I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
One year after euthanizing underachieving starting pitcher Mark Redman, the Atlanta Braves were shocked to learn the pitcher has come back from the dead and will pitch against them tonight in their game against the Colorado Rockies.
“Shocked isn’t the right word,” said Braves manager Bobby Cox as he hid under his desk. “We’re terrified.”
Braves players, who were initially told Redman went away so he could rehab at one of the team’s minor league farm clubs, were only made aware of the fact the pitcher had been put to sleep when he failed to attend his own birthday party in January.
“Mark loved to eat cake,” noted Braves catcher Brian McCann. “So when he didn’t show up at the party, we knew something was wrong.”
“I sure hope he doesn’t mistake my head for a piece of cake,” added pitcher John Smoltz. “My bald head is kind of shiny, so he might think it’s a candle or something.”
Losers of the first two games in the Colorado series, the team has been unable to concentrate on baseball with the threat of being eaten at any moment hanging over their heads.
“What happens if he intentionally hits me with the first pitch of the game,” asked second baseman and lead-off hitter, Kelly Johnson.
“Do I charge the mound to fight him? Wouldn’t that be playing right into his zombie hands? Doesn’t he want me to charge the mound so he can eat my brain?”
“Man, take one for the team,” interrupted veteran pitcher Tom Glavine. “If he eats your brain, maybe he’ll get full and leave the rest of us alone.”
In an act of self preservation, third baseman Chipper Jones is attempting to convince backup infielder Martin Prado that bathing in olive oil and oregano will help him become a better player.
“Martin’s young and doesn’t speak English very well, so I think I can get him to do it,” remarked Jones.
When asked for comment, Redman sounded upbeat about the possibility of facing the team that gave up on him a year ago and had him killed.
“It’s always nice when you get the chance to prove your doubters wrong and eat their delicious brains,” said Redman.
;-) 4.9.08 at 7:52 pm:
They’re losing to the Rockies. Are you kidding me? Who loses to the Rockies? I can’t talk. Guaranteed the M’s would lose to them, too, were they an NL team. Seems like they’re more afraid of their OWN pitcher eating them alive than they are of being eaten alive by another entire team…
RYC:
1) YES, it rains a lot in Seattle. Although, you’d be surprised, we don’t really get more quantity of rain than other states do, but it spreads out longer. Rather than occasional downpours lasting days on end and then 2 weeks of sunshine, we get drizzly, misty rain for 2 weeks, and then maybe a day or two of sunshine. It’s supposed to be 65-70F this weekend. I’ll believe it when I see it.
2) I decided I like STP. And I lied (though not intentionally) – I have heard Interstate Love Song, I just didn’t know it was them. But they’re quite good lyricists, I get bored of the typical song these days…all about grills and booty-s and dropping it like it’s hot. What the heck is that, anyway?
3) Do you dress emo a lot??
;-) 4.9.08 at 11:16 pm:
That’s one of the best closing lines you’ve ever written!
;-) 4.10.08 at 10:40 am:
RYC: Ok, yeah, I forgot about the Rockies last year. Goes to show how much I remember about the NL…maybe I shouldn’t try to fake knowledge about that particular subject. Heheh…to be completely honest, I haven’t kept up with baseball much the last few years. Oklahoma didn’t have a major league team, and the Mariners are swiftly losing their right to call themselves one…
RYC RMC RYC: (yeah…)
1) I like rain, too, as long as I don’t have to go anywhere in it. It’s not the actual GOING somewhere that annoys me, it’s more the fact that, no matter how long they’ve lived here, Seattle drivers become completely incompetent when the roads are wet. It’s a complete mystery to me.
2) I’m not sure about the translation of the entire song, but the line “The bottle keeps churnin’ churnin’” right before “Seven caged tigers fly by” makes me think he is…perhaps drunk, and hallucinating, and the craziest thing he could think of was seven caged tigers? Wouldn’t you just love to talk to the writer of that song and ask what the heck?
3) A lot…more than once a month?
;-) 4.14.08 at 10:39 am:
RYC: That mall is….crazy. I had to go there again yesterday to pick something up, and same thing. All the 14-16 year old gangster wannabes, with their grills and retarded swaggers…it’s good times, that mall. I hate going there alone. If I’m with a guy it’s not so bad, but…jeez.
;-) 6.23.08 at 2:07 pm:
[...] The saga continues. For more comedic gold, go read Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie. [...]
;-) 7.10.08 at 10:59 am:
[...] my regular readers know and loath, I am a baseball fan. Occasionally, I like to blog about the sport. This is another fact known and loathed by my readers. As a regular reader [...]
;-) 7.31.08 at 8:22 am:
Now THIS is the way to get me interested in sports. Bring in the zombies! I might actually watch a sporting event if even some of the team members were brain-eating zombies. I might even go to a game if I could be ensured of some sort of zombie vs. human death match.
ZOMBIES!
;-) 8.1.08 at 3:05 pm:
[...] Two Part One – Braves “Put Down” Pitcher, Tell Players He Went to Live on Farm Part Two – Atlanta Braves to Face Brain Eating Zombie [...]
;-) 9.9.08 at 8:42 pm:
Haha!
I would love to see one of these games in action!
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;-) 4.1.09 at 12:34 pm:
[...] I wrote about how the Atlanta Braves were going to be facing a pitcher who was also a brain-eating zombie. [...]