I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
The bird flu hit me hard. I’m not going to lie. It knocked me out of commission for almost three full days. But as I sat home yesterday, bored out of my mind after calling in sick to work, something dawned on me.
I’m better than this. A wimpy disease named “bird flu” cannot get the best of me. I’m Kevin.
So as I’ve done numerous times in my life, I decided to stop being sick. Instead, I decided to be awesome. And you know what? It worked. It always works.
When I was eight, everyone in my class at school got the chicken pox. I started to get it, too. But then I decided I didn’t want to get the chicken pox. And so I didn’t. I did, however, give them to my brother.
When I was eleven, I took a pretty hard hit during a football game. My coaches told me not to go to sleep just in case I had a mild concussion. “The heck with that,” I said to myself. “I’m tired.” And so I healed my brain by thinking happy, awesome thoughts. And then I took a nap. True story.
On numerous occasions during my life, I’ve cut my face while shaving. Miraculously, a few minutes later, the bleeding will stop. Methinks Vitamin K, which helps blood coagulation, was given its name as a homage to yours truly. In related news, methinks Vitamin C was given its name because “C” and “K” are so similar.
Back in my teaching days, I once lost my voice. Two days later, it came back. Some will tell you my throat simply got better with rest and that my awesomeness “had nothing to do with it.” These are the same people who will try to convince you there’s no such thing as Keebler elves or gorilla dust.
A big “thank you” to all who wished me well yesterday. Time seems to stand still when you’re home alone, sick and bored. Your comments brought me brief moments of joy and entertainment.
On a final note, I believe I now know why being in a relationship is better than being single. When you’re in a relationship and you’re at home, sick and bored, there is always someone there to put a new Scrubs disc into the DVD player when you’ve watched all the episodes on the current disc. When you’re single, you’ve got to get up and do it yourself.
Guys, be sure to remember that next Valentine’s Day.
Humor-blogs is jealous of my wicked awesome immune system.
;-) 5.13.08 at 12:01 pm:
Glad you’re feeling better!
Of course Keebler elves are real…psh!
;-) 5.13.08 at 12:14 pm:
@Angi: Thanks!
I know, right? Some people are just so silly.
;-) 5.13.08 at 12:22 pm:
Oh please. Of course it wasn’t your awesomeness. It was the milk and Coke. You should come up with your own Airborne-like tablet and smack “Created by a blogger!” on it. As long as the packaging is good – folks will buy.
;-) 5.13.08 at 12:29 pm:
That’s crazy. I’ve been watching a lot of DVDs lately in an effort to rest my foot, and have been thinking the EXACT SAME THING about my DVD player. I actually said to my mom the other night, “they need to invent something that takes the DVD out and puts the new one in.” Perfect for people such as ourselves who are sick or have a broken foot…. or are just plain lazy. Maybe I’ll invent it. I could make a killing AND contribute to our nation’s obesity problem at the same time!
Thanks for the birthday wishes! It was actually a really good day, minus the hobbling. You’re right though, it’s time for me to settle down and take it easy. I’ve started to look into walkers. Also, false teeth.
RYC: Yep, I did see Randy Johnson live. I don’t remember being too frightened though, which is surprising, because you’re talking to the girl who used to be afraid of the Care Bears.
Hope your awesomeness continues to kick that bird flu’s butt!
;-) 5.13.08 at 2:52 pm:
ryc rmc: Keebler elves live in my cupboards. Well, not really, but I wish they did, because then I would have an unlimited supply of their fudge striped cookies. They’re addicting. Maybe it’s good that I don’t have my own elf…then I’d be eating cookies nonstop, and probably investing in one of those contraptions Allison is going to invent to change my DVD’s for me. And we all know what that means…remember the mom, from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? Yep…that will be me. Minus the children and the house in the middle of nowhere.
;-) 5.13.08 at 5:21 pm:
Hey, all of your names start with “A.” What’s that like? Is it awesome? I gotta say, having your name start with “K” is pretty sweet.
