Too Stupid for a Life of Crime
by kev on June 4, 2008 

12 Comments

(2 votes, 4 avg)  Loading ...

I’m afraid this latest edition Dear Reader is going to be a harsh one. At 1:30 pm on June 3, 2008, a visitor from Ossining, New York, stumbled upon my site after Googling the following:

“IF someone stole how long would they have to to to jail”

Now, I am painfully aware that approximately 94% of my readers are criminals. It goes with the territory. After all, criminals love me. However, I have always taken pride in the knowledge my readers — evil, immoral thugs they might be — are intelligent. But this guy? This guy is a bafoon.

Dear Reader,

You, sir, make me sick.

Let’s start with the obvious. You start typing in all capital letters, stop and then type the rest of your search in lowercase letters. Ever hear of symmetry, pal? Either make everything uppercase or everything lowercase. Google might not be case sensitive, but I am VERY case sensitive!

Next, what are you stealing? Is it a cookie out of your mommy’s cookie jar? Is it gold from Fort Knox? You have got to be specific here, friend, because what you steal has a direct correlation with how long you will have to go to jail for stealing it. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re stealing a cookie. I’m right, aren’t I?

Also, do you have a stuttering problem? What’s with the “to to to” repetition? I almost want to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the second “to” was supposed to read “go,” but I’m not so sure. I think you’re just that dumb.

Look, I’m not making fun of speech impediments here. As a youth, I had one myself. But just because I talked like Elmer Fudd, it didn’t mean I had to write like him! The words coming out of my mouth might have sounded like “west and welaxation,” but I WROTE it as “rest and relaxation.” But you? You write out your stutters. Brilliant.

And what irks me most is the inevitability that one day you will make the news for doing some truly idiotic criminal act, and then television cameras will catch you shouting, “I l-l-love Special Kind of Stupid d-d-dot com” as you enter a courthouse for your trial. And then my site will be suddenly become a hot spot for dumb criminals such as yourself.

You are a stupid, stupid man.

Stay away from me.

Sincerely,

kev

Boy, I’m grumpy when I haven’t had any caffeine…

What sort of advice would YOU have given this criminal wannabe? Leave lots of and lots of comments. Who knows — the guy might actually read them.

Humor-blogs thinks I was too harsh on the guy.

12 Responses »

1. Yasumichi
   
   June 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm:

   Muwahaha as I am clearly the evil mastermind defacing your page with its first comment I feel more than q-q-qualified to leave advice on my horrible life of crime. When I was 6 months old I commited my first bank robbery, at 2 years I beat up the salvation army santa with his own bell and by the time I was 5 I had created the kitty cannon and started decorating the city. My advise? Stay in skool and go to an evil college….Like University of Washington.

2. Jenny
   
   June 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm:

   Man you need some major west and welaxation.

   Speaking of which, isn’t there a MAJOR (apologies for the lack of symmetry) correctional facility at Ossining? I think your guy is already on the inside and KNOWS (apologies again; I’m too lazy to do italics HTML) how long he’s gonna be there for stealing that cookie.

   And lastly, methinks instead of caffeine you should try chamomile tea. Do NOT have it the Navy way, i.e. laced with gunpowder. Be mindful of your nerves.

   p.s. Uhm … Yasumichi wut r u smokin’?

3. Angi
   
   June 4th, 2008 at 2:10 pm:

   If it were me, I would have told him that he could rob a bank for a million dollars and shoot 3 security guards, 2 bank tellers and a customer in the process, and the maximum sentence for all that is only 5 days in jail.

   He’s probably dumb enough to believe you. Then when you read about him in the newspaper or see him on television, you can laugh when he is sentenced to life in jail.

4. Yasumichi
   
   June 4th, 2008 at 6:32 pm:

   @Jenny
   >.>
   I’m not smoking anything. It’s ok, I understand, most people can not be expected to comprehend the level of criminal mastermindness that is me. Fear it…embrace it

5. Jenny
   
   June 5th, 2008 at 12:20 am:

   @ Yasumichi … oh, I do! I am in awe of it. And Kev thought he had the corner on awesome. I hate to disabuse him of that notion but what are you gonna do?

6. Alex L.
   
   June 5th, 2008 at 3:55 am:

   I just love the fact that he’s probably going to take whatever advice google gives him.

   “Oh great oracle google, how many fig newtons can I eat before I die”

7. Yasumichi
   
   June 5th, 2008 at 8:44 am:

   @Jenny
   I’m afraid Kevin still has the corner on awesome…I could be like a cull-de-sac of awesome. Far less than a corner but that would be acceptable

8. Angi
   
   June 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm:

   Um…..

   itaggedyouforameme.

   That is all.

9. Jenny
   
   June 5th, 2008 at 12:42 pm:

   @ Yasumichi … I hear you. In fact I think hereinafter we should refer to Kev as Awesome Street and you can be the cul-de-sac at the end of said street and I’ll be the one standing at the fence keeping y’all company.

10. Yasumichi
    
    June 5th, 2008 at 7:04 pm:

    @Jenny

    Haha I can live with that.

11. Friday Four: The Sad Little Blog : Special Kind of Stupid - The world is full of stupid. We're just here to document it.
    
    August 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm:

    [...] approximately 94% of my readers are criminals, Internet access can be a sporadic thing. Those readers on the run from the law might be at a safe [...]

12. The Identity-Stealing, Cheerleader Mom From Wisconsin : Special Kind of Stupid - The world is full of stupid. We're just here to document it.
    
    September 15th, 2008 at 12:01 am:

    [...] Wendy Jones Since I have theorized that approximately 94% of my readers are criminals, I know there is a pretty decent chance you will read [...]

Leave a Reply