My post explaining why baseball players spit, a question asked by most every fan, received only three comments. And one of those comments was from me!

My real-life story of the time I was a coach for a girl’s fast-pitch softball team and a brawl broke out on the field received one comment. How does a first-hand account of my having to break up a fight between two dozen teenage girls not warrant more comments?

My topical Helping the New York Mets Through the Five Stages of Grief article last fall received six comments, but only two had anything to do with the Mets and their incredible display of awfulness.

Arguably one of the best things I have ever written, Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm, received three comments. Three. The Junk Drawer, Diesel and Frogster would get twice that number even if they wrote a post that simply said, “anyone who leaves a comment to this is an idiot.”

Only one sports-related post of mine has ever broken through. Team Names in Sports are Offensive… and Hilarious had 16 comments. Is poking fun at sports the secret to writing a popular sports-related post? My recent Most Sports Fans are Complete Idiots post that didn’t receive a single comment its first three days of existence would say the answer is “no.”

The question is why. Why is a humor piece about Paris Hilton praised while a humor piece about sports is bludgeoned with a bat? Why is a fake news story about the whereabouts of The Dell Dude praised, but a fake news story about the Braves putting an under performing pitcher to sleep loathed? Why is Keanu Reeves still starring in movies even though I haven’t cursed since 1996?

These are questions that haunt me.

Humor-blogs also haunts me.

What’s my idea of hell on earth? It’s being trapped in an elevator with Pauly Shore, Rosie O’Donnell, a can of open tuna already two days old, and a stupid sports fan.

Now, please do not misunderstand: being a sports fan doesn’t make you stupid. I’m a sports fan. Not liking or knowing much about sports doesn’t make you stupid either. I know zilch about hockey and couldn’t care less about it. Last time I checked, hockey trivia isn’t included on most IQ tests.

You’re also not stupid if you like sports, but you do not know them inside out. Not being obsessed with and knowing every minute detail of a team is a good thing. It means you are a casual fan. It means you are normal.

No, a stupid sports fan is a special breed. He or she is the type of person who hears Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” and thinks to themselves, “Lincoln… he’s the guy with the big hat, right?”

The stupid sports fan broadcasts his stupidity to anyone and everyone. He calls sports radio talk shows. He leaves messages on online forums. He sits next to you on the airplane. It isn’t his lack of sports knowledge that makes him stupid. No, it’s the fact he thinks he is a genius and wants the entire world to know it.

He thinks the world revolves around his favorite team. He thinks other teams should trade their best players to his team in exchange for spare parts and garbage. He thinks every free agent should sign with his team. He either thinks the people in charge of running his favorite team are geniuses or complete morons (there’s no middle ground). And even if he believes they are geniuses, he still believes he is smarter than them.

In short, he is irrational, emotional and completely insane. He’s the trifecta. And he gets on my nerves.

I could give you more quotes as examples, but if you are a casual fan or someone who could care less about sports, the quotes will not have much of an impact on you. In fact, it’s possible you will have no idea who any of the people or teams are, much less whether or not the context they are being used makes any sense.

So instead, I will present to you some fake quotes that have nothing to do with sports, but are on the same level of stupidity as the real quotes plastered on radio talk shows and message forums every day by die hard sports fans. This way, you have several comparisons.

Enjoy.

For the Computer Geeks

“All you Mac Leopard people are delusional. I have Windows ME on my desktop. I love it.”

“My computer’s got it all. Mice, keys, a screen, and if I push this button a cup holder comes out.”

“I am so sick of hearing about how great Firefox is. IE6 is awesome, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool.”

For the Literature Buffs

“I just finished reading War and Peace. That Shakespeare, he’s something else.”

“For my money, no one is better than Al Franken.”

“Maya Angelou is a hack. Most of her stuff doesn’t even rhyme.”

For the Frugal Shopper

“How much did you pay for that new car? You should offered $500 and a Superman comic book. Told them to take it or leave it.”

“$1.29 for salt? That’s ridiculous. I’ll grow my own.”

For Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fans

“Dawn wasn’t an annoying character.”

For the Fashion Savvy

“Snake skin cowboy boots are appropriate in any setting.”

“Only losers wear socks on their feet. Wear them on your hands, like me.”

