I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.

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Too Stupid for a Life of Crime
June 4, 2008
Blog, Dear Reader
13

I’m afraid this latest edition Dear Reader is going to be a harsh one. At 1:30 pm on June 3, 2008, a visitor from Ossining, New York, stumbled upon my site after Googling the following:

“IF someone stole how long would they have to to to jail”

Now, I am painfully aware that approximately 94% of my readers are criminals. It goes with the territory. After all, criminals love me. However, I have always taken pride in the knowledge my readers — evil, immoral thugs they might be — are intelligent. But this guy? This guy is a bafoon.

Dear Reader,

You, sir, make me sick.

Let’s start with the obvious. You start typing in all capital letters, stop and then type the rest of your search in lowercase letters. Ever hear of symmetry, pal? Either make everything uppercase or everything lowercase. Google might not be case sensitive, but I am VERY case sensitive!

Next, what are you stealing? Is it a cookie out of your mommy’s cookie jar? Is it gold from Fort Knox? You have got to be specific here, friend, because what you steal has a direct correlation with how long you will have to go to jail for stealing it. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re stealing a cookie. I’m right, aren’t I?

Also, do you have a stuttering problem? What’s with the “to to to” repetition? I almost want to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the second “to” was supposed to read “go,” but I’m not so sure. I think you’re just that dumb.

Look, I’m not making fun of speech impediments here. As a youth, I had one myself. But just because I talked like Elmer Fudd, it didn’t mean I had to write like him! The words coming out of my mouth might have sounded like “west and welaxation,” but I WROTE it as “rest and relaxation.” But you? You write out your stutters. Brilliant.

And what irks me most is the inevitability that one day you will make the news for doing some truly idiotic criminal act, and then television cameras will catch you shouting, “I l-l-love Special Kind of Stupid d-d-dot com” as you enter a courthouse for your trial. And then my site will be suddenly become a hot spot for dumb criminals such as yourself.

You are a stupid, stupid man.

Stay away from me.

Sincerely,

kev

Boy, I’m grumpy when I haven’t had any caffeine…

What sort of advice would YOU have given this criminal wannabe? Leave lots of and lots of comments. Who knows — the guy might actually read them.

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