What’s my idea of hell on earth? It’s being trapped in an elevator with Pauly Shore, Rosie O’Donnell, a can of open tuna already two days old, and a stupid sports fan.

Now, please do not misunderstand: being a sports fan doesn’t make you stupid. I’m a sports fan. Not liking or knowing much about sports doesn’t make you stupid either. I know zilch about hockey and couldn’t care less about it. Last time I checked, hockey trivia isn’t included on most IQ tests.

You’re also not stupid if you like sports, but you do not know them inside out. Not being obsessed with and knowing every minute detail of a team is a good thing. It means you are a casual fan. It means you are normal.

No, a stupid sports fan is a special breed. He or she is the type of person who hears Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” and thinks to themselves, “Lincoln… he’s the guy with the big hat, right?”

The stupid sports fan broadcasts his stupidity to anyone and everyone. He calls sports radio talk shows. He leaves messages on online forums. He sits next to you on the airplane. It isn’t his lack of sports knowledge that makes him stupid. No, it’s the fact he thinks he is a genius and wants the entire world to know it.

He thinks the world revolves around his favorite team. He thinks other teams should trade their best players to his team in exchange for spare parts and garbage. He thinks every free agent should sign with his team. He either thinks the people in charge of running his favorite team are geniuses or complete morons (there’s no middle ground). And even if he believes they are geniuses, he still believes he is smarter than them.

In short, he is irrational, emotional and completely insane. He’s the trifecta. And he gets on my nerves.

I could give you more quotes as examples, but if you are a casual fan or someone who could care less about sports, the quotes will not have much of an impact on you. In fact, it’s possible you will have no idea who any of the people or teams are, much less whether or not the context they are being used makes any sense.

So instead, I will present to you some fake quotes that have nothing to do with sports, but are on the same level of stupidity as the real quotes plastered on radio talk shows and message forums every day by die hard sports fans. This way, you have several comparisons.

Enjoy.

For the Computer Geeks

“All you Mac Leopard people are delusional. I have Windows ME on my desktop. I love it.”

“My computer’s got it all. Mice, keys, a screen, and if I push this button a cup holder comes out.”

“I am so sick of hearing about how great Firefox is. IE6 is awesome, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool.”

For the Literature Buffs

“I just finished reading War and Peace. That Shakespeare, he’s something else.”

“For my money, no one is better than Al Franken.”

“Maya Angelou is a hack. Most of her stuff doesn’t even rhyme.”

For the Frugal Shopper

“How much did you pay for that new car? You should offered $500 and a Superman comic book. Told them to take it or leave it.”

“$1.29 for salt? That’s ridiculous. I’ll grow my own.”

For Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fans

“Dawn wasn’t an annoying character.”

For the Fashion Savvy

“Snake skin cowboy boots are appropriate in any setting.”

“Only losers wear socks on their feet. Wear them on your hands, like me.”

“When shopping for beach attire, you can never go wrong with speedos.”

For the Movie Critics

“Any movie or television show can be improved upon if you add a monkey sidekick.”

“It is only a matter of time before ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ wins an Oscar. Anyone who believes otherwise cannot recognize true talent.”

…

As I think of more, I’ll add to the list. If you have any good ones, leave a comment. I might just add them to the list (and give you credit, of course).

Humor-blogs thinks I’m grumpy now that I’ve given up coffee.