“When shopping for beach attire, you can never go wrong with speedos.”

For the Movie Critics

“Any movie or television show can be improved upon if you add a monkey sidekick.”

“It is only a matter of time before ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ wins an Oscar. Anyone who believes otherwise cannot recognize true talent.”

As I think of more, I’ll add to the list. If you have any good ones, leave a comment. I might just add them to the list (and give you credit, of course).

I have probably written about coffee more than any other topic here on my blog. On one hand, this fact is incredibly sad. On the other hand, it is a testament to the awesome power coffee and its French vanilla goodness have over me. It is also evidence for how incredibly difficult what I am about to do is going to be.

I am quitting coffee. I am quitting it cold turkey.

I know. These statements are probably on par with a vampire swearing off blood or Tom Cruise saying he is giving up crazy pills, but they’re true.

Why? Why am I quitting? Well, it’s simple really. When you combine something as awesome as coffee with someone as awesome as yours truly, there is an awesome overload. And when the overload wears off, you fall hard off the awesome mountain. Very hard.

Going on three or four weeks now, by mid-afternoon each day my energy is gone. Being awesome from nine in the morning to six in the evening is hard work. By seven o’clock, I’m ready for bed.

When my #1 Dad mug is in my hand and coffee is touching my lips, I feel great. But that’s the problem. I can’t drink coffee all day long. For one thing, I’d never again be able to fall asleep. For another, when I drink more than four cups of coffee I gain superpowers. I have enough on my plate to deal with without having to worry about setting co-workers on fire when I sneeze.

My only recourse is giving up coffee. Only then will I be able to break my caffeine addiction. Only then will I cease being sluggish by mid-afternoon. Only then will my body revert to its normal state of awesomeness.

Your support in this endeavor is appreciated. No doubt, I will probably be grumpy for a while. My writing will likely reflect it. Try to be patient when I inevitably write a series of “why is everyone in the world so darn annoying” rants in the coming weeks.

It’s not going to be easy. As I write this, my head is pounding. I’m not exactly sure what caffeine does, but I’m pretty sure without it your head caves in.

Thankfully, I have a thick skull.

Humor-blogs also suffers from awesome overload.

Call me a skeptic, but I believe this whole “go green” movement has less to do with helping the environment and more to do with people wanting to avoid being pinched on St. Patrick’s Day.

Who on earth invented this practice of pinching anyone who isn’t wearing the color green on St. Patrick’s Day? Was it the same guy behind all those Leprechaun movies? If so, dude, haven’t you done enough?

Like most ideas that are now mainstream, I believe this started out as a goof. Colin Farrell, Sinead O’Conner, 90′s music group House of Pain, Bono, Roma Downey and Lucky the Leprechaun were all probably drinking at a pub. The evening started with them comparing the works of Oscar Wilde and Dylan Thomas, transitioned to them pondering how The Smurfs reproduced, and then ultimately ended with Colin Farrell sucker punching Roma Downey. And somewhere in the middle the idea of pinching anyone who didn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day was thrown about.

How in the world the idea caught on is beyond me. It’s the equivalent of throat punching anyone without a date on Valentine’s Day. A fun idea? Sure. Practical? Hardly.

All over the country, people who forgot what day it was and dressed in greenless apparel will be tormented. They’ll essentially be walking around all day with a “pinch me” sign on their backs. Friends, family and even complete strangers will walk up to them and pinch them.

It’s madness, I say. Madness.

All that said, I’m really looking forward to pinching people.

Humor-blogs had to Google “Roma Downey” to know who I was referring to.

The following is a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers, the witty KathyF. Check her out at The Junk Drawer.

The last time I looked, I had a head with a face on it. But to those who have a computer question, that round thing on my shoulders is a Magic 8 Ball and when you shake it, an answer comes out.

Such is my life in tech support. In my former life as a person without all the answers…

I could use a restroom without being asked how to disinfect a computer virus on the PC owned by a person not in front of their computer with their pants on, but one doing pants-down things in the neighboring stall. Sure, write this down. Oh, you don’t have a pen in there? How silly of me.

