Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners
by kev on May 2, 2008 

14 Comments

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The following is one of four guest articles I wrote on April Fools Day for the awesome Free Money Finance website. Of the four, this one was my personal favorite. And so, on its one month (and one day) anniversary, I will republish it here so that those of you who were too lazy to go to Free Money Finance to read it may enjoy its wicked awesome goodness.

On the heels of his plan to freeze interest rates on subprime mortgages for responsible homeowners who simply needed a helping hand, President Bush announced today he is ready to shift his attention to assisting the “stupid, irresponsible homeowners who knowingly bought houses they couldn’t possibly afford at variable interest rates only a slow-witted monkey would accept.”

If put into law, the plan, tentatively titled Operation: I’m With Stupid, would assign a government agent to every homeowner who fits the above criteria. The agent would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.

“These people obviously need our help in areas beyond their ridiculous home mortgages,” Bush told reporters.

“How are they getting to work each day? Are they driving themselves? That’s a scary thought. And who buys their groceries? Who helps them calculate tips at restaurants? Who stops them from running around in open fields with aluminum baseball bats in the middle of lightning storms?”

The plan is not without its critics.

“Why are our tax dollars being spent helping these people,” asked Omaha resident and homeowner Shelly Anderson. “They got themselves into this subprime mortgage mess. They should have to pay the consequences.”

Delaware resident and homeowner Clive Johnson agreed.

“The government shouldn’t reward those who make bad choices. It penalizes those of us who have done things the right, smart way.”

When informed this plan would, among other things, prevent these homeowners from driving, holding up lines at grocery stores, malls and banks, and reproducing, Anderson and Johnson changed their tunes.

“This is the best idea I have ever heard,” remarked Anderson. “You have restored my faith in the government,” replied Johnson.

To those who believe this plan is simply a band-aid approach to a much larger issue, Bush sympathizes.

“Look, if it were possible to round up all these people, put them in a rocket and send them to the moon, we’d do it. Unfortunately, NASA hasn’t invented a rocket big enough. This is the next best option.

“We can’t make these people any smarter, but we can have a government agent watching their every move. If they try to stick a fork in an electric socket, our agent will be there to stop them. If they try to rent a Paris Hilton movie at the video store, our agent will be there to take the movie out of their hands.

“And if they try to buy another home with a variable-rate mortgage that would comprise over 80% of their gross salary, our agent will be there with a rolled-up newspaper to hit them over the head and firmly say, ‘NO.’”

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof, a gem that teaches you the proper way to sell a home. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.

Humor-blogs should check out Free Money Finance.

14 Responses »

1. Dawg
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 am:

   Check out -
   http://therealrevo.com/blog/?p=675#more-675
   Not much to laugh at - some people are a special kind of stupid.

2. Angi
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am:

   Even better the 2nd…3rd…4th…time around.

   It’s a fast spreading disease…the “I-Want-What-I-Want-When-I-Want-It-and-I’ll-Do-Anything-To-Get-It” syndrome…tempting to everyone, yes, but only stupid people fall for it…

3. Angi
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 10:55 am:

   Oh, and RYC:

   I was referring more to the Britney of today, but either Britney will do, really!

   I can relate to your Mustang dilemma…I bought a Pontiac Grand Am - used - about 2 years ago as well. I really like the car, I’ve never had any problems with it, and like yours, it gets “decent” gas mileage (I’d guess about 28/30), but…I just glanced at the gas station signs on my way to work this morning. REGULAR unleaded was $3.77/gallon. Ridiculous…can’t afford gas to drive to the store, can’t afford the food at the store when i get there…bah.

4. kev
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 am:

   @Dawg: Since I’m at work, I cannot click the link you gave. In the off chance it will take me to something inappropriate, it’s best to play it safe. I have a lot of enemies in the world, as you can well imagine. (I’m kidding. Mostly.) That linked article is brilliant. It’s sad, stupid and true!

   @Angi: Hmmm…if my posts truly get better the more times you read them, perhaps I should stop writing new ones and concentrate on republishing the 200+ old ones? It’s brilliant.

   Yes, sadly, delaying gratification is a concept lost on many people. And when it comes to finances, this inevitably puts them in difficult situations after a while.

   A big “no” on Britney of today. Kristen Bell, on the other hand, is a different story.

   I might just have to write another gas-related post soon. I have a lot of thoughts (some are even “serious”) on the topic…

5. Angi
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm:

   Kristen Bell, eh? I take it you are “into” blondes… They’re overrated. Kidding. Kinda.

   I clicked Dawg’s link. It’s not inappropriate…it’s pretty funny, actually. In a sad kind of way…

   Another gas-related post would be good…I’m sure I’ll have about a million more comments…

6. kev
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm:

   ryc: Well, I’m fairly certain Kristen Bell could have blue hair and it wouldn’t matter much. She’s got what I like to call the “cute as a button” quality. (I’m not sure where this expression came from or why I picked it up — are buttons even cute?)

   So when can we expect your much anticipated sports-money post??

7. Angi
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm:

   “Cute as a button”…I don’t know…I’ve seen some pretty cute buttons on kids’ coats and the like, shaped like animals or flowers or whathaveyou. The term works, I think.

   Moneysports blog…hopefully I’ll have time tonight, assuming I can get rid of this massive headache that has decided to land today!

8. kev
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm:

   Try to wrap your mind around this gem of an idea:

   A cute button…with Kristen Bell’s face on it.

   It’s brilliant.

   Such an invention would be so cute, it’d make kittens cry.

9. Angi
   
   May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm:

   Whoaaaaa….that’s almost too cute to IMAGINE.

   (Am I doing a good job mustering up extreme enthusiam for your Kristen Bell Button idea, even though I’m a completely heterosexual female??)

10. kev
    
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm:

    You’re doing pretty well, but you should have put a dozen or two exclamation points after the word “IMAGINE.”

    An idea as brilliant as the Kristen Bell Button idea deserves no less than 12 exclamation points.

11. Angi
    
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm:

    Here’s a baker’s dozen, just for you.

    I can’t even IIIMMAAAAAGINE anything as stinking CUUUUUTE as a KRISTEN BELL BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    …better?

12. kev
    
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm:

    Much better.

    So…how many Kristen Bell Buttons would you like to pre-order?

13. Angi
    
    May 2nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm:

    Ummm…

    While I am SOOOO EXCITED to even IMAGINE the POSSIBILITY of a KRISTEN BELL BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…I am still straight.

14. Count Sneaky
    
    May 2nd, 2008 at 10:03 pm:

    Almost perfect political satire. The Count gives it 5 Superdelegates!

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