I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Well, I’m back from my Internet-less, four-day excursion. Did you guys miss me? I ask because I couldn’t help but notice my last post received only 17 comments while I was away. “I expect to see lots and lots of comments when I get back,” I wrote in that post. “Anything less than 50 comments will make me curl up into a ball and cry.”
Well, this is me crying. Is this what you wanted, people? Are you happy? Look at what you have done. No, this photo isn’t actually me. But I do believe it accurate portrays the sorrow I feel. My tears taste bitter (and, not surprisingly, slightly awesome).
Did all of you enjoy your long weekends? What did you do? Where did you go? More importantly, how did you handle the immense feelings of guilt I am sure you felt due to not leaving me fifty comments?
What did I do this weekend? Oh, I didn’t do much. I just traveled with some friends from church to Louisville, Kentucky.
It was a great trip with a lot of great stories to share. That is, assuming I had a worthy audience. But since I don’ …
Ah, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you guys. You are all just too adorable. You’re like adorable lil’ kittens playing with adorable lil’ balls of adorable string.
So precious.
I think the story from the trip I shall share is the one that involves an apple, a girl, poison, and yours truly. If that’s not a great teaser line, I don’t know what is.
“The Poison Apple”
My friends and I were getting our luggage out of the trunk of our vehicle. Next to us, a SUV full of several 20-something females were doing the same.
I was doing what I do best: supervising my friends as they unpacked. “Don’t forget my bag,” I told them.
I’m really good at supervising.
Just then, one of the girls in the SUV next to us dropped a paper bag. I am standing ten yards away, and an apple from the bag begins to roll towards me. A former baseball player with excellent hand-eye coordination, I played a tricky hop and fielded the apple cleanly.
While walking the apple back to the group of girls, I inspected it. It had a single bite taken out of it. This warranted a comment of some kind on my part.
Now, I am usually humorless with complete strangers, but I’ll occasionally blindside someone with my dry wit. For example, later in the weekend, when a guy and and his girlfriend stopped my friends on the street and asked them if they had ever heard of the game hacky sack (she had never heard of it; he was trying to prove to her it existed), I chimed in with the following comment while my friends and the boyfriend were explaining the game:
(To the girl) “Hacky sack players really like it when you run into the middle of their game, grab their ball and run away.”
I’m pretty sure she knew I was joking. But in my head, I like to think she tried my tip later that day.
Anyway, I debated whether or not to make a reference to the apple being poisoned (apple + single bite = poison in numerous fairy tale stories). But as I was about to hand the apple back to the girl who dropped it, I decided to play it normal.
“Here is your apple,” I say. “It’s got a bite taken out of it. Do you want me to throw it away?”
The girl smiled and responded with something along the lines of, “Thanks. Oh yeah, it’s poisoned.”
Now, my response should have probably been, “marry me.” Any cute girl with that kind of quick wit should be proposed to on the spot.
But alas, I didn’t.
I also didn’t respond with, “that certainly would explain why the apple is burning my hand,” which was the first witty response to pop into my head.
Instead, I once again played it normal. I don’t even remember what I said — it was that unmemorable.
In short, I missed a golden opportunity. That very well could have been the future Mrs. Kevin Awesome.
Or it could have been a psychotic who actually poisons apples. But even so, she was cute.
Such a shame.
So what should I have said? Thoughts?
;-) 5.28.08 at 1:07 pm:
“Nice luggage…I know it’s cheaper to fly that way, but is it really necessary to pack your dwarves in a suitcase?” Too obscure?
;-) 5.28.08 at 1:14 pm:
Hm. Possible missed golden opportunity, yes. However…like you said, maybe it really was poison. Maybe she really wasn’t kidding. Maybe she’s really not that funny at all, and maybe she’s not actually cute, she’s a witch in disguise…
;-) 5.28.08 at 1:24 pm:
There is one other possibility: she can read minds. But then that’s not bad–it would only mean she has enough awesomeness to match yours. Wow, not to make you feel worse but you TOTALLY missed a great opportunity! Twin soul? Mind-reader? Cute apple poisoner? Any way you cut it she sounds like a good match.
;-) 5.28.08 at 1:33 pm:
So did you keep the apple or give it back? If you kept it, you get hire some expert to analyze the teethmarks. Maybe that will help you identify her and track her down so you can have a second chance.
;-) 5.28.08 at 1:33 pm:
@Yasumichi: Any Snow White reference would’ve worked great. Too obscure? Perhaps. But if she “got it” I’d have been certain I had a witty genius on my hands.