I could attend a social event at work without being approached by a client who spots me daring to have fun and asks if I can transfer all their VHS tapes to DVD, even though it has nothing to do with their work and how very bold of you to ask for those services for free and, oh yeah, this is a social event.

I could shop at a grocery store without running into someone outside of work who thinks I’m still on the clock, even though I’m clearly busy deciding whether the super strength of Charmin Ultra Strong is a better option than the delicate tenderness of Ultra Soft, and care to help me pick one while I answer your question?

I could remain unknown to the friend of a friend of a family member who heard that I’m in tech support. Or the kid of a co-worker who got a computer virus. Or the parents of someone I used to work with. Or a co-worker’s husband whose business doesn’t have in-house tech support. To everyone who I don’t work for, I have two words for you: Geek Squad.

I could be shielded from questions that start with “I know you don’t support this, but…” Translated, that means “I chose to ignore what you said and hope you’ll have pity on me, even though I know you can’t possibly know all the inner workings of random software applications we insist on using. I hoped what you meant was that if I kept pestering, you would break down and support it anyway. So can I ask you a question?”

I could eat lunch at my desk without being interrupted by someone who doesn’t know that lunch, according to Webster’s dictionary, means “to eat lunch.” If I thought it would help to explain that I take a lunch break at lunch to eat lunch and do nothing but enjoy lunch at lunch, I would. But that only prolongs the conversation until my meal turns into a cold, hard remnant of its former piping-hot self.

So what’s the lesson here? If you want to shake my Magic 8 Ball head, do so at your own risk. If I’m not in my office, or not on the clock, or I don’t work for you, my head might explode. And for the record, an exploded head is unable to answer your questions.

Humor-blogs should ask again later.

In probably the weirdest of all weird news, the story of a Kansas woman who did not leave her boyfriend’s bathroom for two years hit the news circuits this week. Allow me to briefly review the high/lowlights:

• The woman chose on her own to stay inside the bathroom. Her boyfriend of 16 years tried daily to get her to come out. She would always respond, “maybe tomorrow.”
• The boyfriend brought the woman food and water every day. On February 27, he called police to report, “there (is) something wrong with (my) girlfriend.”
• Because she had been on it for so long, the woman’s skin had grown around the toilet seat. She was stuck to it. “We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” said the town’s sheriff. “The hospital removed it.”
• “She is an adult; she made her own decision,” said the boyfriend. “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”
• Authorities are debating whether or not to press charges against the boyfriend (for not getting help sooner).

I don’t even know where to begin on this one.

I could go on an angry rant about how the boyfriend should be punished for not contacting the authorities sooner. His girlfriend is obviously ill, and no amount of “she is an adult” should safeguard him from receiving a massive beat down.

I could talk about how sad I am for the woman. Her boyfriend said she received beatings in her childhood, and the reason she initially stayed in the bathroom is because she “felt safe” there. She obviously has psychological problems, and I hope she is able to get the help she needs.

I don’t want to talk about either of those, though. It’s Friday. I want to end the week on an upbeat note. As a result, I will ask some practical questions. These are questions I doubt anyone else in this wild, crazy world will ask:

What did the boyfriend do when he had to use the bathroom?

With his girlfriend claiming the bathroom as her own, what did the boyfriend do? Did he have to bathe in the kitchen sink? Did he “do his business” in the bushes outside his home? And how did his neighbors feel about that? I have to imagine they weren’t thrilled.

Assuming there was a second bathroom in the home:

Who had the nicer bathroom?

Was the girlfriend in the master bathroom? On the one hand, you’d like to think she was since it was the only room in the entire house she used. The only thing worse than staying in the bathroom for two years is staying in the small bathroom for two years.

At the same time, look at it from the boyfriend’s perspective: It’s your home. You paid good money for it. And instead of being able to enjoy your master bathroom, you are exiled to the guest bathroom. The small bathroom. The bathroom without a heated towel rack. The bathroom without a second sink in front of the vanity. The bathroom without a jacuzzi. And why are you exiled? Because Ms. Crazy Crazerson has taken up shop in your master bathroom!

Did she have a television in the bathroom?

If the answer is no, I have my suspicions that this entire story is fabricated.

Two years without Alton Brown and Giada De Laurentiss?

Two years without major league baseball?

Two years without The Office and Scrubs?