@Alice: So you think the 1% milk and Coke Zero played a bigger hand than my awesomeness? Interesting theory. We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.
Would inventing such a tablet hold me libel if anyone actually…you know, eats it?
@Allison: But they HAVE invented something that does that for you! It’s called a girlfriend (or in your case, a boyfriend). Not only will this handy invention put in new discs in your DVD player, it will — brace yourself — get you something to drink while it’s up (if you ask nicely)! Isn’t that awesome? I really need to go to Wal-Mart and pick me up one of those…
You’re very welcome. And I totally forgot to suggest false teeth. You should definitely get those. And an artificial hip. And blue hair.
You used to be afraid of the Care Bears? The Care Bears?? So does the thought of someone giving you a “Care Bear Stare” freak you out?
@Angi: Don’t tease me. I was just about to ask you to capture one of the Keebler elves and mail him/her to me. I was going to trade you “Snap” from Rice Crispy Cereal fame.
I remember that movie. It was the first of many movie roles where Leonardo Dicaprio annoyed me.
Side note: How different would “Titanic” have been if Leonardo mimicked his “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” character in the movie? Call me crazy, but I think it would’ve improved the film.
;-) 5.13.08 at 5:45 pm:
My name starts with J. I like to call it being “oh-so-awesome”.
congratulations on giving the bird flu a kev-sized whoopin’.
;-) 5.14.08 at 1:12 am:
You know, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a Leonardo Dicaprio role that did not annoy me…good idea switching him out in Titanic though. We’d label it a horror film.
;-) 5.14.08 at 12:03 pm:
ryc: Hm. You’re right. Also, Blood Diamond wasn’t the worst movie ever. I guess. I begrudingly admit to not HATING him in those two movies. Grrr.
ry (other) c: The rolling non-emailed-address gathers no cupcakes…or something like that.
;-) 5.14.08 at 12:41 pm:
ryc: Good point, about The Man in the Iron Mask…an iron body suit would have been awesome, too. I do like Jennifer Connelly, though. However…I’m not sure if she could make a buddy cop movie w/ both Pauly Shore and Carrot Top enjoyable. I could take one or the other, but not both.
;-) 5.14.08 at 4:22 pm:
ryc: You are SO RIGHT. I added Five for Fighting and sushi (because yes, 99.9% of Seattle-ites love sushi). I also added STP as honorable mention. I did leave tuna sandwiches, though, as they are now on the $5.00 Footlong Value Menu at Subway, and I can pile on as many tomatoes and pickles and green bell peppers as my little heart desires, whereas purchasing as many vegetables from the grocery store would wipe out my IRA as I currently know it…
;-) 5.14.08 at 6:20 pm:
I do the same thing, I just never quite thought of it as awesomeness.
;-) 5.15.08 at 10:24 am:
ryc rmc ryc: You know what’s even better than canadian bacon and pineapple? Pineapple and green peppers.
I always forget you have a huge aversion to tuna…I probably would too, if I were you…thankfully I’ve never had a roommate from Tuna Hell though!
;-) 5.15.08 at 3:10 pm:
@Josh: Thanks. I guess I taught that bird flu a thing or two.
@Memarie: You can pretty much break anything down to awesomeness. If something good happens, it’s because of awesomeness. If something bad happens, it’s because there wasn’t enough awesomeness.
It’s science.
@Angi: I have had both pineapple and green peppers on a pizza within the past month, but I’ve never had a pizza with those as the lone toppings. It sounds…interesting.
Few have the aversion to tuna I do. I would form a support group, but there’s just not enough of us out there. The meetings would consist of me sitting in an empty room. Granted, I’m entertaining. But even I would get bored with myself after a while.
;-) 5.15.08 at 3:30 pm:
You need to try pineapple/green pepper. It’s like…sweet and sour meatballs (the kind I make, anyway). But without the ground beef, sweet and sour sauce, pea pods, or carrots. Just the pineapple and green pepper. Add some pizza crust, tomato sauce, and cheese.
