Quitting Coffee Cold Turkey
by kev on March 19, 2008 

11 Comments

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I have probably written about coffee more than any other topic here on my blog. On one hand, this fact is incredibly sad. On the other hand, it is a testament to the awesome power coffee and its French vanilla goodness have over me. It is also evidence for how incredibly difficult what I am about to do is going to be.

I am quitting coffee. I am quitting it cold turkey.

I know. These statements are probably on par with a vampire swearing off blood or Tom Cruise saying he is giving up crazy pills, but they’re true.

Why? Why am I quitting? Well, it’s simple really. When you combine something as awesome as coffee with someone as awesome as yours truly, there is an awesome overload. And when the overload wears off, you fall hard off the awesome mountain. Very hard.

Going on three or four weeks now, by mid-afternoon each day my energy is gone. Being awesome from nine in the morning to six in the evening is hard work. By seven o’clock, I’m ready for bed.

When my #1 Dad mug is in my hand and coffee is touching my lips, I feel great. But that’s the problem. I can’t drink coffee all day long. For one thing, I’d never again be able to fall asleep. For another, when I drink more than four cups of coffee I gain superpowers. I have enough on my plate to deal with without having to worry about setting co-workers on fire when I sneeze.

My only recourse is giving up coffee. Only then will I be able to break my caffeine addiction. Only then will I cease being sluggish by mid-afternoon. Only then will my body revert to its normal state of awesomeness.

Your support in this endeavor is appreciated. No doubt, I will probably be grumpy for a while. My writing will likely reflect it. Try to be patient when I inevitably write a series of “why is everyone in the world so darn annoying” rants in the coming weeks.

It’s not going to be easy. As I write this, my head is pounding. I’m not exactly sure what caffeine does, but I’m pretty sure without it your head caves in.

Thankfully, I have a thick skull.

Humor-blogs also suffers from awesome overload.

11 Responses »

1. Alice
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm:

   Hope it works for you! I failed and am back to sneaking to 7-11 for headache purposes. Coffee cold-turkey kills.

2. StephanieC
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 1:11 pm:

   Good luck! I’ve tried to give up caffeine numerous times, and it’s a very difficult and cranky process. (Yes, numerous times. I can’t help that I keep falling off the wagon and on to the wagon of Cola goodness.)

3. 300baud
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 1:56 pm:

   My kitchen doesn’t have a working oven, but it has an espresso machine that never quite gets cold. So this is good news for me, as the reduced demand will save me a few cents a year. Which I will spend on a few more beans.

4. Shieldmaiden96
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 2:59 pm:

   I struggled with this myself, tried to quit altogether, and after a solid week of dull, pounding head pain, decided to compromise; I grind 1/2 decaf and 1/2 regular beans, good SWP stuff from the co-op, and drink that. Cold turkey was painful and, as it turned out, unneccessary; once I backed down my consumption the energy swings and sleeplessness ceased. Good luck.

5. VE
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 3:58 pm:

   Thank God I never drank coffee. I’m already obnoxious enough without it. Good luck on the cold turkey thing though. What exactly does abstinance of something have to do with a turkey being cold anyway?

6. KathyF
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 7:28 pm:

   Kev — Wishing you luck on this venture. I thought someone hijacked your blog and wrote this pretending to be you. You’ve upset my world. Coffee goes with Kev, but I understand how too much awesomeness could create problems. I don’t think they have a 12-step program for people like you, so you’re on your own. You should consider Shieldmaiden96’s approach if it gets too hard for you. Good luck!

7. the frogster
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 7:32 pm:

   i’m on day one myself. it was finally time. i am so all or nothing that i am not capable of having the after dinner cappucino once in a while. i tried decaf but that was just a big tease and i wound up going back to the leaded stuff. hang in there.

8. Amy
   
   March 19th, 2008 at 9:10 pm:

   Due to a painful medical condition (IC), I recently quit tea cold turkey. Even though I know drinking tea will cause me great discomfort, I WANT TEA. Ahh, such is life.

   If you can hang in there, and you will, instead of going for the coffee at 3 pm, go for instant oatmeal. You can develop a new ritual involving hot water and the #1 Dad “oatmeal” mug. Good luck and drink plenty of water!

9. Susan
   
   March 21st, 2008 at 2:44 pm:

   I think cold turkey is the best way to quit certain addictions, like smoking and gambling. But I think caffeine is one you can just wean yourself from slowly. I speak from experience. I currently stick to a single cup of coffee in the morning on weekdays, and 2 on weekends, no more. Why not try something more reasonable like that?

10. kev
    
    March 21st, 2008 at 3:07 pm:

    @Alice: Thanks! No 7-11s near me, so hopefully ‘m safe.

    @Stephanie: Thanks. It’s definitely difficult, and I here you on the grumpiness. I think my co-workers are afraid of me right now.

    @Baud: Well, at least some good can come out of this then!

    @Shield: The 1/2 and 1/2 isn’t a bad idea. Although, in truth, cutting down on the calories I drink also played a hand in my decision. I can’t drink coffee black, and I’m addicted to french vanilla creamer. All those creamers add up to a lot of calories!

    @VE: Good question. I’ll have to put my research team on that.

    @Kathy: Don’t blame you there. Given my past writings on coffee, this post is almost blasphemy!

    @Frogster: You too? Wow, so how’s it going?

    @Amy: Thanks! I’m actually doing the instant oatmeal thing. Cinnamon flavor is the best.

    @Susan: I think I went the cold turkey route because I was feeling SO lethargic lately. Each day was worse than the previous one. Rather than a gradual change, I gambled that I could quit cold turkey. So far, so good…

    Thanks again for the encouragement, everyone!

11. Corrina
    
    April 4th, 2008 at 10:21 pm:

    You are a very brave man.

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