I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
The following is a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers, the witty KathyF. Check her out at the insanely popular The Junk Drawer.
Years ago, I worked with a socially inept fellow who used half these conversation starters on me. Usually, he was met with stunned silence.
He no longer works in our office, but oh, how we miss the fun of watching him get all twisted up in knots every time he opened his mouth. He was a one-man sideshow freak who gave us years of entertainment.
Here are some less than engaging ways to start a conversation. Use them at your own peril.
1. “I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but…” Yeah, so shut it.
2. “I’m not a racist, but…” You sure about that?
3. “Long story short…” Long story to follow. (OK. I admit it. I’m guilty of this one.)
4. “Promise you won’t laugh?” No can do.
5. “Can I tell you something and you won’t get mad?” I dare you.
6. “I overheard your conversation. Can I just say …” No. It wasn’t a threesome.
7. “Don’t take this the wrong way…” Already there.
8. “With all due respect…” Doubtful.
9. “I was trying to wait for the right time to tell you this.” Wait longer.
10. “Can I have the last donut?” Not if you still need those fingers.
Humor-blogs loves The Junk Drawer.
;-) 6.9.08 at 12:29 pm:
This is hysterical. Kudos to Kathy. I think everyone’s known someone, at one time or another, who uses these conversation intros!
;-) 6.9.08 at 1:43 pm:
*Headshakefollowedbysmirkylaugh*
Well done
;-) 6.9.08 at 1:44 pm:
The saddest part is that too many people use those conversation openers on a regular basis. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion but you sort of did. SO there.
;-) 6.9.08 at 2:01 pm:
In my humble opinion, this is the worst way to open a conversation:
“Hi. My name is O.J. Simpson.”
;-) 6.9.08 at 2:28 pm:
#3 always kills me. Why do they say that AFTER I’ve been subjected to the excruciating details? Get to the point first. If I’m still interested, I’ll ask for the details!
;-) 6.9.08 at 7:34 pm:
FoxyLady — And yet none of us has the guts to tell them what a bonehead thing it is to say! For all the times my former office mate said a stupid thing to me, all I could muster was a blank stare.
Heath (aka Yasumichi) — Yep, that’s about it. A head shake, and eye roll, a chuckle after they leave.
Somie — I’ll let that one slide. Seriously, what is with people?!
kev — And, yet, I’m sure he still expects people to be impressed. Sadly, I bet some people are. Article for another day.
ann of the shampoo bag — Since you are my sister, I shall never use that opening with you. Or, if I do, I swear I’ll actually make it short. You can hold me to it.
;-) 6.9.08 at 7:40 pm:
Great one, Kath!
Each one of those really means the exact opposite. You’re not fooling anyone, jerks!
;-) 6.10.08 at 12:57 pm:
Also a favorite: the co-worker who is some sort of self-styled expert at something because they worked for three months as the assistant to whomever, so at every opportunity they say, “Well, when I was a (White House Page, nuclear physicist, deputy sheriff)…blah blah blahety blah.” The trick is to fade to the periphery when people like this start talking so you can peel off and wander away before the anecdote is complete.
;-) 6.10.08 at 1:49 pm:
Hey! Are you talking about me???
“I’m sure people tell you this all the time, but….”
;-) 6.10.08 at 7:08 pm:
JD at I Do Things — Got that right, sister. Didn’t someone once say “The problem with jerks is they don’t know they’re jerks”?
Shieldmaiden96 — Oh, that’s a good one! HATE IT!! I don’t always do a good enough job at shielding an eye roll in response to that. Maybe not such a bad thing…
Robert A. Buoy — And if that’s not followed by “…you’re so beautiful” they get a mouthful of chicklets for teeth.
;-) 6.11.08 at 8:17 pm:
There is never a right time to take the last donut. Unless of course it is a flemish, those fish filled pastries just make me sick.
;-) 6.12.08 at 8:49 pm:
Brent — Donuts are sacred beings. I value them higher than the fingers that dare to deny me of them. God bless The Donut.
;-) 6.24.08 at 11:43 am:
The one I hate is ‘If it were me….’
Well, it’s not, and unless you got something that’s useful, shut the hell up!
;-) 7.15.08 at 2:34 pm:
[...] big thanks to Google for referring this individual, and a bigger thanks to KathyF for writing the guest blog post that ultimately led him to SKOS. Thanks to you, this young lad is able to get the help he [...]