Quitting Coffee Has Turned Me Stupid
by kev on March 31, 2008 

9 Comments

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Since quitting coffee twelve days, two hours, sixteen minutes and twenty-nine seconds ago, I am happy to report my head has not, as I incorrectly predicted, caved in. The intense caffeine headaches I faced early on went away after after a few days. Even more amazing, I now have more energy in the morning!

By all accounts, my quitting coffee cold turkey has been a success. There is only one tiny problem:

I’ve become stupid.

Since quitting coffee, my brain doesn’t work like it used to. I’m forgetting things - things I never used to forget.

A few days ago, I used my credit card and signed the receipt, but I forgot to fill in the tip amount or total. I’m methodical when it comes to finances, so this oversight is the equivalent of a surgeon forgetting to wash his hands or Rosie O’Donnell forgetting to eat her second lunch.

A day earlier, I came to a four-way stop sign. It’s one I encounter every day on my way home. I look to my left. Check. I look straight ahead. Check. Just as I am hitting the gas pedal to go forward, a giant SUV to my right darts past me. Did I check to my right? No, I forgot. But wait, I never forget. I’m the most cautious, paranoid driver in my age bracket.

I forgot the lyrics to a Stone Temple Pilots song.

I forgot to check my mailbox (real mail, not e-mail) on Saturday.

Someone asked me for the name of an actor we were watching on television, and I couldn’t remember:

“Darn, what’s his name… he was in the first Die Hard… he was with Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves… um, he was in Galaxy Quest… what’s his name?!?” (I remembered his name two hours later: Alan Rickman)

I forgot to set my alarm clock one night.

I couldn’t remember if I’d already washed my hair, so one morning I washed it twice.

I’m currently wearing mismatched socks.

I have forgotten more things the past two weeks, but I can’t remember them.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal? Will my brain eventually rebound, or will I be like this for the rest of my life?

Most importantly: would being a moron improve or hurt my efforts to avoid being eternally single?

Humor-blogs is eternally hilarious.

9 Responses »

1. Kathy
   
   March 31st, 2008 at 7:11 pm:

   Kev, I’m sorry you got stupid, but you’re a special kind of stupid, so all is not lost. I think you’ll be fine being a moron for now. I don’t think it’s permanent. The idiocy effect will wear off when you’re completely over coffee. Perhaps you have another couple weeks to go before your awesomeness shines through again. Keep the faith.

2. My Mind Wandered
   
   March 31st, 2008 at 9:36 pm:

   Oh, by all means it will help your chances of not staying single. Women love morons. I’ve married several myself. And yes. You will forever after remain an absent-minded, blundering, dimwitted, forgetter. But look on the bright side. Each day will be a new experience.

   Good luck with that .

3. Steve
   
   March 31st, 2008 at 9:58 pm:

   Quitting coffee did not cause you to become stupid. Rather, it was the other way around.

4. the frogster
   
   April 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 am:

   You made it, my friend. Over the hurdle. All downhill from here. I made it 2 1/2 days and now I’m back on the juice. That’s right, I may not be stupid but I am a spineless jellyfish. Kudos.

5. Erin
   
   April 2nd, 2008 at 7:24 pm:

   You still haven’t replied to the two memes you were tagged in. I guess you forgot about that too. Wait a minute…

   ryc: Your psychic-ness has started to rub off on me and I knew you would be stopping by so I made sure the Snorg ad was ready to go. Additionally, I have great power over internet ads.

6. Amy
   
   April 2nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm:

   Yes, special kind of stupid, indeed. Your woman-getting chances have increased, but only while this fogginess lasts. So get while the gettin’s good. On second thought…

   Anyway, the cloud should lift. I’ve been off caffeine since November, and I have experienced similar amnesia. My favorite was driving without contacts in my eyes. I got all the way out of house, out of the driveway, and down the street before I realized it wasn’t misting outside.

   Oh, and vitamin D seems to help, I almost forgot.

7. Corrina
   
   April 4th, 2008 at 10:19 pm:

   Wow! That’s a lot of forgetfulness there, guy. Oddly enough, I also have “forgotten” to look right at a 4-way stop sign. That cab driver was VERY unamused with me. I must go now and see why on earth you have given up the holy juice that is coffee…

8. Memarie Lane
   
   April 6th, 2008 at 11:24 pm:

   Take fish oil! Gives you gross burps, but you’ll turn into friggin… hmmm. Who’s really smart… ? Oh right, didn’t take my fish oil today.

9. Ian
   
   June 10th, 2008 at 6:41 pm:

   You did NOT become stupid - just un-alert, as cofee does make us alert.
   I’m quite sure that you’ll end up with a new ballance, though it may not be as alert as the coffee balance.
   Good luck with the ladies, show them what you’re made of! A man that managed to quit coffee is NOT to be taken lightly.

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