Two years without Survivor, Big Brother and the rest of Reality TV? Actually, she might have been onto something…

Surely she had some kind of entertainment? Did her boyfriend bring her magazines and books? Did she have a laptop with wireless Internet connection? Did he put in a new shower curtain every week so she’d have something different to stare at?

If she did have a television, did she ever watch HGTV and think, “that would look great in here?”

Okay, I’m almost ashamed of this question.

Was the boyfriend faithful?

Does he own other houses? Has anyone bothered to check those bathrooms? Do you really expect me to believe this guy neglected only one girl? He’s a serial neglecter if there ever was one.

Wait, she ate in the bathroom??

How incredibly unseemly.

Here’s hoping the next time this woman makes the news, it’s because people are marveling at her remarkable recovery and the fact she has been able to move on to a happy, fulfilling life.

Humor-blogs likes to vacation in the bathtub.

I used to dislike memes until I realized they enabled me to be sarcastic and give all of you, my rabid readers, the Kev trivia you so desperately crave. If that isn’t a win-win, I don’t know what is.

Today I have two memes. The first is from a long-time reader who has tagged me in the past. The second is from a relatively new reader who I probably offended and scared away because she tagged me for the meme 8 weeks ago and I’m just now doing it.

The “To Do List” Meme

CC of The Life and Times of a Confused Twenty-Something recently tagged me for a meme where I write a list of five things on my “to do” list for the week that are not related to work. It won’t be easy, but let’s see if I can butcher this perfectly normal meme.

1. Shave my face. Even though I probably should shave every day since I work in an office, lately I find myself only shaving about once every six or seven days. Time, money and an inexplicable admiration for Kenny Rogers are the primary reasons for my weekly shaving habit.

2. Wash the dishes. At my former residence, I had a dishwasher and a roommate who never cooked (and therefore never dirtied any dishes). At my current residence, I have no dishwasher and a roommate who cooks approximately seventeen meals a day and washes the dishes approximately once per leap year.

The result? Something in my kitchen sink has come to life. I need to kill it before it kills me.

3. Finish writing my four guest posts. Possibly due to my having blackmailed this individual (kidding), a very popular website will be publishing four new posts of mine on their site for April Fool’s Day. Their site is not a humor site, so I’ll be reaching a whole new audience with this endeavor.

Why am I writing for a non-humor site? What on earth will I talk about? Well, when these posts will publish (April 1) should give you a clue as to the why. For the what, you’ll just have to wait and see!

4. Pay my auto insurance bill. I have been driving for over a decade. That, obviously, means I have been paying for auto insurance for over a decade. Do you know how many accidents I’ve had? Zero. Do you know how many times I’ve filed an insurance claim? Zero. Doing some quick math in my head, I’ve paid approximately 8 billion dollars for auto insurance in my lifetime and I’ve yet to have had needed it.

Have you ever felt the urge to ram your vehicle into another just so you can justify the money you’ve paid for insurance over the years? And not just any vehicle, but the vehicle of one of those people who leave their grocery carts in the middle of the parking lot even though the cart return area is ten yards away?

5. Catch up on my blogroll. There are probably two dozen blogs I regularly read and enjoy, but thanks to all the time I’ve spent the past few weeks redesigning this site I have gotten way behind on them. I will attempt to remedy the situation this weekend. That is, unless I get distracted, which is a distinct possibility.

The Quirky Meme

In “I totally missed that” news, Lauren from Can You Be a Part of My Life tagged me for a meme way back on January 20. She even left me a comment so I would know about it. In my defense, the “ping” or “incoming link” you’re supposed to receive when someone has linked to your site didn’t get to me until two days ago. And as for missing the comment she left me, um, well… I went temporarily blind that day. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Anyway, I’m supposed to share six non-important things/habits/quirks about myself.

1. I alternate between growing my hair long and cutting it short. There really is no rhyme or reason I do this, but I’ve had this habit since I was 18. Two weeks ago, I cut my hair short again. Before, my hair was the same length as the crazy guy in the photo to the left, but it was a tad less tamed. By that I mean instead of laying flat, my hair likes to curl at the ends when it gets long. This gives my head what my mom likes to call, “wings.”

Most people can’t pull this look off. And no, neither can I.

