The news of actor Wesley Snipes being sentenced to three years in prison for cheating on his taxes has sent shock waves through the Hollywood community. Fellow actors, convinced these tax charges are merely the beginning of large-scale witch hunt to rid society of horrible acting, are worried they could be next.

“Al Capone was a murderer, but how did they finally put him away,” asked noted bad actor Ben Affleck rhetorically. “For cheating on his taxes.

“Wesley (Snipes) wasn’t a murderer — he didn’t kill anyone who didn’t have it coming — but he was a horrible actor. And they made him pay for it.”

Bad actor Nicolas Cage agreed. “This is truly a sad day for bad actors everywhere,” noted the inexplicably successful star of numerous blockbuster movies.

“John (Travolta) and I talked about this very scenario ten years ago on the set of Face/Off. Someday, we said, people were going to get sick and tired of the madness. They were going to rise up and rid the world of ‘our kind.’

“Frankly, I’m surprised it took society this long to begin smiting us.”

Other actors took a less philosophical approach to the sentencing.

“Good Lord,” shouted overrated actor-comedian Chris Rock to nearby reporters. “If they can get Wesley, I don’t stand a chance. He was Blade, man. Blade!”

“I won’t last in prison,” sobbed infamous waste of space, Pauly Shore. “Do you know what they do to people like me in prison? Do you?! They’ll force me to watch Bio-Dome and Encino Man over and over! I can’t do it…I just can’t!”

The fact Snipes, a bad actor but nowhere near one of Hollywood’s worst, was the first domino to fall has led many observers to believe the actor will be offered a reduced sentence if he cooperates with authorities.

“It’s me they’re after,” remarked Keanu Reeves.

“Snipes was in Demolition Man with Sandra Bullock, my co-star from Speed and The Lake House. Snipes was also in that To Wong Foo drag movie with Patrick Swayze, my co-star in Point Break. He was also in U.S. Marshals with Joe Pantaliano, who was in the first Matrix movie. You know, the good one.

“They got Snipes so he can help them get me.”

When asked for comment, the lead prosecutor in the Snipes case confirmed the suspicions.

“It’s true. We’re after Keanu.”

If, as a reward for being incredibly awesome, someone knocked on my front door and offered me my choice between a lifetime’s supply of gasoline or $1 million in unmarked bills, I would have a really difficult decision on my hands.

Gas prices have gotten absolutely ridiculous. Yesterday, it took $48 to fill up my Mustang. When I first got the car, it took $33 to fill it up. Call me crazy, but a 45% increase in two short years seems like a lot.

What kills me is there doesn’t seem to be much outrage about these insane gas prices. Oh sure, people are talking about it. But where’s the outrage? Where’s the media circus? For crying out loud, the non-story of Dick Cheney possibly being photographed with a naked woman reflected in his sunglasses (when in actuality the reflection was of his hand) has received more media exposure than gas prices as of late.

Almost one year ago, I wrote one of my favorite “fake news” stories — Gas Boycott to Solve World’s Problems. Despite being brilliant, it received only one comment. But whatever… I’m totally over it. (Don’t cry, Kevin. Be strong.)

Anyway, the story was written to mock the nationwide, one-day “gas boycott” that was to take place the following day. Despite feeling very high at the time, gas prices in my area back then were around 70 cents cheaper than they are today.

A year later, I admire the passion of these boycott participants. Granted, they were misguided and possibly stupid, but their hearts were in the right place and their message was clear: something has to be done about these insane gas prices.

Farmers, in order to survive the soaring gas prices, are having to raise the prices of their produce. This means that we consumers are having to pay more for our gas and our food. Consumers having to spend more on gas and food means that many are having to spend less in other areas.

The many ways reduced consumer spending can impact the world are too numerous to list. One of the scenarios I’ve played out has a penniless Britney Spears moving next door to me, and me ultimately being committed to an insane asylum.

For the love of all that is good and holy, something has to be done!

What can we do, people? How can we stop this? And so help me, if anyone suggests having a one-day gas boycott I’ll have to throat punch you.

I’m serious.

Humor-blogs recommends a two-day gas boycott.