@Angi: A witch with a poison apple who was cute I could handle. A witch with a poison apple that was witty/funny I could handle. But I draw the line at witches with poison apples who are neither cute nor witty.
@Erin: If you were trying to utterly depress me, you TOTALLY succeeded. Just kidding. If she turned out to be an apple poisoner, I wonder if I would’ve been willing to join her and lead a life of crime? I mean, she was cute after all. Decisions, decisions…
@Scott: If memory serves, I gave the apple to one of my friends to eat. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen him since. He didn’t drive back with us, but I just assumed he found another ride home. Now I’m worried…
;-) 5.28.08 at 2:58 pm:
You couldn’t have used “come here often” b/c being the kind of conference it was the response would have been “no, only once a year.” That woulda been stupid.
so yeah, you should have went with the on-the-spot proposal.
;-) 5.28.08 at 2:58 pm:
The best nickname I ever heard which I will now pass unto you:
The Big Smooth
;-) 5.28.08 at 4:36 pm:
@Josh: Yeah, “come here often” wouldn’t have been good. I know, I could’ve taken out a pen and asked, “could you write your phone number down on this apple?”
I’m fairly certain no one has ever done that in the history of anything.
@Alice: Well, I do have smooth skin. I guess that’s what happens when you avoid the sun like the plague…
;-) 5.28.08 at 4:37 pm:
You should stop dry-crying. I forgot to tell you, I’m making candy this weekend – one or two being of the chocolate/peanut butter variety. I have the candy molds and ingredients and everything. So stop thine tears, for soon they shall be mopped up with creamy peanut buttery goodness!
;-) 5.28.08 at 4:46 pm:
@Angi: I’d forgotten all about those. Great! Hey, can I at least continue to dry-cry until the chocolate/peanut butter candy you’re shipping to me arrives? The tears help dull the hunger pains.
;-) 5.28.08 at 5:35 pm:
Sure – dry-cry away. Hopefully your lungs and diaphragm don’t cramp too badly before the candy arrives! Wouldn’t want you to be in such pain that you can’t eat…
;-) 5.28.08 at 10:05 pm:
That apple with one bite gone could have really gotten you into trouble, Kev. Remember Adam and Eve? Good thing you forgot all your potentially snappy rejoinders and played it safe. You have to watch it with apple-eating women.
You can count my comment as 10 comments or even 25 if that helps you attain your goal. I think my comment is that good! Or awesome, that is.
If it helps any, I love your blog and recommend it to all of my friends. So that’s at least two more people besides me who may become exposed to your awesomeness! Word.
;-) 5.29.08 at 1:45 pm:
@Angi: It’s possible for your lungs and diaphragm to cramp? Would it be as painful as those cramps I used to get in my left calf while playing baseball (where it felt like a knife was being stabbed into me)?
If yes, I think I might die from the pain.
@Jenny: Good point. I think I will make a note to myself to distrust any woman I see eating an apple, wearing anything that smells like an apple, or who is standing near anything that looks or smells like an apple. That should properly cover all bases!
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoy my silly ramblings. Thank you for recommending me to your two friends. If they tell two friends, and those friends tell two more friends, and so on, my goal of world domination could become a reality!
;-) 5.29.08 at 1:51 pm:
Well….aren’t hiccups a form of diaphragm cramping? Although, that’s not always painful, per se…let’s see, my lungs cramp sometimes when I breathe particularly smoggy air…however, I think that calf cramps are significantly worse than any other kind of cramp. All it takes for me to have one is to squeeze my calf really hard. And everyone I am acquainted with knows that if they even attempt to give me one of those awful calf-cramps, they will be elbowed in the face.
;-) 5.29.08 at 3:31 pm:
rycmyc3: I think it goes all the way back to Eve stealing Adam’s rib. Things just went into a downward spiral from there.
4: You may be right about going commando. I withdraw my suggestion.
5: A female hobo screamed and threw her cat at you? Yes, that was definitely her playing hard to get. That, and the girl with a poisoned apple? Wow, Kev, maybe you should move to Kentucky. You could be married within two days, I’m sure of it.
;-) 5.29.08 at 8:44 pm:
I live in Louisville. Trust me, there are only a handful of women in this town who would have said that. She could be found.
But I have to be brutally honest. The bottom line – you blew it big time. This will wake you in the middle of the night when you are 75. “To blave” meaning to bluff… I mean “true love” is the greatest thing in the world. And it only comes around once.
I could go on, but I am now too depressed.
;-) 9.2.08 at 12:40 pm:
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