2. As I’ve mentioned before, I am directionally challenged. However, I am also mean and short tempered when I drive. This may not seem like a big deal, but you must understand that I’m one of the most laid-back people in existence. But when I drive, I become a different person. I’m easily rattled. I’m easily annoyed by other people. I’m quick to snap at the poor soul who is in the vehicle with me.

Mind you, merely sitting behind the wheel of a car doesn’t transform me. In normal driving conditions, I remain easy-going Kev. But if I’m driving to someplace I’m unfamiliar, if I’m lost, if I’m tired… well, evil Kevin comes out to play. It’s not pretty.

3. I like to wear jackets. Until it becomes unbearable to continue doing so, I wear a jacket everywhere I go. I’m pretty sure my mom has a photo of me wearing a jacket to the beach one summer.

4. I despise tuna. I can’t eat it. I can’t stand the smell of it. Those who know me and those who are long-time readers know I can thank my college dorm mate Denis, who ate tuna every day for four months, for this intense hatred.

5. Going along with #1, I am always brushing hair out of my eyes. This is perfectly normal when my hair is long, but it’s a tad peculiar-looking when my hair is short and nowhere near my eyes. I’ve gotten so used to the routine, I do it a dozen times a day regardless of my hair’s length.

People who meet me for the first time undoubtedly believe I am crazy.

6. I am a creature of habit. In college, I would eat Ramen noodles every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat stir-fry every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat turkey sandwiches every meal for two or three weeks. Then I would eat spaghetti every meal for two or three weeks. And then I repeated the process.

A more recent example would be my nighttime television viewing habit. For six straight weeks, I have watched the same thing every night before going to bed: NewsRadio. I own seasons one through four of the incredibly awesome and underrated sitcom. And every night for six weeks I’ve watched a few episodes. I’ll start on season one, go all the way to the end of season four, and then start over.

And yes, I’m being completely serious.

Tag, You’re It

For starters, I am tagging the two people who tagged me. CC, you get to do the “quirky” meme. Lauren, you get to do the “to do list” meme.

For both memes, I am tagging the following: Kathy because I told you I’d get my revenge… Erin and Allison because you’re both way, way, way overdue for blog updates… Diesel because I know how much you love memes… Angi because it’ll cheer you up… Frogster because “frogster” is such a funny word to type… frogster… Josh because I don’t think you ever did anything the last time I tagged you for a meme, and Steve because you had a birthday this week. Happy b-day, buddy!

Also on January 20, Lauren presented me with an “E for Excellent” blog award. Thank you, Lauren. This deserves a post of its own, so I’ll save it for another time.

Humor-blogs wishes I tagged it.

Well, well, well, Daylight Savings Time. You thought you were pretty hot stuff when you bested me last Fall. Didn’t you? What happened yesterday, big guy? What’s that? I got the better of you this time around? Bet your spring-forward-fall-back butt I did!

No doubt, you’ve bested me more times than I’d like to admit. The time I lost an entire day in college because of you comes to mind. But that’s all in the past, my friend. This year, I got you. I got you good.

My family said I was crazy when I moved my clocks forward five months ago. “You’re not supposed to do that until sometime in March,” they told me.

“I’m not letting Daylight Savings Time get the better of me again,” I told them. “With a five month head start, I’m pretty sure I’ll be acclimated by the time March rolls around.”

And guess what? I did get acclimated before March. In fact, it only took me four months to get used to the new time.

Oh sure, there were occasions during those first four months where I questioned the wisdom in having my clocks one hour ahead of the rest of the world. I kept getting to work one hour early. We don’t get overtime, so that wasn’t good.

And I kept missing my favorite shows on television. When you turn on the TV expecting to watch The Office and you instead see Judge Judy, well… it makes you question your life’s decisions.

And I missed a few dates, too. We’d agree to meet somewhere at 7:00. I’d show up seven o’clock, which was really six o’clock, not be able to locate my date, and next thing you know I’m leaving her an angry 12-minute voice mail message that inevitable ends with my sobbing, “whatever I did wrong… I’ll fix it.”

But all that was worth it on Sunday morning, when I woke up on time for church. While everyone else in the world was lamenting the lost hour of sleep, I simply smiled.