;-) 5.15.08 at 5:30 pm:
I hope you know, I am spending valuable work hours (ok, yeah right, I’m totally caught up and it’s supposed to be 80 today – productivity is not an option) researching the best way to ship cupcakes so they do not get smashed.
But, if they do…shall I include a disclaimer on the packing slip?
;-) 5.15.08 at 8:25 pm:
I’m a big believer in your specialness and awesomeness, Kevin … and also spoofle dust!
And romance, of course.
So glad you’re feeling better! It was no fun without you.
;-) 5.18.08 at 11:15 pm:
[...] Actual article title… [...]
;-) 5.19.08 at 3:16 pm:
Yes, the Care Bears. Also, Santa Claus. Also, the Easter Bunny. Also, ET… who I believed lived under my parents’ bed. I was what they might call a “troubled child”… and by “troubled child” I mean total and complete CHICKEN. Haha.
As for the boyfriend thing, if only finding a decent one really WAS so easy as picking one up at Wal-Mart! (Although I’d prefer a slightly classier establishment, such as Target). I’m thinking that I might have better luck with inventing the Disco-Chango (patent pending).
And yes, having a name that starts with “A” IS awesome. A for awesome. And amazing. And… any other good adjectives that start with A.
;-) 5.19.08 at 3:46 pm:
@Angi: Well, the BEST way (although it’s probably not the most cost efficient way) to ship cupcakes so they do not get smashed is to pay someone to fly them across the country to me. This individual holds the cupcakes the entire flight, takes a shuttle to my place of employment (holding the cupcakes the entire way), and then hand delivers them to me. And then the individual goes back home (making sure not to accept any financial compensation I might offer, because accepting tips would be beneath this individual). And there you have it!
@Jenny: Thank you very much. I feel much better.
@Allison: Well, E.T. was scary. What if, when trying to touch your nose with his freaky long finger, he missed and poked you in the eye? That would hurt.
Target? You sure you want someone that high maintenance? I’m beginning to think Wal-Mart might even be too upscale. K-Mart, here I come.
;-) 5.20.08 at 4:22 pm:
Well first of all, congratulations on getting rid of the bird flu with a dose of awesome.
Secondly, you’re absolutely right about the link between DVD players and significant others. Perhaps the real relationship is between people and DVD players since significant others are just giant remote controls that also bring beverages and snacks. My remote control disappeared a year and a half ago and the universal remote I bought at Best Buy doesn’t really work so I just drag my chair around to an arm’s length from the DVD player. It brings the awesome that much closer to my eyes. Of course, if your immune system is as awesome as you claim, your eyesight is probably pretty awesome too, and you don’t need the extra awesome of sitting close to the TV/DVD player.
;-) 5.20.08 at 5:27 pm:
@Erin: Thank you. I think it’s safe to say the bird flu won’t be messing with me again any time soon.
You don’t have a working remote? You poor, poor, poor, poor thing. Why haven’t your friends in Nebraska all chipped in and got you one? Don’t they see you are in pain?
Strangely, my awesome immune system hasn’t translated into awesome eye sight. Without my contact lenses, I’d be blind as an awesome bat.
;-) 5.21.08 at 7:46 pm:
I LOVE SCRUBS! You’re welcome for that. I’m glad you’re feeling awesome again.
;-) 8.26.08 at 2:48 pm:
[...] don’t know why my immune system is wicked awesome. It’s just always been that way. Run your experiments. Discover what made me tick. Perhaps [...]
;-) 3.18.09 at 6:37 pm:
[...] I was around my sister this weekend just as much as my mom was, so the fact I haven’t caught the pink eye is just more proof of my wicked awesome immune system. [...]
;-) 3.19.09 at 10:42 am:
[...] date, I’ve remained immune to this pink killer of eye joy. This is probably due to my wicked awesome immune system, which I’m sure you guys love to hear me talk about over and [...]