Wait, the $360 Billion Check Guy Has a Girlfriend?!
by kev on May 5, 2008 

20 Comments

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Last week, a man by the name of Charles Ray Fuller was arrested for attempting to cash a $360 BILLION check. Here are the moronic details of the story in all of their idiotic glory:

• The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check.
• Fuller said his girlfriend’s mother gave him the check to start a record business, but bank employees who contacted the account’s owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.
• In addition to forgery, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana.

As is usually the case, what jumped out at me in this story was something that will likely go unnoticed by most people who read it.

This guy has a girlfriend?!

I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but I have been single for roughly 13 months. I am good at being single, but I admit there are elements of being in a relationship I miss. For example, having someone navigate while I drive so I don’t get lost is something I enjoy very much. I’m sure there are other elements I enjoy, but that’s the only one that jumps to mind at the moment.

How is it that Charles Ray Fuller has a girlfriend and I do not?

I am educated and moderately intelligent. Mr. Fuller, based on the evidence at hand, is a moron.

My handwriting is exquisite. Mr. Fuller, based on the scanned image of his forged check, has very poor penmanship.

Mr. Fuller goes by his full name — middle name included. This tends to express a “redneck” vibe. I, on the other hand, use my middle initial. It’s classier.

I have a moderately good sense of humor. The funniest thing Mr. Fuller has ever done, based on the evidence at hand, is try to cash a $360 billion check. Granted, that is funny. But is it “ha ha” funny?

Mr. Fuller was unlawfully carrying a weapon. I have never unlawfully carried a weapon, unless you count these two fists of fury attached to the ends of my wrists.

The natural nickname for “Kevin” (my first name) is “Kev,” which is very cool. The natural nickname for “Charles” is “Chuck,” which sounds similar to “chunks,” which is another way to say “vomit.” Not cool.

I just don’t get it.

Maybe Mr. Fuller looks like a male model? (Update: So much for that possibility. See mugshot to the left. He does have that Renee Zellweger eye thing down pat, though.)

Or maybe, since he is obviously a dishonest thief, Mr. Fuller has that “bad guy” thing going for him? Yes, that must be it. Girls like bad guys. I’m just too nice of a guy. I must do something to change that…

Excuse me, ladies. I need to go cash a check.

How many zeros are in $360 trillion?

Humor-blogs promises to visit me in prison.

20 Responses »

1. Angi
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 12:25 pm:

   1. Imagine what kind of a girl would date a guy like this.
   2. 3 names = redneck, OR assassin, i.e. John Wilkes Booth.
   3. I wish I had $360 trillion dollars…

2. kev
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 12:39 pm:

   @Angi: 1) I considered that angle, but from my experience one out of every five morons I meet in public inexplicably have an attractive female with them. 2) Ha! I considered this angle as well, but I thought better of including it. I didn’t want to offend any of my readers who may have three names. Since having three names means they possess a predisposition to kill, they might hunt me down. 3) If I’m lucky, when I get back from my lunch break, I’ll have a briefcase with $360 trillion.

3. Alice
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 12:46 pm:

   Here’s a link to his mugshot: http://digg.com/people/Charles_Ray_Fuller

   And thanks for the heads-up. I know that when I attemp this I’ll use a few less zeroes.

4. Angi
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm:

   1. I think it’s because half of attractive females have only gotten as far in life as they have because of their looks. And you expect those females to be with a guy who ISN’T a moron? Smart attracts smart, generally speaking…
   2. True, you don’t want anyone hunting you down. Buuuut…can’t argue the facts.
   3. If you get $360 trillion, will you share?

   RYC: Madness indeed. With as much money as they make, I could buy everything I wanted for me, all my friends, and all my family members, give NOTHING to tithes or charities, and still have more than I would know what to do with. So, how they make that much and don’t give the majority of it away is beyond me.

5. kev
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 1:06 pm:

   @Alice: Thanks for the link! He looks high in the photo. Imagine that.

   You’re welcome. Be sure to let me know how it goes.

   @Angi: That would certainly explain the numerous winners Paris Hilton has brought home to mom and dad. “Smart attracts smart” should be a bumper sticker.

   Will I share? If I obtained $360 trillion, anyone I’ve ever had more than a one minute conversation with — online or offline — who passes a criminal background check will get a little something. Except for my dormmate in college. He gets nothing.

6. Angi
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 1:12 pm:

   I’ve got it. This is brilliant.

   You make your “Kristen Bell Buttons” and I’ll make “Smart Attracts Smart” bumper stickers and together we will rule the world of “Buy Things You Don’t Need”! Kinda like the guy who “invented” (can it really be called that?) the Pet Rock. He cashed in on others’ materialistic must-buy-simply-because-i-CAN way of life…we could do the same!

7. kev
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 3:26 pm:

   @Angi: An absolutely brilliant idea. Is there any way you could put Kristen Bell’s face somewhere on your “Smart Attracts Smart” bumper sticker? Then the idea would be pure gold!

   I’d like to meet the Pet Rock’s “inventor” and shake his hand. Also, I’d like to steal his money. The guy is loaded.

8. Scott S
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 3:48 pm:

   Wonder what kind of guy that new Playboy playmate dates? I saw her interviewed on TMZ the other night and she seems very well-read. She mentioned that she supports “Umbama” in the presidential election.

