The Sylvester Stallone Trilogy
by kev on March 27, 2008 

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Love him or hate him, you have to admire the way Sylvester Stallone has been able to revive his career. By returning to the iconic roles that originally made him famous, Stallone was able to exit Steven Seagal Highway, bypass Jean-Claude Van Damme Road, and become a star again. His final farewell to the Rocky series was a success with both critics and fans. His recent Rambo vehicle has been a worldwide hit. I doubt I am the only person who lies awake most nights asking, “what’s next?”

What movie from his past will Sly Stallone update next?

As you might expect, I have some suggestions.

Over the Top (1987)

In the original, Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver who has had life throat punch him more than a few times. His wife, who he abandoned years earlier, is about to pass away. Also, his name is Lincoln Hawk.

After the death of his wife, Stallone tries to make amends with the son he also abandoned years earlier. His son doesn’t think too much of him. This is partly due to the fact Stallone abandoned him years earlier, and partly due to the fact Stallone burdened him with the last name Hawk. However, everything turns up roses once Stallone enters the national arm-wrestling tournament in Las Vegas. If he can win the competition, maybe, just maybe, he can win back his son’s love. And yes, this is the actual plot of the movie.

Sequel Idea: Oh, the sky’s the limit. After twenty years, maybe the glow surrounding Stallone’s arm-wrestling exploits has faded. Maybe the son, who would now be in his late 30’s, needs a new reason to love and admire Stallone. And what better way to re-win your son’s love and admiration than entering a Bingo tournament?

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)

Stallone plays Sgt. Joe Bomowski. He’s a tough detective who has recently broken up with his girlfriend, so his mom (Estelle Getty of Golden Girls fame) decides to visit him. She then follows him everywhere he goes and turns his life upside down.

She washes his gun in detergent. When he tries to talk a suicidal jumper down off a roof, she grabs a bullhorn and critiques the way he’s doing it. She gets in the middle of a shootout and becomes the lone witness to a murder.

Sequel Idea: You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking: wasn’t this plot an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. Anyway, if Estelle Getty is too old, perhaps Raymond’s Doris Roberts could portray Stallone’s mom in the sequel? Maybe “Raymond” himself, Ray Romano, could play Stallone’s brother? Wow, this could be good…

Oscar (1991)

In this remake of a French farce, Stallone stars as notorious 1930s mobster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone. When Angelo promises his dying father that he will give up the gang life for a respectable career, his plans go haywire in this witty comedy of errors. (synopsis by Rotten Tomotoes)

This movie, in all seriousness, is a favorite of mine. I consider it a hidden gem.

And while the plot doesn’t exactly lend itself to a natural sequel, I’m all in favor of Stallone bringing it to life. Why, you might ask? Because of Marisa Tomei, Stallone’s daughter in the movie. She was a cutie in 1991, and she’s a cutie today.

Sequel Idea: Marisa Tomei talks to the camera for 90 minutes. Stallone can occasionally do stuff in the background. Or not.

The Possibilities are Endless

The list of potential Stallone sequels is huge.

In 1984’s Rhinestone, Stallone sings with Dolly Parton. I’ve never actually seen the film, but in my head I imagine it to be comedic gold. Just imagine how great the sequel would be.

In Judge Dredd, a 1995 action flick that takes place in the year 2139, Stallone plays a judge who is convicted of a crime he didn’t commit. Rob Schneider is his sidekick. Start the promos.

In Demolition Man, a movie I have a hard time believing came out 15 years ago in 1993, Stallone plays a cop who is brought out of suspended animation in prison to pursue a violent criminal who is loose in a nonviolent future society.

Wesley Snipes, who co-starred in the original, would have to be replaced if there is a sequel due to the fact he is only allowed to act in vampire movies or flicks that go straight to video. But Sandra Bullock could be in the sequel. That’s not a completely… awful thing. Right?

So what say you, good people? What movie from his past should Stallone do next? Share your ideas by leaving a comment below.

Humor-blogs wants Stallone to do a sequel to Kindergarten Cop.