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Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners
May 2, 2008
Best-Worst, Blog, Fake News, Featured
15

The following is one of four guest articles I wrote on April Fools Day for the awesome Free Money Finance website. Of the four, this one was my personal favorite. And so, on its one month (and one day) anniversary, I will republish it here so that those of you who were too lazy to go to Free Money Finance to read it may enjoy its wicked awesome goodness.

On the heels of his plan to freeze interest rates on subprime mortgages for responsible homeowners who simply needed a helping hand, President Bush announced today he is ready to shift his attention to assisting the “stupid, irresponsible homeowners who knowingly bought houses they couldn’t possibly afford at variable interest rates only a slow-witted monkey would accept.”

If put into law, the plan, tentatively titled Operation: I’m With Stupid, would assign a government agent to every homeowner who fits the above criteria. The agent would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.

“These people obviously need our help in areas beyond their ridiculous home mortgages,” Bush told reporters.

“How are they getting to work each day? Are they driving themselves? That’s a scary thought. And who buys their groceries? Who helps them calculate tips at restaurants? Who stops them from running around in open fields with aluminum baseball bats in the middle of lightning storms?”

The plan is not without its critics.

“Why are our tax dollars being spent helping these people,” asked Omaha resident and homeowner Shelly Anderson. “They got themselves into this subprime mortgage mess. They should have to pay the consequences.”

Delaware resident and homeowner Clive Johnson agreed.

“The government shouldn’t reward those who make bad choices. It penalizes those of us who have done things the right, smart way.”

When informed this plan would, among other things, prevent these homeowners from driving, holding up lines at grocery stores, malls and banks, and reproducing, Anderson and Johnson changed their tunes.

“This is the best idea I have ever heard,” remarked Anderson. “You have restored my faith in the government,” replied Johnson.

To those who believe this plan is simply a band-aid approach to a much larger issue, Bush sympathizes.

“Look, if it were possible to round up all these people, put them in a rocket and send them to the moon, we’d do it. Unfortunately, NASA hasn’t invented a rocket big enough. This is the next best option.

“We can’t make these people any smarter, but we can have a government agent watching their every move. If they try to stick a fork in an electric socket, our agent will be there to stop them. If they try to rent a Paris Hilton movie at the video store, our agent will be there to take the movie out of their hands.

“And if they try to buy another home with a variable-rate mortgage that would comprise over 80% of their gross salary, our agent will be there with a rolled-up newspaper to hit them over the head and firmly say, ‘NO.’”

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof, a gem that teaches you the proper way to sell a home. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.

Humor-blogs should check out Free Money Finance.

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