Imagine, if you will, you had a co-worker who did the following: When leaving his office, he sprinted to his destination. Every time he finished something — a meeting, a project, an e-mail — he would go to the bathroom (sprinting there, of course) and brush his teeth. After brushing his teeth, he would immediately eat four sticks of black licorice. He does this every day, several times a day.

In the real world, someone like this would be considered psychotic. No one would want to share an office with such an individual. You would try to avoid making eye contact with this person, and you would probably learn karate just in case you ever had to defend yourself against this maniac.

Right?

Well, in the game of baseball, this person would be former major leaguer Turk Wendell. Turk was definitely eccentric, but in the game of baseball he was just another superstitious player. Superstitions and baseball go hand in hand.

But why is that? Why are antics that would normally label a person as being “out of his freakin’ mind” dismissed as just another superstitious quirk if that person is a ballplayer or fan?

Some players think it is bad luck to step on the foul lines, so they intentionally step (some even leap) over them. Some players think it is bad luck not to step on the foul lines. If you saw someone at the mall intentionally avoiding, or intentionally stepping on, lines on the ground, you’d be so distracted you wouldn’t even notice the two dozen white teens dressed like gangsters at the food court.

Hall of Fame third baseman Wade Boggs used to eat chicken three times a day when he played. For night games, he would take batting practice at exactly 5:17 pm and would run sprints at exactly 7:17 pm. If you had a roommate who did this, wouldn’t you silently be rooting for salmonella?

Former Detroit Tigers pitcher Mark Fidrych used to talk to the baseball before every pitch. Granted, someone you know who did this would be quite entertaining to watch. But eventually, he’d start talking to his knives. That’s when you’d have to high tail it for the exit.

Some players refuse to wash items of clothing if they are playing well or their team is on a winning streak. Yes, I know being smelly doesn’t mean you’re crazy. But I’d bet good money the crazy guy who lives under the bridge in town doesn’t smell very good. Coincidence?

If a pitcher is throwing a perfect game or no hitter, his teammates refuse to talk to him. They’ll sit on the opposite side of the dugout just to avoid him. Why? Because they believe talking to him or being near him will jinx him. I can’t think of anywhere else in society where this tactic is practiced. Are there parents out there who ignore their young toddler whenever he or she goes an extended period of time without falling?

Perhaps the craziest of crazy superstitious acts happened recently when the New York Yankees dug up a jersey of Boston RedSox player David Ortiz. While construction work was being done for the Yankees’ new stadium, a Boston fan and Yankee hater buried the jersey in an area that was soon to be filled with concrete. The Boston fans’ goal? To put a “hex” on the new stadium.

Okay, this is just one crazy fan, right? Surely the other people involved in the story were a bit more level headed.

Ha.

Eventually, the Boston fan bragged about what he had done. The New York Post got wind of the story. The Post relayed it to New York Yankees management. Management’s response? To dig up — at the cost of more than $50,000 — the jersey.

“We turned this dastardly act into a positive one,” Levine (Yankee President) said.

“We want to thank The Post for raising this issue,” Levine said. “Two heroic construction workers gave us a tip where the shirt was, and we acted immediately.” (read story)

The Yankees are threatening criminal or civil charges against the fan who buried the jersey. Madness.

I love the game, but what is it about baseball that brings out the loony toon in a person?

Humor-blogs is superstitious like a fox.

One year after euthanizing underachieving starting pitcher Mark Redman, the Atlanta Braves were shocked to learn the pitcher has come back from the dead and will pitch against them tonight in their game against the Colorado Rockies.

“Shocked isn’t the right word,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox as he hid under his desk. “We’re terrified.”

Braves players, who were initially told Redman went away so he could rehab at one of the team’s minor league farm clubs, were only made aware of the fact the pitcher had been put to sleep when he failed to attend his own birthday party in January.

“Mark loved to eat cake,” noted Braves catcher Brian McCann. “So when he didn’t show up at the party, we knew something was wrong.”

“I sure hope he doesn’t mistake my head for a piece of cake,” added pitcher John Smoltz. “My bald head is kind of shiny, so he might think it’s a candle or something.”

Losers of the first two games in the Colorado series, the team has been unable to concentrate on baseball with the threat of being eaten at any moment hanging over their heads.

“What happens if he intentionally hits me with the first pitch of the game,” asked second baseman and lead-off hitter, Kelly Johnson.

