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Quitting Coffee Has Turned Me Stupid
March 31, 2008
Blog
9

Since quitting coffee twelve days, two hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-nine seconds ago, I am happy to report my head has not, as I incorrectly predicted, caved in. The intense caffeine headaches I faced early on went away after after a few days. Even more amazing, I now have more energy in the morning!

By all accounts, my quitting coffee cold turkey has been a success. There is only one tiny problem:

I’ve become stupid.

Since quitting coffee, my brain doesn’t work like it used to. I’m forgetting things – things I never used to forget.

A few days ago, I used my credit card and signed the receipt, but I forgot to fill in the tip amount or total. I’m methodical when it comes to finances, so this oversight is the equivalent of a surgeon forgetting to wash his hands or Rosie O’Donnell forgetting to eat her second lunch.

A day earlier, I came to a four-way stop sign. It’s one I encounter every day on my way home. I look to my left. Check. I look straight ahead. Check. Just as I am hitting the gas pedal to go forward, a giant SUV to my right darts past me. Did I check to my right? No, I forgot. But wait, I never forget. I’m the most cautious, paranoid driver in my age bracket.

I forgot the lyrics to a Stone Temple Pilots song.

I forgot to check my mailbox (real mail, not e-mail) on Saturday.

Someone asked me for the name of an actor we were watching on television, and I couldn’t remember:

“Darn, what’s his name… he was in the first Die Hard… he was with Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves… um, he was in Galaxy Quest… what’s his name?!?” (I remembered his name two hours later: Alan Rickman)

I forgot to set my alarm clock one night.

I couldn’t remember if I’d already washed my hair, so one morning I washed it twice.

I’m currently wearing mismatched socks.

I have forgotten more things the past two weeks, but I can’t remember them.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal? Will my brain eventually rebound, or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Most importantly: would being a moron improve or hurt my efforts to avoid being eternally single?

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