“Did we lose an hour sleep last night,” I rhetorically asked. “I didn’t even notice.”

What’s wrong, Daylight Savings Time? Feeling down? You’re not going to cry are you? Is the big baby going to cry? It won’t make you any less of a… whatever you are… if you cry.

Score one for “The Kev.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Daylight Savings Time. You mess with the bull, you get the horns!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get ready for the Fall and set my clocks back one hour…

A few days ago, I noticed I was getting a fairly large number of visitors from a site that was foreign to me. “What on earth is Alltop,” I thought to myself, out loud, in the middle of a large group of people, as the bride and groom were taking their vows. How embarrassing. I guess that’s what I get for taking an iPhone with me when I crash someone’s wedding.

Anyway, curious cat I am, I did some research. Alltop is a brand-new website from the creators of Truemors, a very popular social information site that has a Google PageRank of 6. To put that into perspective: American Idol’s website is also a 6, ESPN.com is a 7, and Carrot Top’s official site is a 4.

When I go to Alltop, I’m greeted by a nice, easy-to-follow layout. Apparently, Alltop is a collection (or “aggregation,” if you want to sound intelligent or geeky) of websites organized into categories. “All the top” (hence the name) websites are listed in each category, and links to the five most recent updates from each site is displayed underneath. It’s pretty nifty.

At the homepage, topics are grouped alphabetically. You’ve got entertainment, food, health, gaming, sports, politics, religion… the list is as long as… well, something very, very long. Sorry, I can’t think of any analogies without my morning pot of coffee.

Eventually, I glanced down to the “Humor” section of the homepage. There I found what you (hopefully) see in the picture to the left:

“Featuring The Onion, Jokers Joke, Special Kind of Stupid, and Stuff White People Like.”

I can’t truthfully say I am familiar with those other two sites listed, but The Onion is arguably the most popular humor site on the web. And there’s my site, listed in the same sentence with it. Usually, to be mentioned in the same sentence with someone or something famous, I’d have to resort to stalking a celebrity.

My bliss was kicked up a notch when I clicked on the “Humor” link. Only forty-seven sites are listed. Among them: The Onion, Dilbert, and Dane Cook’s website. Which site is listed top and center? Take a guess. Hint: it’s not Dane Cook.

Clearly, I must be a distant relative of one of Alltop’s creators. That’s the only logical explanation.

A big thank you to Guy Kawasaki and the rest of the Alltop team for including me in their index. The more I read about you guys and your past projects, the more I realize how big an honor this is.

So… which one of you am I related to?

I’m occasionally asked about the advertisements on my website. Why do I have them? Don’t they get in the way of the incredibly awesome content on my site? Doesn’t having advertisements make me a sellout? Well, yes, it does. But I have a good reason for selling out.

Every so often, an advertisement with one of those Snorg t-shirt girls will appear.

I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking that I like these advertisements because the girls in them are pretty.

Balderdash. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. That simply could not be further from the truth.

I like them because of the refreshingly funny slogans on the shirts. Their humor brightens my day with laughter, sunshine and puppy dogs falling from the sky.

There I will be, down in the dumps about something or another, and suddenly a smiling face will greet me via an advertisement on this website.

“Hello frowny face,” they seem to say to me. “Don’t you like my funny shirt?”

“I do like it,” I will think to myself. And suddenly, all is right in the world.

Snorg t-shirts are like tiny gold nuggets of comedy magic. I’m not sure of the precise numbers, but it’s my estimation that 100% of their slogans are lines from Will Ferrell movies. I like Will Ferrell, so this is a good thing.

Who can forget Ferrell’s “I’m kind of a big deal” line from his movie, Anchorman? Snorg’s tribute to that line is priceless. And who can forget the “I love lamp” line from the same movie? Classic. I don’t remember which Will Ferrell movie the line “I am McLovin” came from, but I’m sure it was hilarious. The t-shirt version of it certainly is.

With so much evil in the world, it’s nice to find something that is an absolute good. Snorg t-shirts should be treasured. They’re able to put a smile on even the most jaded of faces. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration for me to say they are the best thing on this or any other planet.

Plus, the girls in their ads are hot.

Humor-blogs wears size extra medium.