“Do I charge the mound to fight him? Wouldn’t that be playing right into his zombie hands? Doesn’t he want me to charge the mound so he can eat my brain?”

“Man, take one for the team,” interrupted veteran pitcher Tom Glavine. “If he eats your brain, maybe he’ll get full and leave the rest of us alone.”

In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.

“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.

When asked for comment, Redman sounded upbeat about the possibility of facing the team that gave up on him a year ago and had him killed.

“It’s always nice when you get the chance to prove your doubters wrong and eat their delicious brains,” said Redman.

As inevitably happens when you have a group of straight guys together, the topic of “fashion” came up in conversation yesterday amongst me and some friends. Grunge music of the early 90s and the fashion trend that accompanied it soon came up, which prompted me to state something along the lines of:

“I would still dress that way today if it was socially acceptable. It was so comfortable.”

This prompted a female friend, tongue placed firmly in cheek, to astutely chime in with something along the lines of:

“Still? Exactly how are you dressed any differently?”

It was a good point. I essentially dress the same today as I did in 1996.

Typically, you can “date” a photo taken of somebody by how they are dressed. As my friends pointed out, you cannot do this with me. You have to go by other things, such as family members standing nearby or hair styles of people in the background, to date photos of me.

Why has my attire remained essentially the same over the past dozen years? It’s quite simple, really. Why mess with perfection?

My style is something I like to call business grunge. In essence, I wear what I feel is comfortable, which was the basic point of grunge, but I’m grownup about it. I’ve never owned a pair of Doc Marten boots. I’ve worn a flannel shirt maybe three times my entire adult life. I don’t rip my blue jeans, and any holes in them are unintentional.

So what’s business grunge? I’m glad you asked.

I wear blue jeans pretty much every day. They are loose fitting jeans, although once every three years I will throw tapered jeans into the mix just to make it interesting.

I wear Ralph Lauren or Kenneth Cole dress boots. They are comfortable, quite expensive and last forever (which helps keep the frugal part of my brain happy). On weekends, I wear Nike Air running shoes, although I only run if being chased. In college, I wore snake-skin cowboy boots. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots wore them in the music video for Interstate Love Song, and I thought they were perfect for the young college freshman on the go. I long ago retired them, but I plan on bringing them back at some point in the future when the world is ready.

I wear long sleeve, open collar, button down dress shirts. They’re usually earth tone colors. I wear them untucked and I usually roll up the sleeves. Occasionally, on weekends, I will leave the shirt unbuttoned and wear a solid color t-shirt (also untucked) underneath.

I have two watches. Both are Kenneth Cole. One has a metal band, the other is black leather. I usually only wear them to work.

I own lots of hats, but I hardly ever wear them. I’m not a fan of hat hair.

I like to wear jackets. As my friends and family can attest, it usually takes extreme Southern heat for me to give in and admit that it’s no longer “jacket weather.” I have a Ralph Lauren dark brown jacket, a Kenneth Cole black leather jacket, and a Ralph Lauren black trench coat. To those wondering, I purchased these jackets before my frugal revolution took place.

And there you have it.

On a scale of 1 to 10 – 1 being “awesome” and 10 being “ridiculously awesome” – how would you rate my style? Unless you have something bad to say, I encourage you to be completely honest.

Humor-blogs wants to dress like me.

A lot of awesome things happened in the world this week. As a public service, I’ll run through all of them. Let’s begin…

Thank you, Lord

It has now been 635 weeks since a movie starring Pauly Shore has been released nationwide to theaters. Let that soak in for a moment. If life ever gets you down, think about this and smile.

So long, New Coke. We hardly knew you

Velvet Revolver, my favorite musical group, has broke up. Scott Weiland, the lead singer, apparently had difficulty playing nice with other members of the band. “Wait, how is this awesome,” you’re probably asking. Because it means the Stone Temple Pilots‘ summer reunion tour (note: STP is Weiland’s prior band and my favorite band growing up) is now very likely a permanent reunion (or as permanent as a rock group can be).

I liked Velvet Revolver, but the truth of the matter is I liked them because they sounded a lot like Stone Temple Pilots. Now, I no longer have to accept imitation STP. I can enjoy the real thing again. It’s like when Coca-Cola brought back Classic Coke. Exactly the same, in fact.