   At least she knows there IS an election.

9. kev
   
   May 5th, 2008 at 3:58 pm:

   @Scott: That’s true. At least she knows there is an election. Of course, when/if she votes, I’m fairly certain she will be confused by the fact “Umbama” will not be listed on the ballot.

   She’ll be even more confused when her backup politician, George Clinton, isn’t listed either.

10. Angi
    
    May 5th, 2008 at 4:37 pm:

    RYC: I don’t get it either. What’s the big difference between 10 and 11 million? 1 million seems like a lot when it stands alone, but not when you’re adding it to an already obscene amount of money. It becomes almost the same as the difference between 10 and 11 dollars. 1 more dollar doesn’t make that big of a difference.

11. Josh H.
    
    May 5th, 2008 at 5:56 pm:

    My guess is he didn’t know how much he was writing the check for, he just simply knew that more zeros meant more money. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had written it for 360 kookatillion dollars. He probably just ran out of room on the check.

12. kev
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 10:14 am:

    @Angi: Exactly. One million dollars is a lot, but in that context it was only a 10% difference in salary. So let’s look at it in real-world money. Your hometown is in Georgia. You like Georgia. Your family is in Georgia. Your Georgia employer is offering you $50k a year. A company in California offers you $55k (10% higher salary). Would you move?

    What’s really crazy about this is the cost of living in California is significantly higher than in Georgia. A chunk of that 10% raise would be eaten up by higher prices.

    @Josh: That’s true. Or maybe he believed he was showing restraint. He wanted to forge the check for 360 zillion dollars, but he decided to be conservative and lower the number to 360 billion.

13. Angi
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 10:25 am:

    A 10% higher salary would not be enough to make me move away from a city/state I loved, family, friends, etc etc etc. ESPECIALLY if I was going to have to move somewhere where that 10% increase would be slammed down to about .00001% because of the cost of living.

    Crazy, greedy people…

14. Angi
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 10:28 am:

    RYC: Congrats on making it through the entire video without throwing up a little in your mouth.

    She should no longer be allowed to make music videos. Or, at least make them classy, like other gracefully aging music artists do, i.e. Celine Dion. Not that I particularly care for her music, but at least she didn’t marry someone half her age and make a music video in which she spends 90% of the time barely covered.

15. Thomas Wayne
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 10:59 am:

    He might have that “bad guy” vibe going on, which does attract some women, but he also has that “stupid guy” vibe, which manifested itself when he somehow thought the bank would even have $360 billion.

    If he still has a girlfriend after this, she might be more stupid than him… (That may be hard to consider, but I’m no longer surprised at the levels of stupidity in some people… I’m convinced that stupidity knows no bounds.)

16. kev
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 11:02 am:

    @Angi: It doesn’t end there. Two years into his contract in Los Angeles, J.D. Drew had a clause that allowed him to opt out. He then signed a contract for $14 million per year in Boston. Granted, $11 million to $14 million is a 27% increase. In real world dollars, that’s like going from $55k to almost $70k. And, maybe he hated it in California. But still…when you’re set financially for numerous lifetimes, spending your life going to the highest bidder seems like such a shallow existence.

    I think the way most of these pop stars dress is sad. Mariah Carey is especially sad because — in her crazy, wacky brain — she thinks she is 10 to 15 years younger than she really is. When she turns 40, which will happen pretty soon, I’m fairly certain she will go into shock.

    @Thomas: Very true. If he still has a girlfriend AFTER this fiasco, Charles Ray Fuller might actually be “the smart one” in the relationship.

    I hope they don’t have kids.

17. JennyPenny
    
    May 6th, 2008 at 8:17 pm:

    Is it possible he has an audacity you can only dream about? I mean, who tries something like what he tried? Think about it.

    That’s the only reason I can imagine that he has a girlfriend and you don’t, ’cause clearly you are way cooler, Kev. And decidedly better looking.

18. kev
    
    May 7th, 2008 at 11:08 am:

    @Jenny: Aw shucks. Thank you.

    I’m not sure what I could do to “improve” my audacity, though. Maybe this Charles Ray Fuller guy teaches a class on it?

19. Angi
    
    May 7th, 2008 at 11:21 am:

    Pop stars were created for us to make fun of, I have decided.

    Sports stars…well, a player I had a lot of like and respect for just provided me with enough material for a whole new blog. It was one of those moments where you hear about something on the way to work, and as soon as you get to your computer, you can’t WAIT to start in on a rant…

20. Angi
    
    May 7th, 2008 at 11:39 am:

    RYC: Completely, 100% agree with you. I find it extremely immature and distasteful that he wrote a note and dropped it off for the coach. This is the kind of circumstance where I feel he would gain a lot more respect and might actually get a salary increase if he requested a meeting to discuss his salary.

    The last player to pull this antic? Darrell Jackson, wide receiver. Complained about his salary, boycotted practices, so on and so forth…eventually got traded to the SF 49ers for a 4th round draft pick. After a crappy ‘07 season, the 49ers cut him in March and made him a free agent. He just got picked up by the Broncos for a one-year, $1.5 million salary…he WAS on a 6-year, $25 million deal with us. Engram should take a hint…

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