How to Sell Your Home in Any Market? Be Aloof
by kev on June 9, 2008 

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The following is one of four guest articles I wrote on April Fools Day for the awesome Free Money Finance website. Of the four, this one showed me at my silliest. And so, on its two month (and eighth day) anniversary, I will republish it here so that those of you who were too lazy to go to Free Money Finance to read it may enjoy its wicked awesome goodness.

Jeff Valentine knows promotion. The owner of two extremely successful night clubs, Valentine has perfected the art of turning something without value into something the consumer cannot do without. His secret? Tell people they can’t have your product.

Looking for a new challenge, Valentine is now using his skills in the real estate market.

“Look, babe, the secret to success is being aloof,” said Valentine as he smacked loudly on chewing gum.

“You’ve got to make it seem like you have numerous options. If you’re on a date and you’re too anxious or needy, what happens? That’s right. She goes to the restroom and sneaks out the window!

“You’ve got to play it cool, my man. The same is true when you’re selling a house. You want people to want to buy your home? Make them think you think they’re not good enough.”

Valentine’s track record suggests he knows what he’s talking about. His first club, “Club You’re Not on the List,” was a wreck when he bought it.

There was no air conditioning, no lighting, and the east-facing wall had collapsed. Also, there wasn’t a ceiling. But instead of paying money to fix it up, Valentine put a velvet rope out front and hired a bouncer. The bouncer’s job? Don’t let anyone inside.

“I didn’t let anyone inside for the first six months,” Valentine said. “Before, people walked on the other side of the street just to avoid the club. But once they weren’t allowed to go to the club, those same people would stand in line for hours hoping to get inside.”

Valentine now uses that same strategy when selling real estate.

“I put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in the front yard and then have Bruno, my bouncer, stand right beside it,” explains Valentine. “Whenever someone comes up to look at the house, Bruno puts out his hand, looks down at the clipboard he’s holding, and says, ’sorry… you’re not on the list.’

“I don’t believe there’s actually anything written on the clipboard. You’d have to ask Bruno. I think one time he told me he wrote down his hopes and dreams on it or something.”

Turned away, the interested buyer usually calls his or her real estate agent to inquire about the property. The agent then calls Valentine, who after a few seconds will put the agent on hold and make himself a sandwich or go take a thirty-minute power nap. Any agent still on the line when Valentine returns, or any that calls back later, is easy prey.

“At that point, I got them. They’re like my toys. I play with them for my amusement. And then I sell them a house for 10% above asking price.”

Because he is a giver, Valentine has written a book to help real estate agents and home owners sell their properties. The book, “No You Cannot Buy This House,” costs $19.95 and is steadily moving up the best seller ranks.

Among the tips offered in the book:

• Build a mote around the property. Any home requiring a prospective buyer to swim in order to get to it is certain to spark heavy interest.
• Promise to call a real estate agent or potential buyer back, but then don’t do it. When they call you, say something like, “I totally meant to call you, but I just have a lot on my plate right now.” Be sure to call them by the wrong name.
• Hire a second bouncer.

Valentine is already at work on his next book. It is tentatively titled, “No You Cannot Buy This Book.”

He expects it to be an all-time best seller.

Enjoyed it, didn’t you? Well, why not check out the other articles I wrote for Free Money Finance on April Fools Day? There was Government Steps Up Efforts to Assist “Stupid” Homeowners, a sarcastic take on what the government will be doing next to bailout those silly subprime mortgage home owners. There was John Bogle Punks World, Admits Index Funds Aren’t Real, a look at how Vanguard founder and notorious prankster John Bogle played a practical joke on the entire world. And my second favorite, Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World, which needs no explanation.