The ocean called

Last night, while getting takeout from a Chinese restaurant, they put out a fresh batch of fried shrimp just as I walked up to the buffet. I don’t believe fried shrimp is technically Chinese food, but I didn’t care. Good is good.

They call me “Mr. Glass”

Baseball season is back! My Atlanta Braves have stumbled out of the gate, but they’ll be fine. Starting pitcher Mike Hampton is another matter. After missing the previous 2 1/2 seasons due to various injuries, Hampton was set to make his comeback Thursday night in Atlanta. That was until he pulled his left pectoral muscle while warming up. The Braves placed him back on the disabled list today, although they say the injury is “minor.”

Whoever had “zero” as the number of pitches Hampton would throw this year before getting hurt again, you won the office pool.

For crying out loud, Mike. Samuel L. Jackson in the movie Unbreakable was less injury prone than you.

I hope Hampton doesn’t read this and try to leave me a nasty comment… he’d likely dislocate a finger while typing.

Kudos to you, sir. And kudos again.

The week, as far as “spreading the awesome that is SKOS to others” goes, was a great one. A woman of impeccable taste, Wendy Boswell, featured SKOS at About.com and then left me a comment stating that I’m “cute.”

The must-read Free Money Finance blog featured four original “fake news” stories of mine on April Fools Day (read them here, here, here and here).

Color me curious, but I wonder how many of my regular readers actually read my articles at Free Money Finance? Don’t let the “personal finance” angle fool you: three of the four articles are as funny and entertaining as anything I have ever written. The other article is crap, though. It displeases me, so I have shunned it.

If you haven’t read them, go read them. You’ll love them. Well, except for the one.

That’s everything awesome that happened in the world this week. Did I miss anything?

Humor-blogs shuns the nonbeliever.

… for naming Special Kind of Stupid the About Web Search Site of the Day for April 2, 2008.

Since SKOS is a humor site, it would’ve been nice to have been honored on April Fools Day, but whatever… I’m totally over it. April 2nd is as good as any other day, I suppose.

Please excuse me, I have something in my eye…

In all seriousness, thank you Wendy. Please feel free to feature my site every day of the year. I won’t mind!

Humor-blogs is jealous of my awesome kudos.

Since I’ve made “spreading the awesome” one of my life’s goals, I have decided to allow Free Money Finance to publish four never-before-seen articles of mine for April Fools Day!

(Translation: The very nice FMF at Free Money Finance wrote a post a few weeks ago asking if anyone would like to write a guest post for his site, and I sent a sad, rambling e-mail begging him for the opportunity. He showed pity on me and offered the opportunity to write four “fake news” articles for April Fools Day.)

Click a link below, or go straight to Free Money Finance, to read these gold nuggets of comedic magic. Be sure to leave lots of comments while you’re there!

1.
Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners

The Premise: President Bush initiates a plan that will further assist homeowners with variable-rate mortgages they can’t afford.
Favorite Line: “(we) would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.”

2.
John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real

The Premise: Bogle, founder of Vanguard, admits index funds are a scam he invented to win a bet with Warren Buffet.
Favorite Line: “One time I invested in cattle. Lost a bundle on that one. Their teeth fell out or something. I never really got a clear answer what happened.”

3.
How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof

The Premise: Jeff Valentine, a night club owner turned real estate mogul, explains how the key to selling property is making the prospective buyer believe he/she isn’t good enough to buy it.
Favorite Line: “Build a mote around the property. Any home requiring a prospective buyer to swim in order to get to it is certain to spark heavy interest.”

4.
Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World

The Premise: Movie critics/scientists release a study explaining why saving for retirement could be a useless exercise.
Favorite Line: “(in the future) all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

I encourage all of you to check out Free Money Finance while you are there. It’s a personal finance site that I’ve followed for over a year now. The tips and advice are great. The owner, FMF, is one of the most prolific blog writers I’ve ever come across. He regularly writes three to five posts a day and, every Sunday, he writes Biblical-themed articles on finance.

Perhaps best of all, all revenue earned at Free Money Finance is donated to charity. If that’s not altruistic, I don’t know what altruistic means or how to spell it!